Triggers in the Workplace

This month has felt like a mirror I didn’t ask to look into. A student in my classroom is walking through storms that feel so familiar to me, and I find myself back in those small shoes, remembering what it felt like to be unseen, unheard, and unprotected. It is both heartbreaking and infuriating to realize that the system — the one I needed as a child — is still broken in many of the same ways forty years later.

Every time I have to speak with their parents, something inside me coils up tight. The minute I hear their voices, I want to scream and run away. My body reacts before I even process the words. And when I see their mother interact with them, it sends shivers down my spine. There’s a tone, a sharpness, an edge that I recognize too well — the kind that doesn’t leave bruises but cuts deep all the same. It’s like watching my own story play out in front of me, and I hate that I know exactly how it feels.

These moments remind me that trauma doesn’t stay neatly packed away in the past. It spills into the present — into workplaces, classrooms, staff meetings, and conversations we’d rather not have. For me, the workplace is a classroom, but my triggers don’t care about the setting. They show up when a parent’s voice echoes the harshness of my own mother’s. They show up when a child’s fear mirrors the fear I carried at that age. They show up when a colleague momentarily loses track of a student of mine, and my heart panics before my mind can catch up.

The day my colleague lost track of a student of mine, I knew they were safe soon after, but my body didn’t know that. It reacted with fear, as if I were back in danger myself. My mind replayed every memory of not being protected. I panicked, not because of the moment itself, but because of the history stitched into me. That’s what triggers do — they collapse time. They take the “then” and drag it into the “now.”

I am not proud of how I reacted that Monday, between the student going through the storms and the other student being misplaced. I was mad, and I let my frustration out at the administration. But when I look closer, I see that it wasn’t really anger at the children or the other teachers — it was anger at the injustice of it all, at the reminder of my own powerlessness as a child. These are the moments when my past and present blur, and I must remind myself: I am the adult now. I am safe. And I can choose differently.

So here is the one truth that pulls me back over and over again: my students have me. They have someone who notices, someone who cares enough to see beyond the surface, someone who knows what it means to sit in that silent pain. I can’t fix the system. I can’t undo anyone’s hurt. But I can show up. I can be safe when the rest of their world feels unsafe.

This is why I became a teacher. To protect as many children as I can. To be the safe adult I once needed. I never want a child to have to suffer alone. I never, ever want a child to believe that they are stupid or lazy. We forget, as teachers, that we, too, play a part in how our students see themselves.

I am grateful for my position at this school, and I see God’s grace in this place on a daily basis. But I also know this about myself: working with adults is hard for me. It’s a growth area I am still learning to navigate, and one I pray for strength in daily. Healing doesn’t make me perfect; it just makes me honest enough to admit where I still stumble.

Promise to Myself and My Students
I will not run from the pain that rises in me when I see their stories mirror my own. Instead, I will stand steady and be the teacher who notices, protects, and believes them. My classroom will always be a place where safety begins, even when the system fails.

The Thoughts That Don’t Mean Goodbye

Chapter: The Thoughts That Don’t Mean Goodbye

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me.”
— Psalm 23:4

There are nights when I am perfectly fine — laughing with my kids, grading papers, maybe even humming while I clean up after dinner — and then, without warning, a thought drifts in.
It’s quiet, almost casual. You could make it stop if you wanted to.

I don’t want to die. I know that in the deepest part of me.
But sometimes, the old pathways in my mind light up like a map of escape routes I once memorized to survive. It isn’t a plan. It isn’t a wish. It’s a whisper left behind by years of pain — a voice that once promised relief when no one else came to help.

Sometimes it happens even when I’m driving — when my mind wanders to a bad memory or a paranoid thought, and before I can catch it, my gut goes straight to the exit plan. Not because I want to act on it, but because my body still remembers what to do when it feels trapped. It’s instinct, not intention — the reflex of someone who once had to think about survival every second of the day.

And sometimes it happens at night, too — when I wake from a nightmare not knowing if it was real or where I am. In those blurry seconds between sleep and waking, my heart races, my body tenses, and I reach for my exit plan before my mind even catches up. That’s what trauma does: it trains you to find safety even when you’re already safe.

