My Review/Interview for 2016

This interview was hard and I did my best to answer as honest as possible. 

Your 2016

1. What one event, big or small, are you going to tell your grandchildren about?

              I think that the election was one of the most important worldwide events of the year. I think I               will also want to tell them about all the stuff Kaylee and Michael got to do with their great-                 grandmother.

2. If you had to describe your 2016 in 3 words, what would they be?

              Surprising, Challenging and Educational!

3. What new things did you discover about yourself?

              I can handle life and function on very little sleep. I was also surprised at how much my body               could take physically without braking. After my hysterectomy, I felt like I/my body was                       running on fumes for months but I could keep going. I also discovered that I am very                           negative person.

3.What single achievement are you most proud of?

              There are 2 that I am equally proud of 1. We paid off all our debt except for my surgery! 2. I               never stopped fighting to get Michael all the help I thought he needed!

4. What was the best news you received?

              That grandma was going to make a full recovery after her hospital stay this last time.  I was                sure that she had a stroke or something terminal but it was just a reaction to medication. I was              relieved because I am still not ready to lose her yet!

 

5. What was your favorite place that you visited in 2016?

              The Snow (Tahoe) and then Disneyland with the Kaylee and Michael! Seeing Kaylee enjoy                 and explore every new little thing is so amazing for me. Plus she is so grateful for it. To her                  it is almost magical and I love watching that over and over again!

6. Which of your personal qualities turned out to be the most helpful this year?

              Organization! I don’t think we would have made it through this year if I had not been so                       organized with everything. Between Money, Appointments and School I had a lot to plan out               and work through.

7. Who was your number one go-to person that you could always rely on?

              I had 2 Grandma and Michelle. They both have helped me more than I ever had expected                     and I appreciate it more than I could ever let them know.

Grandma:

              If I am having a hard day with the kids I just pack them up and we head over and then I am not alone with them. I can put Michael down for a nap at her house and go shopping or do anything until he wakes up. If we are low on money or food I can go there make dinner with any food she has no questions asked. She listens to me complain about almost anything and wont tell me how to fix it.

Michelle:

              I have known Michelle longer than any of my other friends and she has helped me stay calm with all the things I am doing for Michael. She has stayed in my corner the whole inter time. She helps me with my kids even when it makes it harder on herself.  She is amazing.

8. Which new skills did you learn?

              Computer and cell phone technology. I am learning a lot about new apps and programs. I am               getting good at using all the Google stuff and excel too. I can send group emails and I have                 saved a lot of photos on google photo. I still need to learn a lot more so I am going to take a                 few computer classes next year.

9. What, or who, are you most thankful for?

              My kids and Ken! This year has been the hardest by far and he never gave up on us and                       stuck around to help me through it.

10. If someone wrote a book about your life in 2016, what kind of genre would it be? A comedy, love story, drama, film noir or something else?

              DRAMA so much emotional stuff happened this year. Most of the major events were                           stressful and intense. 

11. What was the most important lesson you learnt in 2016?

              To hold my tongue: To keep my thoughts to myself and to encourage people rather than to                   judge them.

12. Which mental block(s) did you overcome?

1.       Expecting people to change.

2.       Thinking of myself as a frailer (I am still working on this one).

3.       My parents

13. What 5 people did you most enjoy spending time with?

              Kenneth, Kaylee, Michael, Payton and Isaac! I am so lucky to have these kids and ken in my               life. I am learning so much from all of them. I love making new memories with them.

14. What was your biggest break-through moment career-wise?

              I am the mother to 2 great kids and it is my job to help them grow and develop into                            themselves. I am the one who gets to influence them and guide them. I get to kiss the boo-boos            and wipe tears away. I get to be THERE!

15. How did your relationship to your family evolve?

              A lot has change over the past year. I have learned to set better boundaries with everyone. I                have accepted the way the relationships have been defined in my family when it comes to my              children and because of this I have learned that we have so many more people in our family.               Two of which are Jean and Sally who attend our church. They have been amazing to us and                  the kids love them to pieces!

16. What book or movie affected your life in a profound way?

BOOKS:

https://smile.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483133062&sr=1-6&keywords=uncovering+happiness

and 

https://smile.amazon.com/Bodily-Harm-Breakthrough-Healing-Self-Injurers/dp/0786885041/ref=pd_sim_14_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=6MR3Q6790RX61JEFX2V2

MOVIES:

Nothing really moved that much this year.  

17. What was your favorite compliment that you received this year?

               People telling me that I am a good mother and nothing like my mom. I am always                                comparing myself to my mother and I feel like I am turning out to be just like her. I helps to                 hear that I am different than her.

