Grief support group week 2 and 3 and updates on the family.

Sophie:

So I have been going back to the grief support group and proud of myself for doing so. It has been a little over whelming but also has brought me some relief as well. This is the first time that I have ever been in a support group with people that I know and also know my family and at first I was not sure if I should be a part of the group because of that but I have stuck it out and have shared things that I have only ever told my therapist and that part of share things to people I know has been the hardest but also the most liberating thing I have ever done. The group has been extremely supportive and have been patient with how hard this is on me and the fact that I am not good at explaining my emotions at all. It has brought up some emotions and I know that I have been extra short with Ken because talking about this always makes me edgy. But he never complains just checks in with me every now and then. Next week we focus on Spirituality and I know right now that this one is going to be a hard one on me.

The group has also mad me realize how much anger and hurt I still have towards my family and even my parents even though they are dead. My whole life I told myself I am so lucky because it could have been a lot worse but I am slowly learning that it a way I avoid having to deal with or even think about what happened. My mom played a victim and the poor me rule as long as I can remember and I never wanted to do that. I never wanted any attention. I still have a hard time with that. I am also realizing at how much I miss them. I am not sure if it is them that I miss or the fact that I missed having any parents at all. I have always just taken care of anything that I need to do no problem I just did it but now at the age of 35 I wish I had a parent to call on. I am learning that a child's relationship with a parent or caregiver in really important and do to my situation growing up neither Lewis or I have someone we can call on, we have no safety net other than each other and that is not the same and what is even harder is that I feel we are both going through a hard time in life and we can't even give support to each other. I guess that is when we turn everything over to God and have faith! God's grace is amazing and I feel it daily and thankful that it is there but still my heart is telling me one thing and head is running a non stop script in my head about the other stuff. I guess that is why this whole month has been a hard one emotionally. I have felt really sad and lonely yet I am so happy to be around Ken and the kids. With Michael's therapies I don't get out of the house as much as I want. I have also tried to get in contact with a few friends with no luck. So I guess it all adds up and my brain wont shut off.

This week I had a lot of kids in my house and I loved it. With it being the first week of school a lot of kids only go half days and get out between 12:00pm and 1:00pm. At one point each day I had 7 to 8 kids in my house all the same age! I LOVED IT!! I always wanted to have a lot of kids but that is not happening now so it was nice to have it while it lasted! I was tired and in bed at 8:30 every night but it was so much fun and I loved hearing all the laughing, playing and yes even the fighting was cute. But it was a lot for Michael and it has had a few side-affects on his sleep. Up at least 3 times a night and really grumpy and clingy to me during the day. So maybe it is good that we can not have anymore kids! I can still dream about what it would have been like though and I would have loved it. Michael would have adjusted over time! (I am not sure Ken would though) LOL

I am excited about Labor Day because we will have people over and do a BBQ and the kids can play in the water. I try to have something that I can look forward too. I need to get better about planning one thing very week so I have things to look forward

Kaylee:

Kaylee started Kindergarten and is loving it! Her teacher is amazing which is good. It is so hard for me to think of her as a kindergartner! School has only been in for a week but so far she can't wait to get there and always wants to leave early! We had back to school night and got some more info which helped us understand how they do things. 

Kaylee also lost her first tooth on Wednesday! I could not believe that it fell out. But she was so happy plus the tooth fairy came in the middle of the night!! Michael keeps asking about his teeth. I guess he wants to loss his tooth just like his big sister. She has a dentist appointment on August 31st and she can't wait to show them! 

Kaylee's Birthday is on Tuesday and she will be 5 years old!! She can't wait. I have had a hard time getting a party together for her. For some reason I am just having a hard time this year. Plus last Sunday my Aunt said some pretty hurtful things to Kaylee and I! I am still trying to process it all and figure out how to handle it all. My heart is full of sadness for Kaylee as she does not understand all the stuff that goes on in a family she just loves everyone endlessly. But this time it affected her greatly. So possessing time is needed for me to decide on what to do next. I canceled a tea party that I was going to have for the adults in her life because of all of this so to make up for that we are going to take Kaylee to her FAVORITE restaurant on her birthday!

Michael:

Michael's behaviors have gotten a lot more intense the past month and it is stressing me out a little. We meet with his ABA team and they have noticed it as well. I asked if it could be his age and some of it is probably age but most of it is sensory and  him getting overly stimulated and not knowing how to tell us or dealing with it himself. He is only 2 almost 3. He has about 3 to 4 melt downs a day and they last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes a few have lasted hours! On top of that he has the usual temper tantrums that very 3 year old has. It is just so tiring. I need a break from him.

On the plus side Michael language is improving DAILY! He is talking clear and using more and more words. I am so thankful that communication is possible now. He also has a visual schedule that we use and that seems to help a lot with transitions. The one thing I am not good at but need to improve is prep him for things. I mean start about 30 minutes before we leave the house or get Kaylee from school. I need to tell him details of what the process will be. Example: "Michael we are going to get Kaylee from School. You will be in the stroller." (because he thinks that he gets to WALK) "so we are going to get our shoes on in 5 minutes!" And do this a few time so he knows the transition process. I have learned that some of his melt downs come from frustration of not understanding what is happening or what is expected of him. So I do my best to prep and explain both visually and verbally.