These are things I deal with on a daily basis. At first, I thought I was crazy — that maybe my medication wasn’t working, or that I wasn’t trying hard enough. But over the years, I’ve learned that no medication, no drug, no drink, and no distraction could make it stop. Because the trauma doesn’t just live in my mind — it lives in my body. I’ve worked hard on healing my thoughts, but my body holds its own memories. There’s not much I can do to heal it except give it time — time to forget, or maybe time to forgive.

This has helped me understand, in a very real way, how trauma can change DNA. I see it and feel it every day — the tension in my muscles, the way my body braces for things that aren’t happening anymore, the exhaustion that settles in even on peaceful days. Those events aren’t just memories; they’ve been written into who I am, both mentally and physically. My body still carries the story, even when my mind has turned the page.

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The Thoughts That Come Even When You’re Not Suicidal

People often think suicidal thoughts only belong to those standing on the edge, or to those who have nothing left. But for many trauma survivors, they show up like old ghosts — uninvited, but familiar, and sometimes even offering a false sense of safety. They’re not commands demanding to be followed; they’re soft echoes, remnants of old coping mechanisms that once promised control.

Sometimes they surface in exhaustion, when the day has demanded too much. Other times, they sneak in during moments of peace and joy — like the body still checking for danger long after the storm has passed. I’ve found that any strong emotion can set off alarms in my body — the good and the bad. My nervous system doesn’t always know the difference.

When you’ve spent years fighting to survive, your mind learns how to find all the exits you have — just in case. Healing doesn’t erase those exits; it just means you’ve learned why you don’t want to walk through them.

There’s a difference between wanting life to end and wanting pain to stop. And though those two longings can feel dangerously close, they are not the same.

When I was younger, any feeling or emotion meant pain — whether mental or physical. I only wanted the pain to stop, and for my mind to stop spinning. Death was never the goal. I didn’t want my life to end; I wanted the pain to die — for it to be gone and never return.

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Suicide and Self-Harm Are Not the Same

This is something few people talk about honestly.
Suicide seeks to end everything.
Self-harm, for many of us, was what kept us alive — but it was also an attempt to kill the emotional pain so we could stay alive.

It sounds contradictory, but it’s true. When I used to hurt myself, it wasn’t because I wanted to die — it was because I didn’t know how else to stay. The physical pain was something I could name, something I could control, when the emotional pain had no words.

For survivors, self-harm is often a language — the body trying to say what the mouth cannot. But while self-harm can look like a cry for death, it’s most often a cry for help, for release, for something that proves we still exist in the world we’re trying to survive.

For me, all emotions were too much. If I had physical pain to focus on, I didn’t have to feel the emotional ones. I needed pain — it centered me. It gave me something solid to hold onto when everything inside me felt too heavy, too loud, too out of control. In a strange way, it helped me function, even though it was never true healing.

That distinction matters — not to excuse it, but to understand it. When people confuse the two, they respond with fear instead of compassion. And fear closes the door to the very conversation that could save someone’s life.

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The Mind Remembers the Exits

Even in recovery, the mind remembers.
It remembers the late nights when silence felt unbearable, the ways it learned to soothe itself when no one else noticed the pain.
Healing doesn’t erase those memories — it just rewires them, gently, over time.

Now, when the thought comes, I try not to panic. I name it: This is an old voice. It thinks it’s protecting me.
Then I breathe and choose differently. Sometimes that choice looks like texting a friend, sometimes praying, sometimes just lying on the floor until the wave passes. I remind myself that the thought is not the truth — it’s just a visitor from a time when my brain was trying to survive the impossible.

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Learning to Stay

There’s a kind of courage that doesn’t look like heroism.
It looks like staying — even when your mind offers you the map to escape.
It looks like brushing your child’s hair when your heart is heavy.
It looks like showing up to teach, to listen, to love — even when part of you still wonders what peace might feel like on the other side.