             

18. What little things did you most enjoy during your day-to-day life?

              I LOVE bedtime with the kids. I love putting them into their pj’s and putting them down. I                   start with Michael. His song is Kumbaya and Amazing Grace. We sing he eats his bottle and               I rock him for about 5 minutes. Then its Kaylee’s turn. Her songs are You are my sunshine                  and Hush little baby. We read a book pray together and I sing to her. I lay down with her until              she falls asleep maybe 5 minutes. I know that this time won’t last forever so I enjoy it for as                 long as they will let me do it.

19. What cool things did you create this year?

                I really did not have time to be crafty this year. 

20. What was your most common mental state this year (e.g. excited, curious, stressed)?

              Stressed out to my limits and afraid. I still am Afraid. I have a hard time sharing/letting go of               my fears or just turning my fears to God, instead I hold them inside. I try to ignore what I am               afraid of or try and deny them.

21. Was there anything you did for the very first time in your life this year?

 #1 traveling with 2 kids. I was so worried but it went much better than I expected. We went to            the snow and Disneyland. Getting an Autism diagnoses for my son and all that went along                   with that. 

22. What was your favorite moment spent with your friends?

              There are to many to pick from but the few that stand out are Kaylee's birthday, craft day and               tea parties with Jean and Sally.

23. What major goal did you lay the foundations for?

               To try and stay positive and to go back to school and finish!

               

24. Which worries turned out to be completely unnecessary?

               Kaylee's growth. She is growing but it is just super slow.

25. What experience would you love to do all over again?

                Disneyland with the kids!              

26. What was the best gift you received?

              1. After my surgery I had to take time off work as well did Ken and church took a collection                for money and gave it to us. That money helped us get by why I  recovered. 

               2. My MOPS friends brought us meals and supported me a lot.

27. How did your overall outlook on life evolve?

                Things got pretty bad for me emotionally after me surgery and all the health problems that I                am having I could not handle it so I went back to therapy and it has been the best thing I                  could have done for myself.  I never knew how much my childhood would affect my parenting              or even how I interact with my children. Abuse affects us all differently I knew that and I                     thought I had dealt with it but with the death of both parents and having kids has changed                      things a lot for me. So I still have a lot to work on.

28. What was the biggest problem you solved?

              I think it would be getting services from Kaiser for Michael. 

29. What was the funniest moment of your year, one that still makes it hard not to burst out laughing when you think about it?

30. What purchase turned out to be the best decision ever?

              Getting a kindle for Kaylee! She loves it and has learned so much from using it.

31. What one thing would you do differently and why?

             

32. What do you deserve a pat on the back for?

              All the progress Michael has made in the past year! He is saying words and pointing! He is                doing first and then. I have stuck with him all the way.

33. What activities made you lose track of time?

              Soda crush on my phone and cleaning the house.

34. What did you think about more than anything else?

   Michael stuff and my future.

35. What topics did you most enjoy learning about?

               Positive thinking and sensory play.

             

36. What new habits did you cultivate?

              Most of the HABITS we cultivated this year was making new family traditions for the kids.                 We have popcorn (Family nights) on Sundays with the whole extended family. We have now              added a movie night once a week where we watch a movie and have a picnic on the floor in                 the Living-room. Also, we started date night with Kaylee every 2 weeks one of us takes                        Kaylee out and does something special with her.

37. What advice would you give your early-2016 self if you could?

              Relax and enjoy life a little more.

38. Did any parts of your-self or your life do a complete 180 this year?

              Yes

39. What or who had the biggest positive impact on your life this year?

              Once again it is my kids. I have learned so much from this year.

Your New Year 2017:

What do you want the overarching theme for your 2017 to be?

              Improving myself and staying positive

What do you want to see, discover, explore?

              I want to go back to school.

Who do you want to spend more time with in 2017?

              Reading! Reading for myself. Reading with my children. Reading to keep up on current                       events and learn about new things.

What skills do you want to learn, improve or master?

              I want to learn a few new recipes to make either in the crock-pot or pressure cooker. I want                 to cook healthier meals at home.

Which personal quality do you want to develop or strengthen?

              My patients with the kids. 

What do you want your everyday life to be like?

              I want to be able to turn the stress into fun times.

Which habits do you want to change, cultivate or get rid of?

              1. Cooking healthier meals for the family. 

              2. Learning how to over coming self-harm. 

              3. Using positive words all the time

What do you want to achieve career-wise?

              I am going to go back to school.

How do you want to remember the year 2017 when you look back on it 10/20/50 years from now?

              The year I was committed to staying positive and started to change my thinking.

What is your number one goal for 2017?

              To move closer to grandmas. 

