Grief support group week 2 and 3 and updates on the family.

Sophie:

So I have been going back to the grief support group and proud of myself for doing so. It has been a little over whelming but also has brought me some relief as well. This is the first time that I have ever been in a support group with people that I know and also know my family and at first I was not sure if I should be a part of the group because of that but I have stuck it out and have shared things that I have only ever told my therapist and that part of share things to people I know has been the hardest but also the most liberating thing I have ever done. The group has been extremely supportive and have been patient with how hard this is on me and the fact that I am not good at explaining my emotions at all. It has brought up some emotions and I know that I have been extra short with Ken because talking about this always makes me edgy. But he never complains just checks in with me every now and then. Next week we focus on Spirituality and I know right now that this one is going to be a hard one on me.

The group has also mad me realize how much anger and hurt I still have towards my family and even my parents even though they are dead. My whole life I told myself I am so lucky because it could have been a lot worse but I am slowly learning that it a way I avoid having to deal with or even think about what happened. My mom played a victim and the poor me rule as long as I can remember and I never wanted to do that. I never wanted any attention. I still have a hard time with that. I am also realizing at how much I miss them. I am not sure if it is them that I miss or the fact that I missed having any parents at all. I have always just taken care of anything that I need to do no problem I just did it but now at the age of 35 I wish I had a parent to call on. I am learning that a child's relationship with a parent or caregiver in really important and do to my situation growing up neither Lewis or I have someone we can call on, we have no safety net other than each other and that is not the same and what is even harder is that I feel we are both going through a hard time in life and we can't even give support to each other. I guess that is when we turn everything over to God and have faith! God's grace is amazing and I feel it daily and thankful that it is there but still my heart is telling me one thing and head is running a non stop script in my head about the other stuff. I guess that is why this whole month has been a hard one emotionally. I have felt really sad and lonely yet I am so happy to be around Ken and the kids. With Michael's therapies I don't get out of the house as much as I want. I have also tried to get in contact with a few friends with no luck. So I guess it all adds up and my brain wont shut off.

This week I had a lot of kids in my house and I loved it. With it being the first week of school a lot of kids only go half days and get out between 12:00pm and 1:00pm. At one point each day I had 7 to 8 kids in my house all the same age! I LOVED IT!! I always wanted to have a lot of kids but that is not happening now so it was nice to have it while it lasted! I was tired and in bed at 8:30 every night but it was so much fun and I loved hearing all the laughing, playing and yes even the fighting was cute. But it was a lot for Michael and it has had a few side-affects on his sleep. Up at least 3 times a night and really grumpy and clingy to me during the day. So maybe it is good that we can not have anymore kids! I can still dream about what it would have been like though and I would have loved it. Michael would have adjusted over time! (I am not sure Ken would though) LOL

I am excited about Labor Day because we will have people over and do a BBQ and the kids can play in the water. I try to have something that I can look forward too. I need to get better about planning one thing very week so I have things to look forward

Kaylee:

Kaylee started Kindergarten and is loving it! Her teacher is amazing which is good. It is so hard for me to think of her as a kindergartner! School has only been in for a week but so far she can't wait to get there and always wants to leave early! We had back to school night and got some more info which helped us understand how they do things. 

Kaylee also lost her first tooth on Wednesday! I could not believe that it fell out. But she was so happy plus the tooth fairy came in the middle of the night!! Michael keeps asking about his teeth. I guess he wants to loss his tooth just like his big sister. She has a dentist appointment on August 31st and she can't wait to show them! 

Kaylee's Birthday is on Tuesday and she will be 5 years old!! She can't wait. I have had a hard time getting a party together for her. For some reason I am just having a hard time this year. Plus last Sunday my Aunt said some pretty hurtful things to Kaylee and I! I am still trying to process it all and figure out how to handle it all. My heart is full of sadness for Kaylee as she does not understand all the stuff that goes on in a family she just loves everyone endlessly. But this time it affected her greatly. So possessing time is needed for me to decide on what to do next. I canceled a tea party that I was going to have for the adults in her life because of all of this so to make up for that we are going to take Kaylee to her FAVORITE restaurant on her birthday!

Michael:

Michael's behaviors have gotten a lot more intense the past month and it is stressing me out a little. We meet with his ABA team and they have noticed it as well. I asked if it could be his age and some of it is probably age but most of it is sensory and  him getting overly stimulated and not knowing how to tell us or dealing with it himself. He is only 2 almost 3. He has about 3 to 4 melt downs a day and they last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes a few have lasted hours! On top of that he has the usual temper tantrums that very 3 year old has. It is just so tiring. I need a break from him.