These thoughts don’t make me broken. They remind me that I’m human — that healing doesn’t mean the darkness disappears, only that I’ve learned how to walk through it with the lights still on.

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A Reflection

Sometimes I imagine writing a letter to that part of my mind that still checks the exits.
It would say:

Thank you for trying to protect me. But I’m safe now. I have people who see me, children who need me, and a heart that has learned how to stay.

And maybe that’s the truth of healing — not the absence of those thoughts, but the gentle understanding that they no longer hold the power they once did.

I am still here.
Not because the thoughts never come,
but because every time they do — I choose to stay.

Over a year so just a little catch up!

So much has happened in the past 18 months that I really don't know were to began. Both kids are in school now.

Kaylee is in 1st Grade!

Michael is in afternoon Preschool 5 days a week from 12:30 pm to 3:30 pm!

I also started working in August 2018 at the kids school (Anderson Elementary School) and I love it. I am in Intervention and work with small groups from Kinder to Second grade. There are 4 of us working together and we all get along quite well. I am learning so much while teaching. Plus I love all the staff at the school as well.

Ken is still working at Costco and he loves it. The only thing is it is really early in the morning. his shift is 3:00 am to 11:30 am but it works out well for our family. He has been there almost 3 years so it is going by quite fast. 

Depression has been up and down over the past year or so. This Christmas was really hard for me and put in down and out mode for a while. But I am pushing through it the best I can. I think the really hard thing is that grandma has changed. Her memory is not as sharp as it once was and her body has really slowed her down. She was the one person that I had to vent to about almost anything and she would listen and support me or tell me to snap out of it. But that is almost gone. I don't have anyone to brag to about my kids anymore. No one to call up and say Kaylee lost her 7th tooth or Michael now weighs 5 lbs. more than Kaylee. As her short term memory is pretty much gone. Plus now there is no one to be a grandparent and go see them in events at school, recitals or Sports games. Ken and I do our best to support the kids but there is still something special about a grandparent being there.

So to counteract my depression Ken and I have been hosting a game-night once a month and having people over for snacks and games. It gives me something to look forward to and also be around other adults. We also try and go out with friends once a month if we can find a sitter as Ken and I don't really have anyone to help watch the kids and it is like pulling teeth to get either Joann (my mother-in-law) or Janet (my aunt) to watch the kids other than they both do 2 Fridays a month when I work. But even with it scheduled they both are very flaky. Still at least I have someone.

Autism, GI issues, Sleep issues, Speech issues, OT and then there is Michael

This month it has been 3 years since Michael has started therapies. In the last year we have seen so much growth in all his abilities! He is turning into a very goofy little dude! I love his facial expression and how he loves to interact with people. He has come a long way and there is so much to be thankful for. I have talked with a lot of other parents at A is for Apple and we have been so lucky in many different ways.

3 days old

3 1/2 years old

1. We have a wonderful pediatrician that listens to Ken and I and supports us in all of our concerns. She helped us get on W.I.C. when we could not pay for his special formula and our insurance would not pay for it. She put in referrals for both Kidango and S.A.R.C(San Andreas Regional Center).

2. Thank God for Kidango!!! They have helped us the most! We started working with Kidango in May of 2015 with a social-worker named Stacie. She helped me get Michael into Speech, OT, Feeding therapy and to get the Autism diagnosis. This past year they have started working with Kaylee to help her work through her emotions (anxiety) and all dealing with Michael. Ken and I are also taking a in-depth parenting course with them that I really like called Circle of Security. We are working with the same social worker that we had when Michael was a baby Stacie and I really like her and since Kaylee already knows her its a big plus.

3. We only have to go to one play for Speech, ABA, and OT and it is less than a mile from our house. So many of the families drive for 30 minutes to an hour to therapies for their kids and have to go through many companies to find the right fit.

4. Our ABA team is amazing! The techs we have 3 right now that work with Michael at different times. Tia is on Mon, Wed, Fri from 9am-noon and is at the Social skills center with Michael. Crystal is on Tues/Thur from 8am-10am at our house. Then lastly we have Maria on Tues/Thur from 3:30pm-5:30pm at the Social skills center. Our clinical director Brian listens to us and helps us guide Michael in the right direction.