Mostly Complaining

Totally negative post. This month has not been my favorite. I know most of it is stress and depression but I just can not seem to snap out of it as I had hoped. I feel like I am complain and negative all the time. So much stuff has come up this month that has left me feeling alone and confused.
First off I have had some health issues come up that I was completely unprepared for. It all started off with a stomach ache right after Thanksgiving and got a lot bigger than I ever thought possible. I feel as though my body is giving up on me just when I need to be on the top of everything most of all for my kids. Ever since my hysterectomy I have been dealing with one issue after the other. I have learned over the past 6 months that I have a very hard time talking about my health or even admitting there may be an issue. My therapist thinks that my body is trying to tell me something! I wish I knew what it was saying already.

Second right after all these health issues started I received an e-mail from my church stating the following:
Hi Sophie and Ken, 

Every year the council has the duty to review our membership roles and update them according to who has 

maintained their membership status according to our governing documents. Our bylaws state: 

C8.05.01 For purposes of membership roll maintenance, any member who during the

current calendar year and the two previous calendar years has made no contribution of record, nor has been recorded as communing or attending a worship service, shall be considered inactive. 

In our preparation for this year's review, we noted that one or more of these requirements was not met by you this year. This may not mean that your membership status is in jeopardy just yet. We wanted to be sure that you're aware of this and that we can help you fulfill your membership commitments if you wish to retain your voting member status. 

I have grown up in this church my whole family has gone to this church for almost 50 years and they sent me and e-mail. I am in church almost every Sunday and there during the week as well and no on thought it talk to me about this before sending an e-mail. First off it was a clerical error that should have been check on first and if someone had talked to me they would have found that out. I take my membership very seriously and also would never be a member of a church that requires "contribution of record". I should mention that I have never seen the church counsel enforce this  and was under the impression that it was either or not both! I have only ever seen people lose/remove membership for inactivity. I tried talking to Pastor and the council president about it and felt that I was not heard either time. I totally understand the business/money side of the whole thing I just feel that it should have been handled in person. I know it might seem stupid but I am really considering looking for a new church home and what sucks the most is it is Christmas and this hole thing is just to emotional for me to handle.

Lastly being a mom is all that I ever wanted but I am starting to think I am not going to be as good at it as I have hoped I would be. I am stuck at home Monday through Friday for Michael's ABA therapy from 8:00am until 12:30pm then Kaylee goes to school from 12:30pm to 3:30pm and Michael takes a nap from 1:00pm to about 3:00pm. So I never get out of the house anymore I never get to see other adults except on weekends. Ken is working all the time so I am alone with the kids all day every. Don't get me wrong we have fun and the kids are the best thing that ever happened to me but I need to be around other people. I feel like I don't know how to have a conversation anymore. I have nothing to talk about I have one clue about current events happening day to day. I feel detached from the world. This is not got for my depression or anxiety. I knew being a mom meant self-sacrifice but this so much harder than what I had ever imagined. I have been fighting and pushing for all this help for Michael and now we have it and I feel trapped. I keep trying to focus on the long term. In one year life will be 100% different from right now and that this will not go on forever. Now if I could just find a way to keep Michael healthy for 12 months. LOL

I am really trying to get into the Christmas spirit. Kaylee is so excited about everything. She loves all the decorations and all the lights every where. I love hearing her sing all the Christmas songs and asking so many question about the meaning of Christmas. Next year I am hoping that Michael will understand what is going on as well. Grandma has been a life saver! I would truly be lost without her. I don't know what I would do if I could not call her or go there with my crazy kids weekly and sit on her couch and cry about Michael's behavior or after a week of Michael not sleeping at night stay there during day sleep/nap while she watches the kids. I feel bad that she is the main person I rely on most of the time. She is 92 and handles it all so much better than I do.

A few random updates

These last few months have flown by. So much has been happening for all of us. So here is a run down on all that has been going on since October. Michael is 2 now! Plus Christmas in 19 days!

This is an amazing photo and I am so happy that we took it. Grandma has been a life saver these last few month for the whole family. I never imagined how much joy and love I would feel with her being in my kids lives. My heart truly overflows every time I see them together. I don't know how grandma has done it. With all that has happened throughout her life time she keeps going.

Ken is now a FULL-TIME employee at Costco with a SET SCHEDULE but has routing days off. He had his 90 day review and they are very happy with everything he has been doing. These last 3 months have been really hard on us with him working between 60 and 80 hours a week but it has been worth it! In January Ken is either going to quit CVS all together or transfer back to Foxworthy and only work 2 days a week. We are waiting to see if they will approve the transfer. All in all Ken is so happy with Costco his mood has improved so much and he feels like he is part of a team. He took an almost $5 pay cut though. So money is going to be really tight if he leaves CVS all together so please pray with us that they will okay his transfer.

