Michael starts preschool

I am freaking out. Tomorrow is Michael's first day of preschool and I am a ball of nerves. I am trying to be positive but I can not relax. I know how Michael is with new stuff and I have no idea how bad it is going to be but it is going to be bad/hard and I just am on edge about it. I have talked to him about it all weekend and even today. We have read books about starting preschool and he response to me is "Go Home". So I have no idea if he understands what I am saying or not. I tried to warn them of all his behaviors and that he bites and throws everything but I am not so sure they really understand as they have never seen his true colors as of yet. I just don't want any of the other kids getting hurt because of him.  Kaylee's fist day of preschool was so simple and I did not even give it a second thought. We dropped her off at the door she walked right in and never looked back! I am sure that wont happen with Michael tomorrow. I think it will be a problem to even get him in the door and I am sure he will scream for the whole 3 hours at school. But they are trained to handle this and they all know ABA so lets hope by summer time he will be wanting to go to school all the time.

What to do for Michael's birthday and a little more. (FYI I am venting about family)

Over the last 3 or 4 weeks I've been trying to figure out what to do for Michael's birthday.
There was a family incident a few days before Kaylee's birthday in August and I ended up canceling her tea party that was just for family and still kept her kid birthday party at the park. Kaylee was fine with that and had a wonderful time at her park party.

But this incident has been weighing on my heart and mind. It triggered something inside me that I never expected. I have been having some really BAD dreams/nightmares about my past. It also did not help that it also happen when I was going to the grief group at church which had already triggered things for me. I really wish I understood the human brain. I have not had dreams like these in years I think it has been almost 13 years. Since they have been this bad. Strange who words can trigger so much. They are almost worse than being physically attack and this is what I am trying to protect my kids from and I am at a loss on how to implement healthy boundaries and keep everyone safe. I know that I still hold on to so many of those words and names that I was attacked with over my childhood and even adulthood. I will never forget them. I have learned that they do not define me but sometimes it is hard to remember that though. My parents called me stupid and bad starting at a really young age, I had a cousin who called me an incompetent human-being for must of my grade-school and middle school years and no one stood up and told them to stop or took the time to tell me that it was not true. A family member blamed me and said that caused my Grandfathers death because I caused him to much stress, My mom called me a selfish person for most of my adult life even in-front of family and friend and no one told her to stop or told me she was wrong. I have gone to therapy for years trying to get these words and beliefs out of my head. These are the ones that I feel comfortable about writing you should hear the stuff that I can't even write about. I don't want my kids to have to deal with this. Words hurt and stick with you for ever even if you tell yourself it is not true and there is no reason for my KIDS to ever have to go through this. It broke my heart into pieces when I had to explain to Kaylee what SELFISH meant! and it killed me even more that I did not stick up for her when the work attack was happening. I felt like I failed as a mother for the first time. I have had to do a lot of processing and thinking. The good thing is that since this incident happened I've learned that we have so many people that we're not related to by blood that are family to us. And I treasure every single one of them that have included my children into their lives, and even Ken and I. My kids are so so lucky. Grandma is 93 and wont be around forever. I kept think that she is the last then it will only be Lewis and I. But I have realized that I have been lucky enough to have start to grow a family out of friendships and love. I see that now and it gives my heart a little peace. 

So back to Michael's Party am I ready to set these boundaries and follow through with how and what are okay behaviors to put up with? I have no idea what to do and this is really bugging me.I am struggling to come up with something for Michael. I feel he deserves a party because he has come so far this past year and I believe that this would be the first party he'd understand what was going on and what it was for. I also want it to be a fun happy day for him as well. He has improved so much in talking it is impossible not to celebrate that. I hope I can come up with something simple and meaningful. 

I'm torn on what to do. The one thing that I've learned over the past few months is that just because someone's family does not mean that you forgive them and go on with them in your lives. You can tell a family member to stay away and have healthy boundaries if they're never going to change and hurt you.  

Grief support group week 2 and 3 and updates on the family.

Sophie:

So I have been going back to the grief support group and proud of myself for doing so. It has been a little over whelming but also has brought me some relief as well. This is the first time that I have ever been in a support group with people that I know and also know my family and at first I was not sure if I should be a part of the group because of that but I have stuck it out and have shared things that I have only ever told my therapist and that part of share things to people I know has been the hardest but also the most liberating thing I have ever done. The group has been extremely supportive and have been patient with how hard this is on me and the fact that I am not good at explaining my emotions at all. It has brought up some emotions and I know that I have been extra short with Ken because talking about this always makes me edgy. But he never complains just checks in with me every now and then. Next week we focus on Spirituality and I know right now that this one is going to be a hard one on me.

