Grief support group. TRIGGER and TMI

Well about 2 months ago my therapist told me to try a grief support group because she thought that what I thought was depression and anxiety sound more like grief. To be honest I thought she was nuts and did not look in to it at all. Then last week I learned that there was a 6 week Grief support group starting at our church and thought I would try it out. Well last night was the first meeting and it was really hard for me.

First of most people who are dealing with the lost of a parent there are "treasured Memories" or "good times" Well I don't have that at all. I don't have any good times really to look back on and can saw that was a time that I can hold onto and remember for always. Second " You have a right to search for meaning"! Meaning all I ever told myself was it could have been worse so much worse! I feel out of place in the group. Right now I am not sure that this group is what I need. Yes I can say I am grieving because I learned that I am grieving so much more than the death of my parents. I am grieving the fact that I never had PARENTS. I am full of anger about it.

I also never cry because I hate how it makes me feel but I cried last night! I cried  in-front of people that I did not even know. I could not believe that I did that. So it tells me that either I am SO NOT ready to take this process on or that I am a CHICKEN and don't want to face everything.

I have been in therapy off and on since I was about 12 years old. I am able to talk to my therapist about so much and unable to talk to anyone else. I have never really talked to anyone else about my feelings around my parents other than I wanted nothing to do with them. Because of that I never that I should give their death any attention or process any feeling because I told myself that own that they are gone it is over and I can live my life freely without them. I did post one blog about my childhood but it only cover a small blur. I still feel like I am betraying my family if I talk about things. I feel that everyone in my family is pretending that we are something that we are not. For now I just need to figure out if I should continue with the support group or not.