We had our 1st review with Kaylee's teacher as well and learned that Kaylee is doing great with her school work and is the very very active and social. The only thing they are really working on is sitting calmly during circle time! LOL that is never going to happen. She goes M-F from noon to 3:30pm. The best part is Kaylee wants to go to school everyday. A month back she was sick and cried and cried when i would not let her go for 2 days. She is also finally out of 24 month clothes and can wear all 2t pants and 2t or 3t shirts! I am glad that she is growing. Kaylee also loves christmas. She decorated our tree, her room and Michael's room. We are doing the new advent calendar this year acts of kindness. Each day we do a kind thing for someone. She is amazing. I don't know how much she understands but her heart is amazing. The other day we were leaving a store and there was a man (i assume he was homeless) in a wheelchair asking for help. She asked about him. She thought for a minute and asked if we could give him some of out stuff. So she gave him a bag of goldfish and some capri-sun drinks. But the best part was she went and talk to him as if she had known him forever and wished him a Merry Christmas as we walked away. I hope that she never losses that. In her mind everyone deserves kindness no matter what.

Michael has been making great strides in talking these last few months! He has more and more words but the best part is that he sings songs all the time! His new favorite is Rain Rain go away..... He is going to finally start OT in January. I have been trying to figure that out for almost a year now. He is currently on antibiotics yet again for an infection and we are planning to have more tubes, his adenoids remove and biopsies all done at the same time in January. But slowly we are starting to see changes. ABA has been hard on all of us not just Michael. ABA is very day from 9 to noon and the 2 times a week in the afternoons 2.5 hours for a total of 20 hours a week, he has speech 2x a week and early intervention therapy 1x a week. The if you through in his doctors appointments and feeding therapies I spend a lot of time just dealing with him. But it has been so worth it. He has been making so much progress and I am learning how to parent him differently which makes us both more happy. He still gets in his moods and sometimes I can not figure out what he wants/needs but we are working on it.

As for me I am counting the days until Ken is just working one job. I am tired of doing all the parenting! He is gone in the morning when they wake up and he is gone for dinner time and bedtime. It has been hard. I just want to have ken around again to hang out with. I miss him and the fun we have. I have been trying to plan stuff to look forward to each week but its hard with 2 small kids. I am alone a like more than I like to be. I have been also having a hard time with my parents not being around which makes me really miss my grandpa Guetchow a lot. I have been dreaming about my mom a lot the last few months and the have not been the best of dreams which is even harder. I don't think i will never understand how the mind works. So for now I just push forward.

I am hopeful that 2017 will be much better that 2016 but still Ken and I have some big decisions to make in the next few weeks 2017 and I am nervous because as always my kid well being are the most important in my mind. As for now I pray a lot about everything and know that God is really the one with the plan not me. I am never truly understand his plan but knowing that it is there is some what comforting.

October is almost over!

This month is finally over! It has been a long one. Michael has been sick a lot and also started ABA therapy (25 hours a week), Ken has been working 2 jobs (almost 70 hours a week), I am have been dealing with my own health issues as well and we also had to some unexpected car issues (470 $ worth). I have also been reminded of how lucky I am to have so many people that love and care for my kids. With all that has gone on this month I have had to have lots of help for loads of people many of them are not related to me by blood but I consider to be part of my family. It fills my heart with such joy when I see my kids with all those amazing people that have welcomed them into their hearts. We also took some family photos with Grandma that turned out great and I am so happy to have them.

But there were many many good things as well MOST importantly Michael turned 2 years old!

It feels like he has been here a lot longer than 2 years! So much has happened in that amount of time. I am I truly luck to be his mommy. His birthday was perfect and there were so many people around him that love him so much. He is changing so fast and improving so much with his speech. He makes animal sounds now and loves singing. His favorite song is The wheels on the bus. His Favorite book is The truck book. This favorite toy is either a car or a ball and his favorite word is MOMMY!

Kaylee has had a great month at school. She is learning so much and is growing up so fast. Just listening to her talk takes my breath away. It is so hard for me to believe that she is only 4 years old. The one thing that I am so jealous of is how she prays and just talks to God! She says God is inside me and with me forever! She reminds me of it too when I am sad she tells me to talk to God about it!
The best part is that she is asking how to spell everything that she can think of and she is starting to spell things back.

This month/year has been the hardest on Ken and I as well. Ken and I are BEST FRIENDS and this year has gotten in the way. I think that for me the hardest part is that we don't get a chance to hang out and have fun and be ourselves. I think that this month we only got the 2 days in Disneyland to be our old-selves with the kids and I loved every minute of it. this month it has been 17 years since our first day (that is almost a half of a lifetime together). I know that it is just this hard time for what will really turn out to be a short time out of our lifetime together but it is still super hard. I know that we can work through it.