The group has also mad me realize how much anger and hurt I still have towards my family and even my parents even though they are dead. My whole life I told myself I am so lucky because it could have been a lot worse but I am slowly learning that it a way I avoid having to deal with or even think about what happened. My mom played a victim and the poor me rule as long as I can remember and I never wanted to do that. I never wanted any attention. I still have a hard time with that. I am also realizing at how much I miss them. I am not sure if it is them that I miss or the fact that I missed having any parents at all. I have always just taken care of anything that I need to do no problem I just did it but now at the age of 35 I wish I had a parent to call on. I am learning that a child's relationship with a parent or caregiver in really important and do to my situation growing up neither Lewis or I have someone we can call on, we have no safety net other than each other and that is not the same and what is even harder is that I feel we are both going through a hard time in life and we can't even give support to each other. I guess that is when we turn everything over to God and have faith! God's grace is amazing and I feel it daily and thankful that it is there but still my heart is telling me one thing and head is running a non stop script in my head about the other stuff. I guess that is why this whole month has been a hard one emotionally. I have felt really sad and lonely yet I am so happy to be around Ken and the kids. With Michael's therapies I don't get out of the house as much as I want. I have also tried to get in contact with a few friends with no luck. So I guess it all adds up and my brain wont shut off.

This week I had a lot of kids in my house and I loved it. With it being the first week of school a lot of kids only go half days and get out between 12:00pm and 1:00pm. At one point each day I had 7 to 8 kids in my house all the same age! I LOVED IT!! I always wanted to have a lot of kids but that is not happening now so it was nice to have it while it lasted! I was tired and in bed at 8:30 every night but it was so much fun and I loved hearing all the laughing, playing and yes even the fighting was cute. But it was a lot for Michael and it has had a few side-affects on his sleep. Up at least 3 times a night and really grumpy and clingy to me during the day. So maybe it is good that we can not have anymore kids! I can still dream about what it would have been like though and I would have loved it. Michael would have adjusted over time! (I am not sure Ken would though) LOL

I am excited about Labor Day because we will have people over and do a BBQ and the kids can play in the water. I try to have something that I can look forward too. I need to get better about planning one thing very week so I have things to look forward

Kaylee:

Kaylee started Kindergarten and is loving it! Her teacher is amazing which is good. It is so hard for me to think of her as a kindergartner! School has only been in for a week but so far she can't wait to get there and always wants to leave early! We had back to school night and got some more info which helped us understand how they do things. 

Kaylee also lost her first tooth on Wednesday! I could not believe that it fell out. But she was so happy plus the tooth fairy came in the middle of the night!! Michael keeps asking about his teeth. I guess he wants to loss his tooth just like his big sister. She has a dentist appointment on August 31st and she can't wait to show them! 

Kaylee's Birthday is on Tuesday and she will be 5 years old!! She can't wait. I have had a hard time getting a party together for her. For some reason I am just having a hard time this year. Plus last Sunday my Aunt said some pretty hurtful things to Kaylee and I! I am still trying to process it all and figure out how to handle it all. My heart is full of sadness for Kaylee as she does not understand all the stuff that goes on in a family she just loves everyone endlessly. But this time it affected her greatly. So possessing time is needed for me to decide on what to do next. I canceled a tea party that I was going to have for the adults in her life because of all of this so to make up for that we are going to take Kaylee to her FAVORITE restaurant on her birthday!

Michael:

Michael's behaviors have gotten a lot more intense the past month and it is stressing me out a little. We meet with his ABA team and they have noticed it as well. I asked if it could be his age and some of it is probably age but most of it is sensory and  him getting overly stimulated and not knowing how to tell us or dealing with it himself. He is only 2 almost 3. He has about 3 to 4 melt downs a day and they last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes a few have lasted hours! On top of that he has the usual temper tantrums that very 3 year old has. It is just so tiring. I need a break from him.

On the plus side Michael language is improving DAILY! He is talking clear and using more and more words. I am so thankful that communication is possible now. He also has a visual schedule that we use and that seems to help a lot with transitions. The one thing I am not good at but need to improve is prep him for things. I mean start about 30 minutes before we leave the house or get Kaylee from school. I need to tell him details of what the process will be. Example: "Michael we are going to get Kaylee from School. You will be in the stroller." (because he thinks that he gets to WALK) "so we are going to get our shoes on in 5 minutes!" And do this a few time so he knows the transition process. I have learned that some of his melt downs come from frustration of not understanding what is happening or what is expected of him. So I do my best to prep and explain both visually and verbally.

Ken:

Ken has been at Costco a year September 1st! He loves it. They asked him about being supervisor and I think he wants the position but we will see. I just happy that he loves his job and has a set schedule every week. The raises are good the personal time is great and he loves how he is treated. It is been so nice to see him happy with work. We also get to see each other a lot more too!

