What to do for Michael's birthday and a little more. (FYI I am venting about family)

Over the last 3 or 4 weeks I've been trying to figure out what to do for Michael's birthday.
There was a family incident a few days before Kaylee's birthday in August and I ended up canceling her tea party that was just for family and still kept her kid birthday party at the park. Kaylee was fine with that and had a wonderful time at her park party.

But this incident has been weighing on my heart and mind. It triggered something inside me that I never expected. I have been having some really BAD dreams/nightmares about my past. It also did not help that it also happen when I was going to the grief group at church which had already triggered things for me. I really wish I understood the human brain. I have not had dreams like these in years I think it has been almost 13 years. Since they have been this bad. Strange who words can trigger so much. They are almost worse than being physically attack and this is what I am trying to protect my kids from and I am at a loss on how to implement healthy boundaries and keep everyone safe. I know that I still hold on to so many of those words and names that I was attacked with over my childhood and even adulthood. I will never forget them. I have learned that they do not define me but sometimes it is hard to remember that though. My parents called me stupid and bad starting at a really young age, I had a cousin who called me an incompetent human-being for must of my grade-school and middle school years and no one stood up and told them to stop or took the time to tell me that it was not true. A family member blamed me and said that caused my Grandfathers death because I caused him to much stress, My mom called me a selfish person for most of my adult life even in-front of family and friend and no one told her to stop or told me she was wrong. I have gone to therapy for years trying to get these words and beliefs out of my head. These are the ones that I feel comfortable about writing you should hear the stuff that I can't even write about. I don't want my kids to have to deal with this. Words hurt and stick with you for ever even if you tell yourself it is not true and there is no reason for my KIDS to ever have to go through this. It broke my heart into pieces when I had to explain to Kaylee what SELFISH meant! and it killed me even more that I did not stick up for her when the work attack was happening. I felt like I failed as a mother for the first time. I have had to do a lot of processing and thinking. The good thing is that since this incident happened I've learned that we have so many people that we're not related to by blood that are family to us. And I treasure every single one of them that have included my children into their lives, and even Ken and I. My kids are so so lucky. Grandma is 93 and wont be around forever. I kept think that she is the last then it will only be Lewis and I. But I have realized that I have been lucky enough to have start to grow a family out of friendships and love. I see that now and it gives my heart a little peace. 

So back to Michael's Party am I ready to set these boundaries and follow through with how and what are okay behaviors to put up with? I have no idea what to do and this is really bugging me.I am struggling to come up with something for Michael. I feel he deserves a party because he has come so far this past year and I believe that this would be the first party he'd understand what was going on and what it was for. I also want it to be a fun happy day for him as well. He has improved so much in talking it is impossible not to celebrate that. I hope I can come up with something simple and meaningful. 

I'm torn on what to do. The one thing that I've learned over the past few months is that just because someone's family does not mean that you forgive them and go on with them in your lives. You can tell a family member to stay away and have healthy boundaries if they're never going to change and hurt you.