June 2005

2004

December 2000

Michael update

Being a mom is the best thing ever! It is also the hardest thing I have ever done and now with Michael way out of my comfort zone and understanding. Before I had kids I always thought I knew what it would be like and thought I prepared myself for what was to come. I was so not ready for everything that Michael has thrown at us. I still feel very blessed every day to be at home with both of my kids and be the primary person raising them. We have had to make a lot of sacrifices to make that happen but both Ken and I think that it is important for our kids and even more important now that Michael will need a lot more help in his early years than most kids. So all in all it is worth it to be with the kids all the time. 

With all this stuff happening with Michael over the past 2 years I have felt very alone during most of it because almost everyone thought I was pushing to hard to get him help. Then with all his health problems it is overwhelming to me to even think about. I have had to make some very hard decisions for the past 2 years and there are many more to come. 
1. His pediatrician wants to do biopsies of his tummy and intestines to check on a few things but his new GI doctor is blaming all his GI issues on his A.S.D diagnosis (which I have never heard of until he told me)! So I started doing research and now I am not sure who to listen too! I really don't like his GI doctor and really trust his pediatrician but she has not worked with a lot of A.S.D kids. So that is one thing I have to decide on. 
2. His new GI doctor wants me to put him back on all dairy products because he thinks Michael has out grown his protein intolerance. So we tried it Friday and Saturday and the poor kid has had a tummy ache and gas and diarrhea like crazy. Today was the first day he has had no runny poop. So now he wants us to try lactate milk products! 
3. Then a week from Friday he has his O.T. evaluation from Kaiser. It takes about 2 hours and I know that they will denial him which is fine but the San Andreas Regional Center wont provide O.T. for him until they get the denial letter from Kaiser and then after that they will do their own evaluation as well. I hate having him to though all this it wheres him out so fast. 
4. Michael has a very limited diet and I have many people telling me what to do because at 2 years old there is a very good chance they will not continue to cover his formula. I should mention that one can cost 42.00 and he goes through a can every 3 or 4 days! so that is 2 cans a week and 8 cans a month which is more than we can afford. So I am freaking out about that and trying to find stuff he will eat that will make up for the calories and nutrition in his formula. I am taking a class at Parents Helping Parents (a nonprofit for families that help kids with special needs) for S.P.D and eating issues next week on Thursday and I am hoping I will learn a few things. 
5. ABA therapy has started and it is going to take him and the family a long time to adjust to this. Right now we are starting at 15 hours a week but they want to increase it to 25 hours a week in about 2 weeks. I don't think that he will be able to handle that much so I have a meeting scheduled in  Monday the 24th so we will see.

But there have been a few good things in the past few weeks he has been calling me mommy and it is the best thing ever. He knows who I am and that I have a name! It is so good to see him make the connection finally. He now knows 6 body parts: eyes, ears, noise, tummy, feet, and fingers. He can't say them but he knows where they are! We are working on animals now and he seems to really like the noises they make. He is fixated on horses though so I may have to get a few plastic/rubber ones for him to play with. He can moo, baa, neigh, bow wow, and  kinda quack. again I never thought this was going to happen but he is finally getting it.We are slowly starting to use P.E.C. (picture exchange communication) he still does not understand it but I am hoping it will come to him soon. 

Disneyland

So we did it! We took both kids to Disneyland and best of all Kaylee had the time of her life! The drive up took a lot longer than we had planned. Poor little Kaylee got super car sick. It started about 2 hours into our drive and just continued from there. She is now a pro at throwing up in a zip-lock bag though. We stopped to get Dramamine or Benadryl but as most of you know Kaylee is not the normal weight/size of a 4 year old so the pharmacist I talked to suggested that we talk with her pediatrician before giving her anything. Which was a good thing because it turned out she is only suppose to take a 1/3 of a dose. But after it kicked in she was finally stopped throwing up!We made several stops along the way just to give her breaks. One place we stopped was Kettlmen City and they have the best park for the kids to play in.

We ended up checking into our hotel around 6:30pm (3 hours later than we had planned for). Kaylee wanted Jack in the Box for Dinner which was right across the street and then both kids were in bed by 8:30pm! The next morning was so exciting Just to see how happy Kaylee was.

 We got to Disneyland just after they opened and it was not crowed yet. Kaylee was over the moon!! She thinks everything is magical! It was so amazing to watch her run around like crazy and plan our day there!

 Michael on the other hand was not happy about any of it. I am not sure what was getting to him but he was not happy at all 30 seconds after we walk into the park and he never stopped until after we were back home. For me personally that was disappointing because I then had to handle him for most of the trip which meant that I missed out on a lot of stuff that Kaylee did. He did do a lot better if i had him in the carrier but the kid is close to 30lbs. and with all the walking we did he got heavy fast! But we were there for her and all that mattered was she had fun.

Mickey mouse! She asked him if she could tickle his ears!! Michael was so so scared he was shaking.

Princess Kaylee

We finally got the kids these bubble wands and that was the best thing ever for Michael and really helped him calm down. The only down side is they also play music from The Little Mermaid!