Grief support group. TRIGGER and TMI

Well about 2 months ago my therapist told me to try a grief support group because she thought that what I thought was depression and anxiety sound more like grief. To be honest I thought she was nuts and did not look in to it at all. Then last week I learned that there was a 6 week Grief support group starting at our church and thought I would try it out. Well last night was the first meeting and it was really hard for me.

First of most people who are dealing with the lost of a parent there are "treasured Memories" or "good times" Well I don't have that at all. I don't have any good times really to look back on and can saw that was a time that I can hold onto and remember for always. Second " You have a right to search for meaning"! Meaning all I ever told myself was it could have been worse so much worse! I feel out of place in the group. Right now I am not sure that this group is what I need. Yes I can say I am grieving because I learned that I am grieving so much more than the death of my parents. I am grieving the fact that I never had PARENTS. I am full of anger about it.

I also never cry because I hate how it makes me feel but I cried last night! I cried  in-front of people that I did not even know. I could not believe that I did that. So it tells me that either I am SO NOT ready to take this process on or that I am a CHICKEN and don't want to face everything.

I have been in therapy off and on since I was about 12 years old. I am able to talk to my therapist about so much and unable to talk to anyone else. I have never really talked to anyone else about my feelings around my parents other than I wanted nothing to do with them. Because of that I never that I should give their death any attention or process any feeling because I told myself that own that they are gone it is over and I can live my life freely without them. I did post one blog about my childhood but it only cover a small blur. I still feel like I am betraying my family if I talk about things. I feel that everyone in my family is pretending that we are something that we are not. For now I just need to figure out if I should continue with the support group or not.

June was a crazy month and July is starting out the same way. Camping, Father's Day and Health scares and more health scares.

KEN:

So about a month ago Ken and the kids were playing on a slip and slide and Ken fell knock the wind out of himself and hurt his really badly chest. It still hurts him a lot now. The first week after his fall he notice a lump under his left breast and thought it was from the fall. But it did not go away so he told me and I convinced him to go to the doctor. The only problem was that he did not have a new doctor yet after leaving Kaiser in May. So I called grandmas PCP and he got an appointment for Ken on June 29th. Okay so we had to wait a few weeks not bad right. Wrong we both spent the next 3 weeks freaking out about to ourselves. Then he came home from work early the Thursday before his appointment because he was in so much pain. Scared me a little. Ken is tough and can handle a lot of stuff and has not called in sick in over a year! I knew he was in pain then.

Breast cancer runs in Ken's family: His Grandma (his moms mom) Aunt (moms sister) and his Mother. I worry about the BRCA gene and our kids. I was tested when I had my hysterectomy and I am not a carrier so that is good. We made it to the June 29th and Ken had his appointment with a full physical. Dr. Lu said he was in good health but wanted x-ray, blood work and was referring him to a surgeon to have the lump checked out. His appointment with the surgeon was set for July 5th. Dr. Lu said that the lump was there before the fall and it had been there for a while. He said his chest pain was from the fall not the lump and his rib is really bruised not fractured like we thought. That part was good.

So we meet with the surgeon on July 5th. He said that the lump is most likely benign but we get the biopsy back next week. He measured the lump and it is 6 cm (2 inches) and to larger to be removed in his office it would have to be done at a hospital. He said we should ask Ken's mom to get tested for the BRCA gene and if she is positive then Ken should be tested. If it is benign then we go back in a few months for him to measure it again and if it is fast growing or if the BRCA is a problem then he will take it out.

This was the first time I really thought about Ken being sick and it scared me a lot. I always thought that I would be the one to die first and so on not him. I also thought about the kids and money because his the main source of income and health insurance. It was eye opening and made me think of the future and so on.

The Doctor called today July 10th and it was a Benign!! He thought it was and I just he was right. I am relieved and can let go of some of the stress that was getting to me.

Father's Day:

For Father's Day and Ken's birthday the kids and I got the carpets clean in the Dinning room, Living-room, and Hallway. Ken is so happy! The house looks really good now. Ken and I are going to clean the couches next week and then it is done. I wish we could have done more for him because he is such an amazing dad but everyone how knows Ken knows that he loves to clean and have a clean house. We went to dinner with Ken's parents at Kyoto Palace the kids had a great time. Kaylee ate shrimp and more shrimp.Both kids loved watching them cook in front of us. Kaylee wants to go back for her Birthday dinner in August.

Camping:
We went camping for 2 nights in June and it went well. We took Payton along with us and our friend Sara and her daughter Emma came along too.

Watching wild pigs.

