The time around my birthday is always a little hard for me. Not because of my age or the fact that I am getting older but of my relationship to my parents. To me my birthday and my parents go together. I am here on this earth because they wanted a child supposedly. Now 35 years later here I am and they both are DEAD and I am still trying to understand why they wanted to have kids or if they even loved me or know what love is! Last Sunday night at Popcorn (family night) after everyone had gone home, Lewis and I for the first time ever talked about our childhood with grandma. The drugs, violence, and fear. We did leave a lot of stuff out like the sexual abuse and a lot of the more violet events of course. But it was the first time as adults Lewis and I talked and then agreed on events of our past. I am still trying to understand how this all happened in the first place and why after all these years Grandma would want to know these things. She was always adamant that our mom was not as bad as we thought!
For many years before they both died I told myself that they where no longer my parents. I had done my best to erase them out of my life. Yes I knew that there was still there was this connection from them to me and me to them but I had tried to pretend that it was not there but it was still there and even today as my children grow and get older I am finding it harder and harder to ignore it. It is there pulling at me to acknowledge it. Now with my health issues that have come in to play (some of the medical issues are do to trauma from my childhood) it seems to be pulling at me even more. Then with grandma wanting to talk about stuff I feel a little very overwhelmed or maybe unsettled.
Before my parents died I had thought that I had resolved my issues with them as best I could and tried to move on and then when I had my first child Kaylee I soon realized that was very far from true. I even started to feel for them and have sympathy and felt that I was starting to understand them and their action and that made me so angry and then scared because I had told myself that I did not love them and did not care about them. I had tried my best to erase all feeling toward them good and bad. I wanted nothing to do with them but do family events that was never going to happen. My mom was after all my grandmothers daughter. One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was let my mother hold Kaylee. I only agreed because of how much it meant to grandma. I literally gave Kaylee to my aunt Janet and left the room and cried. I felt broken and still am. As I look back on that day I wish I had protested more. I ended up in a postpartum support group after that and worked on letting my mom and Kaylee have a relationship. It was hard on me but I did it for Kaylee and Grandma. My the time Kaylee was born she was already in a nursing home so that help a little. I took Kaylee twice a month with Grandma to see my mom. Surprisingly Kaylee remembers my mom and the nursing home. She still talks about Grandma Judy a lot. But ever since the day I let mom my hold her I have been struggle with my relationship to my parents. What if I did love them and care about them?? What would that me for me, for them and how I related to my 2 amazing children? Then they both died. My dad died 3 year ago this May 2nd and my mom 2 years this April 12th. How do you morn someone that you thought you hated and never love? I have told myself over the past 25 years at least that they hated me and wanted me only for the attention I brought them. Why do I care?
I really do believe that my mother hated me and I will never really understand why that was or when her anger and hate started and why. I don't ever remember her being nice to me unless it was because she wanted something from me or to use me for a way for her to get attention. There are a few pictures when I was really young that you see she cared but only a few.
The following picture is the last one of everyone happy.
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Even before this picture was taken I already have memories of her talking to me in a mean/hateful way. I even remember on the day she came home from the hospital after having Lewis that I ended up getting stitches above my eye because she pulled or pushed me off a step stool in kitchen because I was making a mess! Come on I was 3 1/2 years old! That is when I remember all the LIES starting. "She just fell" or "she is just accident prone". I don't even think my family knows the truth about that fall that day but at this point it does even really matter. I don't think they know about a lot of stuff that went on because of my parents. And more to the point I don't think they could handle it. Things change rapidly after that day and as a small child I knew no differently.
I don't ever remember a time when my mom was not using or drinking but she hid it well for everyone. I do remember the last time I let my mom hug me and I am not even sure why we were hugging but I was around 8 years old and we were at grandma Arlene's house and she was leaving and while she was hugging me I started to cry and I have no idea why I was crying and even if there was a reason but I know that once that hug ended it would be the last one and since that day I never hugged her not once. There were many times that she tried to hug me and most of the time I was able to avoid it and a few times that I just stood there but I never once returned it. To be honest ever time she touche me I wanted to run away or slap her but I contained myself most of the time. The hardest part was when she was dying. Watching her her lay in the bed knowing that she would only be in this world for only a short time longer I started to to feel the need to crawl into her bed and have her hold me and at the same time I could not even hold her hand! I felt torn and so confused. I guess I wanted something that I never had and her death meant that there was no chance of ever having it. A dream of having a mother. Having all the things that I am for Kaylee and more. I was the only on with her when she passed away and I wanted to take her hand in that moment but I could not move. I stood there next to her and prayed and all that came to mind was the Lords Prayer and I said it over and over again. I never did touch her before they took her body. At this point I don't even know if it matters to me or not.