Ken:

Ken has been at Costco a year September 1st! He loves it. They asked him about being supervisor and I think he wants the position but we will see. I just happy that he loves his job and has a set schedule every week. The raises are good the personal time is great and he loves how he is treated. It is been so nice to see him happy with work. We also get to see each other a lot more too!

Last 2 weeks and a Hysterectomy (my be T.M.I. for some people)

Almost 3 weeks ago I went in to the both my medical doctor and my OB. I saw my medical doctor for some GI issues I was having so she decided to run some blood work. I was fine with that and went on to my next appointment my O.B. for my regular check up. I take hormones so I go in very 6 months to check in. While there she decided to do a biopsy of my uterus and cervix. I had no idea they could do those in the doctors office but they can and I was extremely supersized that it don't hurt as bad as other things they have done to me. Not thinking much about it I went on with my day. The next morning my doctor called first thing saying there was something up with my liver and they wanted to do a CT scan! So I scheduled it for Friday Ken's next day off and to discuses the results on Monday the 14th in her office. A little concerned but thinking it was not that serious. Then late Wednesday afternoon my OB called and said she wanted to set up an appointment to come in as soon as possible to do some blood work and then talk with her. So I made an appointment on Friday a few hours before my CT scan. Again I was not that worried I figured it was something to do with my hormones or something weird like early menopause or I think you need a D.N.C again.  Well Friday came and I went to talk with my O.B. and well it was something to be worried about. They found pre-cancerous cell in both my cervix and uterus. http://wellescent.com/health_blog/do_i_have_cancer_or_not_and_the_precancerous_cop_out
She was also worried about the amount and length of my last period which I still have that started back in late December! She said we recommend a hysterectomy soon! So I meet the surgeon (who is a year younger than me by the way) right away. She examined me and looked over everything and said we can do this Monday! My mouth dropped to the floor and I said no way. I explained that I needed to find child care and help. So she scheduled it for March 25th 2 weeks away exactly. She also scheduled an ultrasound to do on Monday the 14th since I already had an appointment that day. I had to stop taking my hormones and other medications right away. Which has caused to worse cramps you could ever imagine! Ken and I were still kinda in shock when Monday rolled around. We had a friend to stay with the kids and Ken and I headed back to Kaiser. We did the ultrasound first where they found cysts on my ovaries that I already new I had. They also decided that do to some other issues the surgery could no longer be done vaginally. I was a little bummed. Basically that means an operation similar to a c-section. So recovery is going to take much longer than I hope. Ken and I are still coming to terms with the recovers time but we will survive I hope. After all this we went on to my next appointment the results of the CT scan. Where we found out that I must have had a virus a while back and it played havoc on my liver and all should be fine I just need to do blood work again in a few weeks to check on it. But she said the they found some spots on both of my lungs and wanted to do a CT scan of my chest and to come back at 7pm. At this point I was emotionally done and I felt extremely overwhelmed. Ken and I just could not believe what was going on. It was almost funny.  We went back that night and they did the CT scan of my chest and then we had to wait again. Then on that Wednesday my O.B.'s office called and said I need to come in the Wednesday before my surgery to do blood work and have an EKG done. Great more things to do. I was starting to freak out because we still did not have the CT results. Then my doctor finally called me about the lung CT scan and said they think it is scaring from when I had pneumonia really bad as a child. They want to do a biopsy and redo the CT scan in 6 months! Relief finally. I can live with scaring not a problem. I finally felt some weight lifted and started focusing on getting ready for my surgery that was coming much sooner than expected.
Yes this all happened in a matter of less than 2 weeks. A crazy emotional ride. I am still not really processing any of it yet. I am not attached to my uterus at all its done its job to healthy beautiful kids what else could i ask for. yes I am only 34 but its better than waiting a few year and then have cancer all over my body. This is much easier to deal with and handle now while I am young. I will not feel less like a WOMEN! What does that mean anyway? My whole life from teenage years until now its done nothing but cause problems and a lot of pain! I am happy to see it go. I am a little concerned if they have to take my ovaries though. I am quite young to be on all hormones for the rest of my life and I know that they can cause breast cancer. But we will deal with that if it happens.
Out of all of this the one thing I keep thinking about and worrying about is Michael. This will have the biggest impact on him. I will not be able to pick him up for almost 4 weeks! He is already so frustrated and mad a lot of the time I am afraid this may make it 10 times worse for him. Yes Ken or someone will be around to help take care of him but I don't think Ken or anyone else knows how bad and how much energy I put in for Michael each day let alone each hour. I also know that it will be impossible for me not to help. Everyone keeps saying that it will be good for him and maybe it will but I still feel extremely uneasy about everything for Michael. the only other person besides me that has seen Michael at his worse and has dealt with him is my grandmother. She is worried to because she told me just last night "on his bad days it day really bad who is going to want to watch him?" I wish she was 20 years younger so she could! I know Michael can get through this but we have worked so hard to get to the place we are right now and I would hate for him to regress after all that hard work HE put in. I know Kaylee will be fine. She can do almost everything for herself and she understands whats going on. She is my resilient little girl who can adapt to anything. Ken is a wonderful father and loves his kids I just hope this experience will help him love on his children even more and not be a an overwhelming one.