We had a lot of fun. Michael had a hard time the second day but got over it by lunch time. We all slept in one big tent and used a smaller tent for the kids toys and for them to play in. I can not wait to do it again. Both Kaylee and Michael keep asking to go again. We are planning to go for Kaylee's birthday. I think it will be our new family thing in warm weather. We love the camp grounds that we go to because it is so close.

Kaylee:

This month has been really hard on Kaylee. She keeps asking about Kindergarten and her friends from preschool. She has had the most meltdowns and tantrums this past month, then ever before as well as not sleeping through the night. I know she is nevus and or scared about the big changes in the new school year. I am a little surprised by this though. I ask her why she is sad and she says "i don't know. I am just sad". She is also complaining of headaches which is from allergies which is not making her feeling good either. both ken and I have been doing stuff with her one on one.
We are still waiting to hear if she got into Easter Brook Discovery. She was #20 in the lottery and we should find out sometime this month. It would be so much better for her to get into that school. She is growing up so fast. Her summer school teacher said that "Kaylee was the kindest kid she has seen in a long time and she thought that she would grow up to be a wonderful woman!" I cried. It made may day to hear that. Kaylee is turning into a great little girl and I am so happy about that. I worry that I am going to mess her up in some way.

Michael:
Michael's speech has improved so much in the last few weeks I can't believe that he is the same kid. He is using so many more words and is understanding more and more. I am getting tired of having therapy everyday but it helps him so much. His hitting and biting are out if control though. Poor Kaylee get the most of it. He is starting to leave marks on her now. But he is improving with everything. After coming back from camping we had to take him in to the doctors for his toe. He cut it while camping and of course in got infected! He still did not pass his hearing test this past month. His nerve in his right ear does not seem to work like it should. I really don't know what that means and have not had the time to look it up. I know that he can hear us and his left ear is good so I am not going to push this to much right now. His drooling is crazy still and I am at a loss as to why. His speech and OT therapists think that is medical and his E.N.T thinks it is muscle tone. SO what do I do with that!! He wont die from drooling to much but it is very discussing and not very cute anymore.
He is getting out of hand with the vacuuming. Now every house we go to he asks for the vacuum! I am hoping it will blow over soon. Grandma has hiding all of her vacuums and I had to lock ours up! I am talking about hours everyday of him vacuuming the house. Kaylee is going crazy too! Then if he can't find a vacuum he wants to watch them on youtube!
Next month our school district will evaluate him and he will start preschool in October after he turns 3. I can not wait. I know it will be hard for him at first but once he is okay with it he will love it.

Me, Sophie:
It has been a very busy last 6 weeks or so. I had a very good job offer that I decided not to take. Ken and I both realized how tired we both are and that there is no way I can work 15 hours a week during dinner and bedtime. I am not ready to deal with Michael and the change in routine. It would be hard on all of us. So for now I am going to keep doing what I am doing. His therapy takes up a lot of my time in the mornings. Monday through Friday I have people in and out of my house all morning from 8:00 am to 12:00 pm. It takes a lot of energy to deal with that everyday. Plus they are teaching me things too! It wears me out.

My therapist is getting married at the end of July and is leaving the area. I had my last meeting with her a few weeks ago. I really liked her a lot. She helped think about things in a different way. They tried to set me up with a new therapist but it was not a good fit. So I am going to get it a rest for now and do a support group my therapist recommended for me. It starts in a few weeks. We will see how it goes. I am not a fan of group therapy stuff but really want to stay mentally healthy for myself and the family. I find that as Kaylee gets older it is getting harder for me. I am not sure if it is because of my mom or just what I went through at her age that makes it hard for me. But I don't want that to happen. I want a normal or at least a close healthy relationship with my daughter now and for every so I need to keep working on it. But after the day we had today I feel like a mean/bad mom. All she did was cry about everything all day. I finally had grandma take over for me because I could not take her anymore.

As for my health issues I am tired of being tired and sick. My new non-Kaiser GI doctor has been working with me and did a second Surgery and removed more of the infected area in my stomach as well as a lot more test and biopsies. He also did a colonoscopy. I have a lot/too many white blood cells all throughout my GI track and he is not sure as to way. It usually just affects the esophagus and stomach and not the instances I seem to have it all the way through. But at least I know why I am so tired and don't feel well. I am on some new medication and they gave me a list of stuff that I should not eat! I have to go back in a few weeks. I also have a new PCP and I like him a lot too. So I am at least covered by doctors now.

Other than that Life is going by fast. The kids keep me busy. I am trying to get out of the house more and do some fun stuff but I am to tired right now. I am just really looking forward to school starting in a month. I love my kids but I have noticed that if I get a break of 4 hours a week away from the kids I have a lot more patients for the kids. The hard part is that getting that break. I really don't have anyone to help me and we don't have money to pay a babysitter. Ken does a get job trying to give me time away but he is tired and we have so much to do around the house I feel so bad leaving. I am hoping to do some stuff with friend and have people over for dinner soon. It helps me so much to have stuff to look forward too. 

