Showing posts with label beingawomen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beingawomen. Show all posts

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Mother’s Day: The Pain and the Joy


Mother’s Day has always felt complicated to me.

Beautiful. Tender. Heavy.

For some, it is a day filled with flowers, laughter, handmade cards, and family gatherings.
For others, it is a day that quietly reopens wounds they spend most of the year trying to hold together.

And for many of us, it is somehow both at once.

There is joy in motherhood, real joy.
The kind that comes when little arms wrap around your neck.
When children call out “Mom!” from another room, they trust you will answer.
When bedtime stories, messy kitchens, and small ordinary moments somehow become sacred.

There are moments when I look at my children and feel something I never truly understood growing up: safety.

Not perfect safety.
Not a life untouched by fear or mistakes.
But a home where children are allowed to laugh loudly, cry honestly, and exist without constantly preparing themselves for someone else’s anger.

And yet, alongside the joy, there is grief.

Because becoming a mother does not erase the child I once was.

Mother’s Day has a way of shining light on what was missing.
On the things I needed but never received.
Gentleness. Protection. Comfort.
A mother who saw me clearly and chose me consistently.

Sometimes I watch my children run toward me without fear, and I realize I never had that kind of certainty myself.
I learned early to survive instead of simply being a child.
To study moods instead of resting in love.
To prepare for disappointment before hope could even fully form.

Mother’s Day can reopen those quiet wounds.

Not because I am ungrateful.
Not because I do not love my children deeply.
But because healing often works this way: joy and grief sit at the same table.

And for many mothers, the grief carried into Mother’s Day is even deeper.

There are mothers grieving miscarriages.
Stillbirths.
Infertility.
Children lost too soon.
Dreams that never had the chance to fully become reality.

The world often treats these losses as invisible because there are no school photos, birthday parties, or visible memories for others to hold onto.
But a mother begins loving her child long before the world ever sees them.

The moment hope appears, love begins growing too.

A miscarriage is not “just” a miscarriage.
It is the loss of a child imagined and loved.
A future dreamed about in quiet moments.
A thousand tiny hopes suddenly gone.

Stillbirth carries another kind of heartbreak entirely.
To prepare a nursery while also preparing for goodbye.
To leave a hospital with empty arms when every part of your body expected to bring a baby home.

There are no perfect words for that kind of grief.

And so many mothers carry it silently because people do not know what to say.
Or worse, they try to explain the pain away.

“You can try again.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least…”

But grief is not healed by explanations.

Sometimes what grieving mothers need most is acknowledgment:

Your child mattered.
Your love was real.
Your motherhood counts.

And I think the world forgets something important about Mother’s Day:

Motherhood has never been defined only by birth.

There are women who carried children in their bodies.
And there are women who carried children through life.

Women who stayed.
Women who protected.
Women who listened.
Women who nurtured.
Women who stepped into spaces where love was needed and gave it freely.

Some women desperately wanted children and could not have them.
Some chose not to have children for deeply personal reasons.
Some became mothers through adoption, fostering, mentoring, teaching, ministry, friendship, or simply through the way they cared for others.

And none of those forms of motherhood are lesser.

I can think of several women who never gave birth but still shaped people with the tenderness, steadiness, and sacrifice of a mother.
Women who noticed pain others ignored.
Women who fed children, encouraged them, prayed for them, guided them, and loved them without needing a biological title to make it real.

Because motherhood is not only biology.

It is presence.

It is the choice to nurture life in someone else.
To make another person feel safe, valued, seen, and loved.

Some of the most mothering people in this world are teachers.
Grandmothers.
Aunts.
Mentors.
Godmothers.
Older sisters.
Women in churches and communities who quietly gather hurting children under their wings and love them as their own.

Sometimes, for wounded children, those women become the closest thing to a mother they ever truly knew.

And I also know this hard truth:

Not everyone who gives birth becomes a mother.

Biology alone does not create safety.
It does not automatically create gentleness, protection, or love.