Even with Michael having a hard time is was the best trip ever because of Kaylee. The 1st day we were there she said Thank you mommy and daddy over 50 times and she never complained once about a thing even Michael being a pill. I hope she remembers this for a long time. She had already started saving her money for our next trip back. My special silly girl. I hope that she never changes and that she always sees the best/magical in everything and everyone always. I have so much to learn from her.

Doctors

Michael is sick yet again. I knew something was bugging him but not sure what and since we were living on vacation I just took him in to get check out. His pediatrician said everything looked good but wanted to take an x-ray of his stomach just to check to see if he was constipated. We took the x-ray at 4:20pm. Ken and I even argued about if we really needed to do it on the way there. Any ways we took the x-ray and headed to grandmas house not thinking anything. So at 5:20 my phone rang and it was his doctor asking if we were still at Kaiser! I said no we were at dinner and then she hesitated and asked how long it would take us to get to the ER. She explained that it looked like he has a complete blockage and needed to be seen asap. So ken and I headed to the ER and Kaylee stayed with Grandma. (yes I left my 4 year old with a 93 year) When we got to the er they took us straight back and admitted him right away. We saw 3 doctors and they gave him magnesium citrate right away. He hated that and screamed. The did a few more test and said that since he is not in extreme pain that he had either a blockage or an ileus.  They wanted to give him an enema and see if that would get things moving with the Mag. Cit-rate. Well we waited for over an hour nothing happened. So they sent us home and told us to come back first thing. We back that morning still no poop so he was given a second enema and told to come back at 2pm to talk with his doctor. Still no poop by 2pm so his doctor did a rectal and scoop some poop out in hopes of getting things moving. She told me to give him am enema again at 4pm and give him 2 a day on top of Milk of Magnisha 6 times a day. 

So fast forward a day and here we are. He has pooped a small amount 3 times since then mostly water but still he is moving stuff out. We had an x-ray again this morning to see where we are at with what is still in him. He is scheduled to have biopsies done in his intestines and stomach late next week. I am not sure what to think. Helpless is an understatement at this point. I feel like no one is listening to me. This poor kid is going to hate me from holding him down all the time.

it is times like these that I think someone else would be able to help him more than I am able to do. Someone with money who could take him to any doctor they wanted. Money is always the problem. I am really hoping that this new GI doctor will help us. It is our 4th one at Kaiser and the last one at Santa Clara Kaiser after that we have to go to San Francisco Kaiser. Fingers crossed this guy will listen to me.

 

Busy month and getting ready to go on a vacation.

This month is flying bye! So much has been going on with the kids the month is more than half over. I had so many plans for this month since I was only going to be watching Payton one day a week but have only gotten a few things marked off my list. Michael is taking up a lot of my time during the day. He is now afraid of any flying bugs! I mean he is terrified of them. he screams, shakes and even throws up! Just one more thing to deal with. LOL

Last week I had to do some routine monthly blood work and my doctor was not happy with a few things so I had to go in and have an MRI done last Thursday night. She called me yesterday morning and I am going back on some antibiotics and one other medication that is new. Now I know why I am still tired all the time. I really think my body wants hates me! I don't understand why I can not just feel better an get my energy back to normal!! My goal is to feel a lot better by October for our trip.

Kaylee is so happy about going to Disneyland. We are marking days off on her calendar! She is happy. She has been even putting close aside to wear at Disneyland and asked us to help her make a list of people she wants to meet (Disney characters and princesses). It is up to 12 right now! I am so happy that she is looking forward to this. She has put up with a lot since Michael was born and I am glad that we can do something special for her. We paid for the hotel along time ago and my MIL paid for Kaylee's and my ticket to get into the park so now we just need to buy one for Ken and we are set.

I forgot to mention that it looks like Ken got the time off from Costco and CVS so he gets to come along! Now we just have to decide what to do with Michael. We have it set up to leave him behind and have several people helping take care of him. But I am still worried. I worry because either Ken or I have been with him always. I worry because I am really the only person that understands him and for him to be frustrated for 3 days. I really just don't know what to do with him. Disneyland will be overload for him. Ken thinks he will be fine staying behind but still I am unsure of what to do. Grandma has said that everyone can watch Michael at her house as long as someone is with her she is happy to have him there. That makes me feel a little better I guess. I also know that we all will have a much nicer time if we leave him. Ugh I guess I am still going to pray on this and figure out what is best for everyone.

Saying Goodbye to Stacie

Today was a very hard day for me. We had to say goodbye to Michael's therapist from Kidango Stacie. She was the first person who started working with Michael back in October 2015. She helped me and Michael through one of the hardest times in both of our lives. I can not even begin to name the resources and supports she told me about. She went with me to see Michael's pediatrician and several other appointments, she helped fill out endless paperwork and ALWAYS told me I was doing the right thing for Michael and fighting a battle worth fighting for. She helped me appeal for speech therapy when they denied it and was with us when they finally agreed on a diagnosis! She also taught me a lot about Sensory Possessing Disorder and how ti help Michael self regulate. 