Health Insurance, Michael and thinking about Grandpa Guetschow

This last few weeks I have been really tired. Michael is doing better about not needing us to go in his room when he wakes in the middle of the night but I still hear him in there complaining or moaning. I am so happy that he can put himself back to sleep most nights! I have 2 more days of treatment and new medications and then I have a break for a month as we switch over all our health care to new doctors. I will have to see be seen and re-evaluated by my new doctors before we do any other medications as well as a few tests and blood work YUCK! I think I found my new primary care doctor. I meet him in 2 weeks so I hope it goes well. It just all takes so much time. I am feeling scared about not being with Kaiser any more. Not so much because I love my doctors but I have been with them since I was a teenager and it feels safe. But I am willing to change. Its just hard.

Michael has had a hard 2 weeks and it is not letting up yet. I think he is having a growth spurt and he is hungry all the time and will only eat Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, Hot dogs, Broccoli, pasta and a few fruits. He seems to get overly stimulated really easy these days and will go crazy. It wears me out. He is always crashing into something or rolling around on toys and jumping off things. I am afraid he is going to get really hurt but so far so good. He is starting to hit and push Kaylee really hard and it hurts her. I am not sure how we can brake him of this but we are working on it.

On Tuesday we went swimming at my in-laws house and it was so much fun. We swam for almost 2 hours. Then had dinner there. The kids had the best time there. I am so happy that they both like the water. I need to get Michael into swim lessons soon. Kaylee is pretty good but still needs a few more lessons. I am looking forward to a lot of swimming this year!

I have a job interview today and I am excited and scared all at once. I am happy to have this chance though and if does not work with what I am looking for then I will move on. I am kinda excited it get out of the house though. I think anything that gets me out of the house is good. I have a few other ideas if this job does not work out.

Last night grandma invited us over for dinner and we had steaks. Ken BBQ them. They were so good but it got me think about grandpa and the night before he died we had steaks for dinner. It was Grandma, Grandpa, Lewis and I. It was a wonderful dinner and he talked to all of us so nicely. He told me I was beautiful and that Lewis was so smart. It was like he was saying his goodbye. After dinner he went to bed and did not talk again and died 4 days later with me and mom by his side. I really do miss him. This July it has been 20 years since he passed away. Crazy! So much has happened in those 20 years. There is so much I wanted him to be part of. Grandma says she mad at him for missing all these little great-grandkids running around the house. I just wish he could have been here for her these last 20 years. I can't imagine my life without Ken for a month, 20 years would hurt so bad. Strange how I think of grandpa more as a father than my own dad. Grandpa spent the most time teaching Lewis and I about gardening and always always took care of us. I also love listening to him sing. I still play his music for the kids and I love hearing them sing along with him.

April 1982 Dennis and Pam's wedding.

Grandma and Grandpa's Backyard 1983

2 of my favorite pictures of me with him. I have photos of when I was older but these will always be my favorite. His birthday is on May 28th. I always have sweet corn for dinner to honor him as well as we eat popcorn for snacks all day long. His favorite foods.

May has always been a hard month emotionally for me. So much has happened for me in May and it brings up a lot of hard memories and old emotions. I guess that it is fitting that both my parents died in May. I am going out to lunch with someone that I have not seen in a very long time next week. Almost 16 years! Crazy how time flies by. I am trying to plan a lot of fun things this week and next to help make the rest of this month Sunday swimming at my in-laws after nap time. And so much more.

Quick update on Michael's sleep test.

So Michael had a sleep study done on April 28th. I was really worried that he would on cooperate with the  whole thing but he ended up doing better than I though. He screamed during getting hooked up to all the wires and other stuff but calmed down as soon as they were done. We also took his i-pad and that helped a lot. I had to stay/sleep there too. I slept in a recliner most of the night. Michael was asleep before 9:00pm. He woke periodically through out the night but went right back to sleep. I was happy we made it through without any major problems. 

His Sleep doctor called me yesterday with the results. He has mild sleep apnea and elevated periodic limb movements. At the moment they are more worried about periodic limb movements than the sleep apnea. We have blood work pending and a new doctor to see. No wonder he is up several times a night and moves around in his crib like he is awake. That also makes me understand why some days he is a total grump. I know when I don't sleep well I am grumpy.

This kid has more issues than I ever thought possible. I hope that we can get everything straightened out for him.