There are people who bring children into this world yet never truly see them.
Never protect them.
Never nurture them.
Some children grow up learning fear long before they ever learn trust.

And that reality can make Mother’s Day deeply complicated for survivors of abuse, neglect, abandonment, or emotional harm.

Because while the world celebrates motherhood, some people are quietly grieving the fact that they never truly had one.

A child should never have to earn love by becoming smaller, quieter, easier, or less needy.
A child should not have to become hyperaware of moods just to survive inside their own home.

And yet many of us did.

Some women gave birth to children but left the mothering undone.

And some women who never gave birth became the very definition of what a mother should be.

That contrast can be painful to sit with.

Especially when society insists that titles alone deserve automatic honor while ignoring the lived reality of children who were harmed by the very people meant to protect them.

The truth is, motherhood is not proven in a delivery room.
It is proven over time.

In patience.
In sacrifice.
In consistency.
In the ability to make a child feel safe enough to rest instead of constantly survive.

Real motherhood is not perfection.
But it is presence.

It is showing up.
Apologizing when wrong.
Protecting instead of controlling.
Listening instead of silencing.
Choosing love even in difficult moments.

I think many survivors wrestle with guilt on Mother’s Day because they do not feel the warm emotions others expect them to feel.
Some are mourning mothers they lost.
Others are mourning mothers they never truly had at all.

And those are not the same grief, but both are real.

There is a particular kind of loneliness in realizing that someone can be your mother biologically while never becoming a safe place emotionally.

But I also think there is healing in recognizing this:

The failure to mother well says everything about the wound within the parent and nothing about the worth of the child.

Children were always worthy of tenderness.
Of protection.
Of comfort.
Of being chosen fully and lovingly.

And many survivors grow up determined to become the kind of safe adult they once desperately needed themselves.

That is part of what makes Mother’s Day both painful and beautiful.

Some people spend the day grieving what they never received.
Others spend it quietly, celebrating the fact that the cycle stopped with them.

That, despite everything, they learned how to love gently.

How to stay soft without becoming weak.
How to nurture others even while healing themselves.

And maybe that is one of the most courageous forms of motherhood there is.

Mother’s Day holds both ache and gratitude now.
The ache of the daughter I once was.
The gratitude of the mother I became.
The grief for children lost.
The joy for children held close.
The sorrow for prayers unanswered.
The hope that love can still grow in wounded places.

Both joy and grief deserve space here.

Because healing is not learning how to erase sadness.
Healing is learning how to carry joy beside it without shame.

This Mother’s Day, we honor every kind of mother:

The mothers raising children beside them.
The mothers grieving children they never got to hold long enough.
The mothers carrying invisible loss.
The women who mother through teaching, mentoring, fostering, caregiving, and loving.
The mothers trying to break cycles they did not create.
The women who became safe places for children who desperately needed one.

And we honor the little girls many of those mothers once were too.

The ones who survived long enough to become the safe place they once needed themselves.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Last 2 weeks and a Hysterectomy (my be T.M.I. for some people)