She was at our house every week for 2 hours for almost one year. So much good has happened for Michael because of her. But after Michael revived the A.S.D diagnosis she could no longer provide services for him because they assign you to A.B.A therapy.  So our time has now come to an end. I am not sure if Michael will notice and even if he did I am not sure that he would be able to ask / or even tell me. I think that part is the hardest part for me. She was the most important person in getting him all the help that he needed and now has and he wont remember her. But he will have a much better future because of her! That is the most important thing of all. Good byes are always hard and I am sure this is the first of many that are to come for us. 

For now I am truly thankful for her and all that she has done for Michael and our family. 

Kaylee's Birthday and all my mommy fails!

Ugg. today did not go as planned at all. I always try and make the kids birthdays meaningful and special just for them and not just giving them gifts but nothing went as planed for Kaylee today. See my parents mostly my mom did not do the birthday thing for me and made them kinda crappy for me. So I want my kids have one special day just for them where they know that I/We are happy that they are here and celebrate that with them. So when things did not turn out as I had planned I got a little down. Money is really tight and I had to keep things simple but she got to pick the things so we planned stuff last week.

Here is what I/We had Planned for:
1. Birthday Pancakes for Breakfast: Homemade with sprinkles and chocolate chips.
2. Pick up Payton and go to the park of Kaylee's choosing
3. Make a birthday cake and special cookies for her to take to school
4. Sign her up for Gymnastics Class at the willow glen community center
5. Have dinner at McDonald's and after dinner play in the in door play area
6. Watch one show before bed.

Here is what really happened:
1. No time for breakfast do to Michael so she had chocolate milk in the car on the way to pick up Payton.
2. We got to the park and started to play for about 10 minutes until Kaylee peed her pants ( to busy to stop playing to go to the bathroom) so we had to leave and go home.
3. We were unable to make the cake or the cookies because I did not have all the ingredients (mommy fail) so we went to the store and got Oreo's to take to class. No birthday cake at all!
4. There are no more scholarships left for this year at all of the community centers so she is on the waiting list (number 22 so not likely) she cried about this one! second mommy fail.
5. Do to scheduling issues I did not realize that I had Payton longer today so we ended up having dinner at Grandmas house. She cried about this too. third mommy fail
6. We did watch one show before bed and mommy even let her watch two!

I am happy to say that Kaylee was happy with her special day even if I was not. She was thrilled that we have a new kids CD in the car to sing along with and that after dinner at grandmas she got to play with uncle Lewis. This girl is teaching me so much I can't keep up! I love her so much it is crazy.

Job's and trying to make life work out for the best!

Well first off there is no such thing as a part time job anymore. They say part-time but all that really means is they want you to work 40 hours a week and have open availability and not have to give you benefits! I am so frustrated all the places that I put in applications for called me and offered me jobs but with way to many hours required and really not that much money compared to what I was making at Orchard Supply when I left. The hard part is working around Ken's crazy work schedule at CVS! I can only work early morning's or late nights and if I do that and then have the kids until bedtime at 8:00 pm I am never going to sleep! To be honest I am completely scared and I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I also just found out that Michael's ABA therapy is for 15-20 hours a WEEK on top of the Early start! I just wish I could find a solution to everything but for now I have to just take it hour by hour and day by day. I am still hopeful that Ken may find something as well.

Michael is getting harder to handle and I am tired of dealing with him. I know that he does not understand my reaction to things because he always thinks things are funny. I finally broke down today and bought a back/lease for him. He keeps running into the street on me and is so strong and fast he gets away. He got away from me this morning when we were getting into the car and ran straight for the street! Scared me really bad this time.

This past Friday I also got my first comment about how I am parenting him incorrectly and I need to set better/clear boundaries for him! He is a NORMAL child and I am just making excuses for him. I took my kids home and I cried all the way. To be honest I don't know anymore. I am happy to change anything I am doing to make things safe and healthy for Michael and Kaylee. I am also happy to admit that what Ken and I are doing parenting/discipline wise is not working for Michael and I am out of idea's so please if you think you can deal with him day in and day out please feel free to try. He has been working with a therapist for almost a year now to help him and us to fine a way to stay safe and nothing has worked that's way he is finally getting the ABA therapy because the normal stuff was not working! **sorry about the rant I guess I am still a little mad**

The best news is that I found out on Friday that Kaylee got in to preschool 5 days a week 3.5 hours a day. She can't wait for it to start! I am so happy that she will have her own thing everyday and a break from Michael. I really hope she stays this exited about it all year but we will see. I am just happy that she is so happy. Kaylee's birthday is coming up and we are going to have a BBQ at a park near grandmas. Simple easy and just what Kaylee wants. It will be Rainbow themed. Lots of bright colors is what she asked for and water balloons! The kid is easy to please. I am going to try and make a Rainbow Cake wish me luck.

http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/rainbow-layer-cake/4969fed8-141e-45f5-9a04-e03addd20fbb

I know she won't care what it looks like so that's good. I have lots of ideas for simple games and so on. I want to make it a special day just for her.