Updates

 The best thing ever happened this past month: Ken is now only working one job!!!! I am so happy and relived. We only have enough money saved up to do this for a few months though. ( I hate having to make everything about money) One of us is going to have to get a job. We are going to enjoy some time together as a FAMILY and I hoping that Ken and I finally get some time for just us. These last 2.5 years have been so hard and I miss having fun together. I missed just hanging out with him and I think Kaylee has as well. She keeps asking him if he is going into work every afternoon. I am just happy that he will be home more to help with the kids. Having home for only a few hours mid-day was not much help for me to get a break. I love my kids but I just want a little time apart from them! WE ALL NEED THAT.

I am working on having a big yard sell at grandmas house to help us with rent and bills for May and June. I am going to have to ask for help because Ken can't take anytime off from Costco but I am not suppose to lift anything. I am just not sure who to ask! I feel like I have asked the same people all the time and I don't want to burn them out. Anyways we are playing on getting rid of a lot of stuff that we do not need. We have so much stuff and I want to de-cluttered everything. It will be hard for Ken but once we get going it should be okay.

We are in the process of changing health insurance and it is a pain. I have never had anything but Kaiser and I am really scared/nervous about the whole thing. The kids are staying on Medi-cal/Kaiser as long as they qualify. So with all of Michael's therapies and health issues that is a good thing. As for me I am in the process of finding a few doctors and it is hard for me. I hate it because I feel like they all ask so many questions even if you give them your medical records. So far I think I found one doctor I like so hopefully it will all fall into place. I have until May 1st to get everything organized and we no longer have Kaiser. I also just started a new medication about 5 days ago and I think it is helping me with a few of my symptoms but I am not a fan of the side-affects as of right now but my doctor said the longer I take it they will subside. I seem to have a lot more energy and my pain is pretty much gone during the day if I keep myself busy. I keep praying that this will all be under control when I change doctors and hospitals. I am tired of stressing about all of this.

Kaylee also got a scholarship for summer school! I am so happy about this. We only signed her up for 5 weeks but still now she has stuff to do for the summer and to get her ready for kindergarten. She loves school and would go crazy home with me all day since we can not go anywhere because of Michael's therapy.

We have made some reservations to go camping a few times over the summer. I am not sure how Michael is going to do but we will see. I am happy that we have a few things to look forward to in this summer.

Parents, Abuse, Death and Forgiveness. (I have been working on this for a few days. This may be to much for some people)

I feel that I should worn you that if you know me or my parents you may not want to read this. It is my truth! Most of my friends and family know my childhood was hard but this is a little detailed. To be honest I can't believe I am even writing this!

The time around my birthday is always a little hard for me. Not because of my age or the fact that I am getting older but of my relationship to my parents. To me my birthday and my parents go together. I am here on this earth because they wanted a child supposedly. Now 35 years later here I am and they both are DEAD and I am still trying to understand why they wanted to have kids or if they even loved me or know what love is! Last Sunday night at Popcorn (family night) after everyone had gone home, Lewis and I for the first time ever talked about our childhood with grandma. The drugs, violence, and fear. We did leave a lot of stuff out like the sexual abuse and a lot of the more violet events of course. But it was the first time as adults Lewis and I talked and then agreed on events of our past. I am still trying to understand how this all happened in the first place and why after all these years Grandma would want to know these things. She was always adamant that our mom was not as bad as we thought!

 For many years before they both died I told myself that they where no longer my parents. I had done my best to erase them out of my life. Yes I knew that there was still there was this connection from them to me and me to them but I had tried to pretend that it was not there but it was still there and even today as my children grow and get older I am finding it harder and harder to ignore it. It is there pulling at me to acknowledge it. Now with my health issues that have come in to play (some of the medical issues are do to trauma from my childhood) it seems to be pulling at me even more. Then with grandma wanting to talk about stuff I feel a little very overwhelmed or maybe unsettled. 

Before my parents died I had thought that I had resolved my issues with them as best I could and tried to move on and then when I had my first child Kaylee I soon realized that was very far from true. I even started to feel for them and have sympathy and felt that I was starting to understand them and their action and that made me so angry and then scared because I had told myself that I did not love them and did not care about them. I had tried my best to erase all feeling toward them good and bad.  I wanted nothing to do with them but do family events that was never going to happen. My mom was after all my grandmothers daughter. One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was let my mother hold Kaylee. I only agreed because of how much it meant to grandma. I literally gave Kaylee to my aunt Janet and left the room and cried. I felt broken and still am. As I look back on that day I wish I had protested more. I ended up in a postpartum support group after that and worked on letting my mom and Kaylee have a relationship. It was hard on me but I did it for Kaylee and Grandma. My the time Kaylee was born she was already in a nursing home so that help a little. I took Kaylee twice a month with Grandma to see my mom. Surprisingly Kaylee remembers my mom and the nursing home. She still talks about Grandma Judy a lot. But ever since the day I let mom my hold her I have been struggle with my relationship to my parents. What if I did love them and care about them?? What would that me for me, for them and how I related to my 2 amazing children? Then they both died. My dad died 3 year ago this May 2nd and my mom 2 years this April 12th. How do you morn someone that you thought you hated and never love? I have told myself over the past 25 years at least that they hated me and wanted me only for the attention I brought them. Why do I care?