Almost 3 weeks ago I went in to the both my medical doctor and my OB. I saw my medical doctor for some GI issues I was having so she decided to run some blood work. I was fine with that and went on to my next appointment my O.B. for my regular check up. I take hormones so I go in very 6 months to check in. While there she decided to do a biopsy of my uterus and cervix. I had no idea they could do those in the doctors office but they can and I was extremely supersized that it don't hurt as bad as other things they have done to me. Not thinking much about it I went on with my day. The next morning my doctor called first thing saying there was something up with my liver and they wanted to do a CT scan! So I scheduled it for Friday Ken's next day off and to discuses the results on Monday the 14th in her office. A little concerned but thinking it was not that serious. Then late Wednesday afternoon my OB called and said she wanted to set up an appointment to come in as soon as possible to do some blood work and then talk with her. So I made an appointment on Friday a few hours before my CT scan. Again I was not that worried I figured it was something to do with my hormones or something weird like early menopause or I think you need a D.N.C again.  Well Friday came and I went to talk with my O.B. and well it was something to be worried about. They found pre-cancerous cell in both my cervix and uterus. http://wellescent.com/health_blog/do_i_have_cancer_or_not_and_the_precancerous_cop_out
She was also worried about the amount and length of my last period which I still have that started back in late December! She said we recommend a hysterectomy soon! So I meet the surgeon (who is a year younger than me by the way) right away. She examined me and looked over everything and said we can do this Monday! My mouth dropped to the floor and I said no way. I explained that I needed to find child care and help. So she scheduled it for March 25th 2 weeks away exactly. She also scheduled an ultrasound to do on Monday the 14th since I already had an appointment that day. I had to stop taking my hormones and other medications right away. Which has caused to worse cramps you could ever imagine! Ken and I were still kinda in shock when Monday rolled around. We had a friend to stay with the kids and Ken and I headed back to Kaiser. We did the ultrasound first where they found cysts on my ovaries that I already new I had. They also decided that do to some other issues the surgery could no longer be done vaginally. I was a little bummed. Basically that means an operation similar to a c-section. So recovery is going to take much longer than I hope. Ken and I are still coming to terms with the recovers time but we will survive I hope. After all this we went on to my next appointment the results of the CT scan. Where we found out that I must have had a virus a while back and it played havoc on my liver and all should be fine I just need to do blood work again in a few weeks to check on it. But she said the they found some spots on both of my lungs and wanted to do a CT scan of my chest and to come back at 7pm. At this point I was emotionally done and I felt extremely overwhelmed. Ken and I just could not believe what was going on. It was almost funny.  We went back that night and they did the CT scan of my chest and then we had to wait again. Then on that Wednesday my O.B.'s office called and said I need to come in the Wednesday before my surgery to do blood work and have an EKG done. Great more things to do. I was starting to freak out because we still did not have the CT results. Then my doctor finally called me about the lung CT scan and said they think it is scaring from when I had pneumonia really bad as a child. They want to do a biopsy and redo the CT scan in 6 months! Relief finally. I can live with scaring not a problem. I finally felt some weight lifted and started focusing on getting ready for my surgery that was coming much sooner than expected.
Yes this all happened in a matter of less than 2 weeks. A crazy emotional ride. I am still not really processing any of it yet. I am not attached to my uterus at all its done its job to healthy beautiful kids what else could i ask for. yes I am only 34 but its better than waiting a few year and then have cancer all over my body. This is much easier to deal with and handle now while I am young. I will not feel less like a WOMEN! What does that mean anyway? My whole life from teenage years until now its done nothing but cause problems and a lot of pain! I am happy to see it go. I am a little concerned if they have to take my ovaries though. I am quite young to be on all hormones for the rest of my life and I know that they can cause breast cancer. But we will deal with that if it happens.
Out of all of this the one thing I keep thinking about and worrying about is Michael. This will have the biggest impact on him. I will not be able to pick him up for almost 4 weeks! He is already so frustrated and mad a lot of the time I am afraid this may make it 10 times worse for him. Yes Ken or someone will be around to help take care of him but I don't think Ken or anyone else knows how bad and how much energy I put in for Michael each day let alone each hour. I also know that it will be impossible for me not to help. Everyone keeps saying that it will be good for him and maybe it will but I still feel extremely uneasy about everything for Michael. the only other person besides me that has seen Michael at his worse and has dealt with him is my grandmother. She is worried to because she told me just last night "on his bad days it day really bad who is going to want to watch him?" I wish she was 20 years younger so she could! I know Michael can get through this but we have worked so hard to get to the place we are right now and I would hate for him to regress after all that hard work HE put in. I know Kaylee will be fine. She can do almost everything for herself and she understands whats going on. She is my resilient little girl who can adapt to anything. Ken is a wonderful father and loves his kids I just hope this experience will help him love on his children even more and not be a an overwhelming one.