Last but not least my doctor wants me to find time for me to take care of me. She is worried that I keep putting myself last I won't be able to keep up with everything that happens on a daily bases. I think it's funny I can't even find someone to watch both kids so I can go to my doctors appointments but she thinks I can fine time for me to take sometime for myself! FUNNY my dad always said that "I will sleep when I am dead" and now my brother says that all the time and I am too. My one true goal for my life is to help my children grow in to happy healthy adults and live long enough to see it happen. I am 34 years and if I die at the age my parents did I have already lived over half my life which is really not that much looking at it that way. I hope that I can somehow live as long as grandma has. 92+ years is a lot longer than 66&67 years! I am tried the tiredest I have ever been but I am also happy with all that I have and how blessed that I have 2 wonderful children (which I never thought possible) and a husband how is my best friend! The happiness (and yes the kids) are why I get up every morning and why I try not to complain about how bad I am feeling is because what I have right now is really all I ever wanted or dreamed about. I know I am lucky and will always remember that.

Tired and not sure what to do next

I am not sure if you all know of the battle that I have been fighting for Michael over the past 18 or so months for both mental and physical health care but it has been crazy and today I really feel defeated and it really is not going to hurt Michael if he does not get these therapies that I am fighting for but it would really HELP him for his future. I also feel as everyone close to me (except grandma) thinks I am over doing it and pushing to hard for him and that hurts even more. I really don't know what to think anymore and maybe I am just to deep in it to see what everyone else seems to see and think. This is what I found out today from his EARLY INTERVENTION REVIEW that was today:

1. He has a major speech delay
               Receptive Communication Age Equivalent: 7months
               Expressive Communication Age Equivalent: 11 months
But do to the fact that he has Kaiser Medi-cal they will not offer him speech therapy unless I get a denial Letter stating that Kaiser will not pay for speech therapy which Kaiser wont do because he is Medi-cal and it gets more complicated from there.

2. He should be in Occupational Therapy
                Fine Motor Skills Age Equivalent: 9months
                Adaptive/Self-Help Age Equivalent: 11months
                Cognitive skills:
                                          Attention and Memory Age Equivalent: 7months
                                          Perception and Concepts Age Equivalent: 11months
So again they will not give him O.T. because they need a denial letter for this as well.

Over the past 8 months I have read books and gone to classes to learn and understand how to best help Michael. I have learn some about speech therapy, some about O.T. and a lot about sensory integration and sensory seeking children.  I have been working with Michael daily for 45 minutes in the mornings and 45 minutes in the afternoon. He sees Stacie a FMTI once a week. She has been my best resource in all of this. Together we have learned the best ways to get through to Michael. He also sees his Early intervention therapist once a week. Because of all of this we have seen so much improvement in his langue and his ability to interact with people and children! But there is still a lot more and I don't know how or if I can help him go much further. To be honest I am scared because as far as discipline there is none. He really does not understand NO! He runs away from me more and more and since Tuesday running into the street!!! He can open all doors now so he can get in to anything or get out of the house! We have to move all the locks up high, he can open the frig, reach the stove and open the oven so now the Kitchen is off limits! The bathroom I wont even go there. I feel like nothing is safe for him. He eats/puts in his mouth all non food items but when it comes to feed all most nothing goes in! Our poor cats I am really supersized he has not hurt them yet! They are locked up almost all the time in our bedroom. But most of all I worry about how he is with Kaylee! He is so ruff and physical with her. He pulls her hair, crashes into her, and never gives her a moment to herself unless she locks herself in her room.
I am guessing that some of these behaviors are do to his langue delays but still what do I do? I just don't know anymore. Kaiser did evaluate him and gave him a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder level 1 and I thought that would be all that I needed to get him help but it is not.
Are all the people who think I am over reacting right? Am I just to far into this to see that he is really okay? Maybe I am. He is not even 2 yet! He is at least getting some help and if I keep working with him maybe that is all that he needs. All that I know is I just can't fight anymore and that makes me feel like a really bad mother but I am burnt out and kinda out of options. If we could I would just pay out of pocket and screw all this insurance crap believe me I would! And you want to know the really sad part is that this is just for his mental health and you should hear all the stuff for his physical health! I don't understand why Michael is my child. I am waiting for God to show me the answer to that one.