I really do believe that my mother hated me and I will never really understand why that was or when her anger and hate started and why. I don't ever remember her being nice to me unless it was because she wanted something from me or to use me for a way for her to get attention. There are a few pictures when I was really young that you see she cared but only a few.

The following picture is the last one of everyone happy.

Even before this picture was taken I already have memories of her talking to me in a mean/hateful way. I even remember on the day she came home from the hospital after having Lewis that I ended up getting stitches above my eye because she pulled or pushed me off a step stool in kitchen because I was making a mess! Come on I was 3 1/2 years old! That is when I remember all the LIES starting. "She just fell" or "she is just accident prone". I don't even think my family knows the truth about that fall that day but at this point it does even really matter. I don't think they know about a lot of stuff that went on because of my parents. And more to the point I don't think they could handle it. Things change rapidly after that day and as a small child I knew no differently. 

I don't ever remember a time when my mom was not using or drinking but she hid it well for everyone. I do remember the last time I let my mom hug me and I am not even sure why we were hugging but I was around 8 years old and we were at grandma Arlene's house and she was leaving and while she was hugging me I started to cry and I have no idea why I was crying and even if there was a reason but I know that once that hug ended it would be the last one and since that day I never hugged her not once. There were many times that she tried to hug me and most of the time I was able to avoid it and a few times that I just stood there but I never once returned it. To be honest ever time she touche me I wanted to run away or slap her but I contained myself most of the time. The hardest part was when she was dying. Watching her her lay in the bed knowing that she would only be in this world for only a short time longer I started to to feel the need to crawl into her bed and have her hold me and at the same time I could not even hold her hand! I felt torn and so confused. I guess I wanted something that I never had and her death meant that there was no chance of ever having it. A dream of having a mother. Having all the things that I am for Kaylee and more. I was the only on with her when she passed away and I wanted to take her hand in that moment but I could not move. I stood there next to her and prayed and all that came to mind was the Lords Prayer and I said it over and over again. I never did touch her before they took her body. At this point I don't even know if it matters to me or not.

My moms family put a lot of the blame on my Dad and my dads family blames my MOM. For some reason in my eyes my mom was thousand times worse than my dad. My dad was physically abusive but my mom was much worse than that. She was physically abusive but also mentally. She played with my emotions all the time. She even gave me to her drug dealer and let him do what ever he wanted for her drug habit! During any of this did she love me? How on earth was she putting my best interested at heart? Did she even care what was happening to me? All of this craziness went on until one day I was home sick from school with my mom. I think I was in 6th grade. I made her mad because I would not make her lunch!! So she called my dad home from work  "to take care of me" I am not even sure what she said to him but I knew he was going to be mad. I remember hiding in the laundry-room closet until he found me. That by far was the scariest day of my life so far! After that day I pretty much live with my moms parents during the week. So after that my dad said that he wanted a Divorce because he was tired of all the games my mom played. My mom and brother moved in with Grandma and Grandpa as well. Soon after my grandparents found out about my moms drinking and drug uses. They helped her get into rehab! To me rehab made her worse. She became so shelf centered and blamed everyone else for all her problems and actions. She never got better physically or mentally between all the drugs, drinking and health issues she was crazy. She never really was normal even though most people thought she was until they got to know her.

 The last 5 or 6 years of her life or maybe even longer she was angry at everything. Nothing could bring her happiness. The more angry and hateful she became at the world the more I told myself that she was nothing to me other than the person that gave me life. In the back of my head I kept asking myself how could a mother hate their child? What would make that happen? I knew both of moms parents had loved her and raised her well. I knew that my moms siblings where well established so what caused her to be so different. The loss of a child? Mental health? Addiction? Abuse by someone other that her parents? Or maybe all those or maybe something else all together? I still have these question and will probably never really know the answer. But in all those years of being hurt and telling myself that this woman my mother meant nothing to me was not so true. I am learning that I do have a connection to her and I guess I did love her or have some strange attachment to her in some way. I guess that once I can come to terms with the fact that is okay for me to want her or love her (this part my take me the rest of my life) I may be able to finally complete the forgiveness process.