On the plus side Michael language is improving DAILY! He is talking clear and using more and more words. I am so thankful that communication is possible now. He also has a visual schedule that we use and that seems to help a lot with transitions. The one thing I am not good at but need to improve is prep him for things. I mean start about 30 minutes before we leave the house or get Kaylee from school. I need to tell him details of what the process will be. Example: "Michael we are going to get Kaylee from School. You will be in the stroller." (because he thinks that he gets to WALK) "so we are going to get our shoes on in 5 minutes!" And do this a few time so he knows the transition process. I have learned that some of his melt downs come from frustration of not understanding what is happening or what is expected of him. So I do my best to prep and explain both visually and verbally.

Ken:

Ken has been at Costco a year September 1st! He loves it. They asked him about being supervisor and I think he wants the position but we will see. I just happy that he loves his job and has a set schedule every week. The raises are good the personal time is great and he loves how he is treated. It is been so nice to see him happy with work. We also get to see each other a lot more too!

Mostly Complaining

Totally negative post. This month has not been my favorite. I know most of it is stress and depression but I just can not seem to snap out of it as I had hoped. I feel like I am complain and negative all the time. So much stuff has come up this month that has left me feeling alone and confused.
First off I have had some health issues come up that I was completely unprepared for. It all started off with a stomach ache right after Thanksgiving and got a lot bigger than I ever thought possible. I feel as though my body is giving up on me just when I need to be on the top of everything most of all for my kids. Ever since my hysterectomy I have been dealing with one issue after the other. I have learned over the past 6 months that I have a very hard time talking about my health or even admitting there may be an issue. My therapist thinks that my body is trying to tell me something! I wish I knew what it was saying already.

Second right after all these health issues started I received an e-mail from my church stating the following:
Hi Sophie and Ken, 

Every year the council has the duty to review our membership roles and update them according to who has 

maintained their membership status according to our governing documents. Our bylaws state: 

C8.05.01 For purposes of membership roll maintenance, any member who during the

current calendar year and the two previous calendar years has made no contribution of record, nor has been recorded as communing or attending a worship service, shall be considered inactive. 

In our preparation for this year's review, we noted that one or more of these requirements was not met by you this year. This may not mean that your membership status is in jeopardy just yet. We wanted to be sure that you're aware of this and that we can help you fulfill your membership commitments if you wish to retain your voting member status. 

I have grown up in this church my whole family has gone to this church for almost 50 years and they sent me and e-mail. I am in church almost every Sunday and there during the week as well and no on thought it talk to me about this before sending an e-mail. First off it was a clerical error that should have been check on first and if someone had talked to me they would have found that out. I take my membership very seriously and also would never be a member of a church that requires "contribution of record". I should mention that I have never seen the church counsel enforce this  and was under the impression that it was either or not both! I have only ever seen people lose/remove membership for inactivity. I tried talking to Pastor and the council president about it and felt that I was not heard either time. I totally understand the business/money side of the whole thing I just feel that it should have been handled in person. I know it might seem stupid but I am really considering looking for a new church home and what sucks the most is it is Christmas and this hole thing is just to emotional for me to handle.

Lastly being a mom is all that I ever wanted but I am starting to think I am not going to be as good at it as I have hoped I would be. I am stuck at home Monday through Friday for Michael's ABA therapy from 8:00am until 12:30pm then Kaylee goes to school from 12:30pm to 3:30pm and Michael takes a nap from 1:00pm to about 3:00pm. So I never get out of the house anymore I never get to see other adults except on weekends. Ken is working all the time so I am alone with the kids all day every. Don't get me wrong we have fun and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to me but I need to be around other people. I feel like I don't know how to have a conversation anymore. I have nothing to talk about I have one clue about current events happening day to day. I feel detached from the world. This is not got for my depression or anxiety. I knew being a mom meant self-sacrifice but this so much harder than what I had ever imagined. I have been fighting and pushing for all this help for Michael and now we have it and I feel trapped. I keep trying to focus on the long term. In one year life will be 100% different from right now and that this will not go on forever. Now if I could just find a way to keep Michael healthy for 12 months. LOL

I am really trying to get into the Christmas spirit. Kaylee is so excited about everything. She loves all the decorations and all the lights every where. I love hearing her sing all the Christmas songs and asking so many question about the meaning of Christmas. Next year I am hoping that Michael will understand what is going on as well. Grandma has been a life saver! I would truly be lost without her. I don't know what I would do if I could not call her or go there with my crazy kids weekly and sit on her couch and cry about Michael's behavior or after a week of Michael not sleeping at night stay there during day sleep/nap while she watches the kids. I feel bad that she is the main person I rely on most of the time. She is 92 and handles it all so much better than I do.