5. Speech therapy has helped Michael so much. His current therapist is also helping with his drooling. Michael does a lot of scripting and echoing. We are working on social language and working on audio processing.

6. He got into preschool with our school district! This is an amazing thing because it is a special day class that helps him on social skills in the classroom to get him ready for TK! We also have a very good school district when it comes to special needs. He also got into summer school for the summer.

7. He is eating solid food so much better. He is eating so much more foods and will also try new foods! This is thanks to an amazing OT feeding therapist at Kaiser and her ideas and suggestions.

All of this has been a lot of work but has been so much help for Michael and the rest of us. I can not imagine what our lives would be like right now with out all of this help! Michael has come so far and I am so prod to be his mom. We still have a lot to work on but when I look back over the last few years I see how much has changed for the better.

Ken and I are also becoming stronger/healthier partners through all of this. It was really hard on us in the beginning after Michael was born for about 18 months then Ken and I went for a few counseling sessions and it help us and now with parenting course I feel like we are going to be able to support our kids in a healthy way.

Things that we are still working on :

1. GI issues. They poor kids tummy is crazy. No clue really as to what bugs it. pooping is hard for him and freaks him out. It may be a sensory thing as well not sure. It is just a daily issues that we deal with as needed.

2. Sleeping is hard for Michael. He sleep walks and wake a lot in the night.

3. Potty training

Work, Health, Family

Well I have decided to quit working at nights. It was really hard on Michael which made it even harder on me. My last day was this week. I am going to keep looking for a better fit for us. I am hoping to get in at the kids school for next year as an aid, cafeteria or yard-duty. I am also looking into privet duty home heath care aid. I have my license so that would work too. But we will see. For now it will be tight but okay.

Health stuff sucks. I have been dealing with it the best I can with 2 kids and a so on. I now have a Bartholin's cysts which is being removed and if you don't know where the Bartholin's glad is you are better off not knowing. Lets just say painful and not fun. I glad it is over. Just waiting for blood work to get back in a few days. I also started a new medication and I am hoping it will give me less side-affects than others that I have tried. I am tired all the time and I need to start walking or something but it is so hard to want to do stuff when you don't feel well. At first I was worried my depression was coming back and went back to see my psychiatrist but she thinks I am doing okay, actually much better than before. So we are not going to change anything but I am going to go back into therapy for 6 months or so until they get all my health stuff under control. I am also going to start doing yoga with Kaylee daily. I am hoping that it will help us both.

Ken really really likes Costco. He works really early morning either 3:00 am or 4:00 am but is home by 12:00 pm or 1:00 pm every day. It is so nice that he can help me with the kids in the afternoon and I also get some quiet time in the morning when everyone is gone. During that time I am slowly working on cleaning stuff out. I have been working on kitchen for a while now and then Michael's room and then our room. I am doing my best to get rid of junk or stuff we have not used in years. We have lived here almost 9 years!!

I am planning on have a yard sale in May and June to help cover our trip in June to Lego-land. I asked my in-laws to buy the kids passes for birthday gifts and they said yes! So that leaves just Ken and I that have to get passes.! We are renting a house with a second family so there will be a kitchen and we can make a lot of our own food. The kids are looking forward to the trip. Kaylee can hardly wait to go. I put it on her calendar and she is marking of the days. I am so happy that we can make this work. She is going to have a blast.

Michael has been doing really well behavior wise until this week. It was spring-break so Kaylee was home and both Payton and Isaac were here. He has been on high. He started biting again and his sleeping is really bad. But he is talking so much and I think starting to understand a lot more too. He still has a really hard time with question. He is okay with yes or no question most of the time. The problem is when you ask him a question that needs a answer: Are you going to preschool? what is your teachers name? Who is your best friend? Whats your favorite color? Whats your favorite show? the list goes on and on. His answer to questions he can not understand or answer is "poop butt"! Drives me nuts because people laugh at him when he says it.