 As a child and young adult always questioned God on why he made me and why if he loved me some much would I have these people as my parents. Lewis and I went to church every Sunday with our grandparents and sometimes our mom. It blows me away at how normal I thought was back then. When I was about 10 or 12 I was at a church youth event and the youth Pastor at the time Tim Huff would had no real idea why I was so made, gave me this verse for a game we were playing and it has stuck with me for ever.

Jeremiah 29 11-14

. 11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord,

Yes I still have a lot to work on and I am not as far as along as I had thought I was but I am more happy then I ever thought possible and after talking with Lewis and hearing him validate my memories has helped me and I am not sure in what way other than me knowing someone else was there too and saw it, heard it and I agrees with me. I guess it helps me feel validated in some way. I am so lucky to have a great husband who loves me and our kids. I am blessed with 2 kids I never thought I could have and a wonderful life full of so many beautiful people and things. I have so much more than I ever thought possible when I was younger. I am truly lucky and sometimes forget that. I did not end up on drugs or worse yet dead.

Secrets (Totally random)

I have been struggling with the meaning of Secret or secrets. What is your definition of Secret? Why is a secret all most always a bad thing? 

se·cret

ˈsēkrit/

adjective

1. 1.

   not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others.

   "how did you guess I had a secret plan?"

   synonyms:

   confidential, top secret, classified, undisclosed, unknown, private, under wraps; More

noun

1. 1.

   something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others.

   "a state secret"

   synonyms:

   confidential matter, confidence, private affair;  skeleton in the closet "he just can't keep a secret"

I was talking with a friend and it turns out we have a totally different opinion on the meaning. Ken and I seem to be on the same side of the meaning. I guess that is why we are married and tell each other almost everything. I have always assumed that everyone has something that they keep to themselves and I consider that normal and healthy. But when or how does that become unhealthy. Where is that line drawn? Okay last question is a Secret then a lie if you never disclose or talk about?

I have been trying to find something to help me under stand all of this. Bible versus, Self-help books, blogs, websites and so on. So far I am just even more confused. I would love to hear what you all think.

Tahoe trip, Kindergarten and Health stuff

February flew by so fast but I still can't believe it's already March. So much went on in that month too. I had a lot of doctor visits and Michael started OT. We even managed to take a small family vacation on top of it all. All in all it was a good month and I had a little fun for the first time in a long time. Maybe life is going to be a lot less stressful. One of the biggest helps is that I found a great therapist to work with and I made it happen. Therapy helps me so much.

Snow Trip

The trip to the snow was amazing and went much better than I thought it would. What made it even better is we went with anther family so the kids had play mates. Kaylee said thank you so many times I lost count. It was so nice to have a break from our day to day life. The kids played in the snow much longer than i thought they would.

Michael was not sure how to walk in the snow and was not happy if we made him walk!

Kaylee had a blast every day!

Sled time!!

My cutie

Family Photo

Group photo with the Muetschard Family

Playing with icicles off the roof!

I am so happy that we took this trip and even more happy at how well Michael handled the change. It gives me hope and makes me want to try and go camping this spring and summer! Anyways I hope that this is a start of a new tradition for both of our families. All 4 of the kids had a blast and there was no fighting. The 3 oldest kids all shared one room and every night everyone was asleep before 8:00pm. AMAZING right. 

Friendship

While on the trip I realized that Michelle and I have known each other for 23 years! That is over half of my life! It got me thinking about how much has happened over those 23 years and what each of us has gone through. So many changes both good and bad but still our friendship remains!

7th Grade 1993-1994

10th Grade 1997-1998

Friend 2017

So it was a great trip and we all had a blast next time I hope that we can try and stay for a one more night and do a few more things. 

Kindergarten

The first Wednesday after out trip Ken went down and registered Kaylee for Kindergarten! I can not believe she is that old already! I know that she is ready and keeps asking me when it starts and I think that is what makes it so hard for me, the fact that she is wanting to happen. She has no fear about anything and I love that about her but I feel like at 4 years old she does not need me any more :-( . She is so comfortable with everything and just goes with the flow. It is just so unreal. I am really happy that she can take care of herself and is so helpful. Just sad that she is not my baby anymore.

Insurance and Health

Also before we left on vacation I had a few procedures done and had a change of medication. Now my doctors have given me a few different choices/options for my next steps and I am not sure what to do. I go in this Thursday and we will take it from there. We are also in the process of getting new insurance with Ken's new work and they don't have Kaiser. It is all a little bit overwhelming for me. I am not sure if now is the best to change doctors and stuff with all the health issues that are going on. The kids are both going to stay on Medi-cal for now as long as they qualify. Once Michael is 3 he will stay on Medi-cal and Kaylee can be on what were. There is  no way we could ever cover the copay's for all of Michael's therapies and his medications.