My moms family put a lot of the blame on my Dad and my dads family blames my MOM. For some reason in my eyes my mom was thousand times worse than my dad. My dad was physically abusive but my mom was much worse than that. She was physically abusive but also mentally. She played with my emotions all the time. She even gave me to her drug dealer and let him do what ever he wanted for her drug habit! During any of this did she love me? How on earth was she putting my best interested at heart? Did she even care what was happening to me? All of this craziness went on until one day I was home sick from school with my mom. I think I was in 6th grade. I made her mad because I would not make her lunch!! So she called my dad home from work "to take care of me" I am not even sure what she said to him but I knew he was going to be mad. I remember hiding in the laundry-room closet until he found me. That by far was the scariest day of my life so far! After that day I pretty much live with my moms parents during the week. So after that my dad said that he wanted a Divorce because he was tired of all the games my mom played. My mom and brother moved in with Grandma and Grandpa as well. Soon after my grandparents found out about my moms drinking and drug uses. They helped her get into rehab! To me rehab made her worse. She became so shelf centered and blamed everyone else for all her problems and actions. She never got better physically or mentally between all the drugs, drinking and health issues she was crazy. She never really was normal even though most people thought she was until they got to know her.
The last 5 or 6 years of her life or maybe even longer she was angry at everything. Nothing could bring her happiness. The more angry and hateful she became at the world the more I told myself that she was nothing to me other than the person that gave me life. In the back of my head I kept asking myself how could a mother hate their child? What would make that happen? I knew both of moms parents had loved her and raised her well. I knew that my moms siblings where well established so what caused her to be so different. The loss of a child? Mental health? Addiction? Abuse by someone other that her parents? Or maybe all those or maybe something else all together? I still have these question and will probably never really know the answer. But in all those years of being hurt and telling myself that this woman my mother meant nothing to me was not so true. I am learning that I do have a connection to her and I guess I did love her or have some strange attachment to her in some way. I guess that once I can come to terms with the fact that is okay for me to want her or love her (this part my take me the rest of my life) I may be able to finally complete the forgiveness process.
As a child and young adult always questioned God on why he made me and why if he loved me some much would I have these people as my parents. Lewis and I went to church every Sunday with our grandparents and sometimes our mom. It blows me away at how normal I thought was back then. When I was about 10 or 12 I was at a church youth event and the youth Pastor at the time Tim Huff would had no real idea why I was so made, gave me this verse for a game we were playing and it has stuck with me for ever.
Yes I still have a lot to work on and I am not as far as along as I had thought I was but I am more happy then I ever thought possible and after talking with Lewis and hearing him validate my memories has helped me and I am not sure in what way other than me knowing someone else was there too and saw it, heard it and I agrees with me. I guess it helps me feel validated in some way. I am so lucky to have a great husband who loves me and our kids. I am blessed with 2 kids I never thought I could have and a wonderful life full of so many beautiful people and things. I have so much more than I ever thought possible when I was younger. I am truly lucky and sometimes forget that. I did not end up on drugs or worse yet dead.
The last 5 or 6 years of her life or maybe even longer she was angry at everything. Nothing could bring her happiness. The more angry and hateful she became at the world the more I told myself that she was nothing to me other than the person that gave me life. In the back of my head I kept asking myself how could a mother hate their child? What would make that happen? I knew both of moms parents had loved her and raised her well. I knew that my moms siblings where well established so what caused her to be so different. The loss of a child? Mental health? Addiction? Abuse by someone other that her parents? Or maybe all those or maybe something else all together? I still have these question and will probably never really know the answer. But in all those years of being hurt and telling myself that this woman my mother meant nothing to me was not so true. I am learning that I do have a connection to her and I guess I did love her or have some strange attachment to her in some way. I guess that once I can come to terms with the fact that is okay for me to want her or love her (this part my take me the rest of my life) I may be able to finally complete the forgiveness process.
As a child and young adult always questioned God on why he made me and why if he loved me some much would I have these people as my parents. Lewis and I went to church every Sunday with our grandparents and sometimes our mom. It blows me away at how normal I thought was back then. When I was about 10 or 12 I was at a church youth event and the youth Pastor at the time Tim Huff would had no real idea why I was so made, gave me this verse for a game we were playing and it has stuck with me for ever.
Jeremiah 29 11-14
. 11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord,Yes I still have a lot to work on and I am not as far as along as I had thought I was but I am more happy then I ever thought possible and after talking with Lewis and hearing him validate my memories has helped me and I am not sure in what way other than me knowing someone else was there too and saw it, heard it and I agrees with me. I guess it helps me feel validated in some way. I am so lucky to have a great husband who loves me and our kids. I am blessed with 2 kids I never thought I could have and a wonderful life full of so many beautiful people and things. I have so much more than I ever thought possible when I was younger. I am truly lucky and sometimes forget that. I did not end up on drugs or worse yet dead.
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