Working

So about 4 weeks ago I started a new job. I studied and got my home health care license and started work. I love the work and it's only 12 hour a week. But ever since I started my anxiety has like tripled! Mostly because I am a worrier but it is also hard because I lives are already so busy and we can't afford child care so I have to work nights. I was also under the impression that I would have a set schedule but that does not seem to be the case. So with all of this change Michael has been in a really bad mood and never wants me to leave his sight. He is not eating solid food and is not sleeping well. He does not understand. Kaylee understands and really does not complain about it.
Each week I feel more and more guilty and stressed. I am holding my breath waiting for Michael to understand. Today I spent almost two hours going over are expenses and bills trying to figure out where we could cut things that we don't need. I really think that Ken and I live within our means and the only things that we should cut are maybe the trips and camping we do with the kids. But then I feel guilty  because Kaylee  looks forward to all the small little trips we go on . Is it wrong of me to want to stay Home and still work on stuff with Michael? Am I giving in to him if I quit?
I found out today that next week I am going to need a small out patient procedure on the 12th and I am stressing about that because they don't want to to lift or bend for a few days. I really wish I had parents and or that grandma was 15 years younger! I listen to friends and other people complain about their parents and to honest I am jealous. I wish that I had a mom or a dad to talk to about life issues or to advice from.
Anyways enough complaining I know being an adult is hard.

Its been a while

So much has happened in the last 5 months since I have blogged. So much has happened and I really don't know where to start. The last few months of last year were really hard emotionally and I am not sure why.

lets talk about the holidays first!
Holidays
Thanksgiving:
I had a really hard time with the holidays. I really could not get in to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Micheal started preschool the second week in November and that helped me by giving me a break from him at lease twice a week.
I hosted thanksgiving and it was nice having it here. But Michael reamed Great-grandma really hard when he was giving her a hug and gave her a blood nose. It did finally stop bleeding but it scared him. He stayed in his room the rest of the night. The food was really good.
Christmas:
Christmas and the month of December were kind of busy but a lot of fun. I help to bring Godly Play into the worship service and it was amazing. I have so many ideas on how to use Godly Play at church and in our home. I really do love it.
Kaylee getting hurt a lot: 
The week right before Christmas/winter break Kaylee and Michael and their cousins were playing outside at grandmas. Michael and Kaylee were playing on this car and he pushed her and she fell off the car she was sitting on and scraped the side of her head but it looked fine. She can in I looked at it she was not crying so she went right on playing. Monday she woke up fine and she went to school. Tuesday she woke up and said she was not feeling good. Then we saw her EYE and it was swollen shut almost and her fever was almost 102. We took her to the ER right away. Poor thing had scratched the inside of her eyelid and the white part of her eye and it was infected. She was put on antibiotics and everything was good. Then the week after Christmas Michael, Payton, Kaylee and I were playing Doctor in Kaylee's room. I was the patient they were the doctors. All was going well until I asked them to start warping it up to get ready to leave. Michael gets hyper when it is clean up time. Anyways make a long story short Michael was pulling on Payton and Kaylee was pulling back on Payton to get her away from Michael when he let go and Payton flew right at Kaylee and hit Kaylee right in the mouth. With in seconds there was blood everywhere I could not tell what was bleeding in her mouth. Thank God Ken was home. He called our next-door neighbor to come stay with the kids while we took Kaylee back to the ER. Once there they determined that she had bitten off a good piece of her inside lip and cheek. They were not able to stitch it so the put something on it to help stop the bleeding and she was given an antibiotics mouthwash to use until it healed! Then right after Winter break was over Michael and Kaylee were outside playing at grandmas  house again and some how Michael throw a very large and heavy rock on top of Kaylee's left hand. I heard he screaming all the way in the back bedroom of grandmas house and came running out. There was Kaylee standing and screaming in the entryway of grandmas house blood everywhere and she was so scared. (We have boo-boo towels at our house and grandmas house. They are dark colored hand towels that don't show the blood on them. More for Ken then the kids!) I grab our boo-boo towels and saw the bone sticking up just under her nail. Yuck. So I wrapped her hand as best I could and taped the towel around it and off we went to the ER again. We got there and they took us right in
slowly took off the towel and sent us right to x-ray. Kaylee was not happy about having to move her hand that much but they got the x-rays they wanted. We really did not have to wait that long for the  x-rays to get back but while we were waiting the gave pain meds, antibiotics and a new toy. The doctor came in and told us that her finger was broken. the first 2 joins were broken vertically. Then there were 3 more doctors in the room talking about what to do next to save the nail bed and how to stitch it! Out of the whole the shot to numb the finger/hand was the worst part. they removed the nail and stitched the nail bed and then glued the nail back under the skin to help the new nail grow back in. It looked nasty and hurt for the next 2 days really badly. She is doing much better now her finger will always look a little different shaped but the nail is growing back!
Christmas Eve: The day was great. The kids had a fun day playing and just hanging out. we went to church in the morning and then around 1:30pm we went to Jean and Sally's for an early dinner. Sally seemed really tired and quiet but still had a good time. We stayed for a few hours and then went home to get ready for church at 10:00pm. At church I found out that Sally had fallen out of her chair right after we left. So after church Janet, Phil, Steve and I went to the hospital to see Jean and Sally.
Christmas Day:

The kids slept in! (Kaylee went to her 1st late candle light service on Chrsitmas eve). When they got up the open gift and play with their stuff for quiet awhile then we got dress and went to Bud an Joann'a house and open gifts with them. Michael had a hard time understanding that everyone opened there own gifts so he helped me a lot. Bud keep yelling at him and I did my best to keep my mouth shut and it was so so hard not to tell him to shut the hell up and give the kid a break he is 3! Anyways Kaylee got a doll house (a huge doll house) and Michael got a new lawn mower which turned out to be their new favorite toys.  after that we left and went to grandmas how and made some appetizers to take to My aunt Pam's house. I was really worried about Michael because she has a dog and Michael is scared of them. But it worked out great because the kids got to play outside and Michael loves that. Then we went back to Bud and Joann's house for dinner. I was not happy about this because they (Bud) does not let the kids do anything. Their house is not kid friendly and they don't want the kids to run around, the kids can't play in the backyard because of the pool and lastly Bud cares more about his dog Rusty than his own grand-kids. As I said before Michael is scared of dogs and will not even go in their house if he hears him walking or barking! We had dinner and it was good then the kids (Kaylee and Michael were the only ones) got to open gifts from Ken's family members. All in all Christmas went okay. It is just so stressful and a lot of running around but the kids did extremely well.

Now lets talk about kids:
Michael:
He started Special Ed preschool at Anderson right behind our house in November and then started at the Social Skills Center at A is for apple right down the street from our house. He goes to preschool 2 days a week and the social skills center 3 days a week. His speech has improved so much it is amazing. He is talking so clear most of the time. His social language is still behind but improving. He get speech at a is for apple one day a week after the social skills center. He and Kaylee are the same size now. Which blows my mind since he never hardly eats anything. We are really trying to work on eating and using the potty. He still has really bad sleep at night and wakes up a lot. I have done so much reading the last few months on Potty training, eating and sleeping for special needs children that I am not sure where to start first and with what. I feel like he has kinda hit a plateau for right now with things and I think that is okay. He has learned so much in the last 6 to 8 months he needs to process it all.
Kaylee:
Well I wrote about Kaylee and getting hurt so much over winter break already but I did not write about the CPS being called and showing up at our house 2 days after she broke her finger. I did not know what to say or do. I called Michael's old social worker from KiDango Stacie and she got back to me right away and told me what to do and how to request for her to work with us and with in 2 weeks she was doing an assessment on both kids. Once that started CPS closed our case. Currently Stacie is finishing their reports and will be over here some time next week to talk to me. They are going to provide emotional therapy for Kaylee and talk with her about Michael and support us in helping her learn what gets Michael over stimulated. It will be nice for her to have some one on one time since she sees Michael getting it on a Daily bases.