I am not sure if you all know of the battle that I have been fighting for Michael over the past 18 or so months for both mental and physical health care but it has been crazy and today I really feel defeated and it really is not going to hurt Michael if he does not get these therapies that I am fighting for but it would really HELP him for his future. I also feel as everyone close to me (except grandma) thinks I am over doing it and pushing to hard for him and that hurts even more. I really don't know what to think anymore and maybe I am just to deep in it to see what everyone else seems to see and think. This is what I found out today from his EARLY INTERVENTION REVIEW that was today:
1. He has a major speech delay
Receptive Communication Age Equivalent: 7months
Expressive Communication Age Equivalent: 11 months
But do to the fact that he has Kaiser Medi-cal they will not offer him speech therapy unless I get a denial Letter stating that Kaiser will not pay for speech therapy which Kaiser wont do because he is Medi-cal and it gets more complicated from there.
2. He should be in Occupational Therapy
Fine Motor Skills Age Equivalent: 9months
Adaptive/Self-Help Age Equivalent: 11months
Cognitive skills:
Attention and Memory Age Equivalent: 7months
Perception and Concepts Age Equivalent: 11months
So again they will not give him O.T. because they need a denial letter for this as well.
Over the past 8 months I have read books and gone to classes to learn and understand how to best help Michael. I have learn some about speech therapy, some about O.T. and a lot about sensory integration and sensory seeking children. I have been working with Michael daily for 45 minutes in the mornings and 45 minutes in the afternoon. He sees Stacie a FMTI once a week. She has been my best resource in all of this. Together we have learned the best ways to get through to Michael. He also sees his Early intervention therapist once a week. Because of all of this we have seen so much improvement in his langue and his ability to interact with people and children! But there is still a lot more and I don't know how or if I can help him go much further. To be honest I am scared because as far as discipline there is none. He really does not understand NO! He runs away from me more and more and since Tuesday running into the street!!! He can open all doors now so he can get in to anything or get out of the house! We have to move all the locks up high, he can open the frig, reach the stove and open the oven so now the Kitchen is off limits! The bathroom I wont even go there. I feel like nothing is safe for him. He eats/puts in his mouth all non food items but when it comes to feed all most nothing goes in! Our poor cats I am really supersized he has not hurt them yet! They are locked up almost all the time in our bedroom. But most of all I worry about how he is with Kaylee! He is so ruff and physical with her. He pulls her hair, crashes into her, and never gives her a moment to herself unless she locks herself in her room.
I am guessing that some of these behaviors are do to his langue delays but still what do I do? I just don't know anymore. Kaiser did evaluate him and gave him a diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder level 1 and I thought that would be all that I needed to get him help but it is not.
Are all the people who think I am over reacting right? Am I just to far into this to see that he is really okay? Maybe I am. He is not even 2 yet! He is at least getting some help and if I keep working with him maybe that is all that he needs. All that I know is I just can't fight anymore and that makes me feel like a really bad mother but I am burnt out and kinda out of options. If we could I would just pay out of pocket and screw all this insurance crap believe me I would! And you want to know the really sad part is that this is just for his mental health and you should hear all the stuff for his physical health! I don't understand why Michael is my child. I am waiting for God to show me the answer to that one.
Friday, July 29, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
A little bit of everything and some more. Most import is that Michael is FINALLY going to get all the help he needs.
Here is all that's being going on:
Life has been so crazy since my last post. The one thing I have realized it that the craziness is only going to get more crazy! LOL I helped with a week of VBS which was awesome. We did a joint VBS with Prince of Peace. It brought somethings to my attention that I had not notice and maybe wanted to see so now I am having a very hard time these days with church/faith. I really can't put a finger on it so I am also trying to work through that as well and leave it at that. I know that God is always with me even if I don't think so or want it to be so.
I had a few issues after my hysterectomy one being that I ended up with mastitis in my left breast which turned into a bigger issue than I had hoped it would. I had an ultrasound and then a biopsy and so on. Finally last week I was able to get everything taken care of and I am in a lot less pain. They have also have deiced to change my hormone therapy around as well so I have been kind of grumpy. I have also gone back to therapy once week. There has been so much stuff going on this past year and a half that I was starting to feel like I could not breath. At least I am starting to feel better.
Kaylee was sick as well with her first ever UTI as well as a Vitamin D deficiency. Kaylee does not drink milk of any type and only eats yogurt randomly these days. So she is now on Vitamin D drops. The poor kid. She has also had a hard time with school being out. She talks about it almost daily. She had VBS the last week of June and loved it. I can not wait for school to start in September for her. It will be at a new school but I know she will love it.
Michael was really sick again starting the end of June and beginning of July. It started with both kids having pink eye and then turned into a massive infection for Michael. We did not really know that he was not feeling well until we noticed yellow puss like stuff draining from his ear:
The poor kid never acts like he is in pain. When we took him in the doctor could not believe how happy he was. So by the end of his appointment we left with 2 oral antibiotics, antibiotic ear drops and was told to keep him on Benadryl for the next 2 months. I still could not believe the smell that came out of his ear either. Yuck!
But the besting ever finally happened! Michael received a diagnosis finally from Kaiser. Michael had a 2 day evaluation done by a pediatric psychologist and a speech and O.T. therapist. This is something I have been hoping for! Not for a diagnosis per say but because there is a diagnosis he will receive treatment and therapy's that he was denied do to the fact he had no diagnosis. No more fighting with Kaiser! The Psychologist was very impressed that I had started getting him services through Kidango and Early Start so young but said because of that I have helped him more than they could have if I had waited! He will start Behavioral Health Treatment or ABA treatment as well as speech and occupational therapy! My goal as a mother is to help my children to be self-sufficient and happy and that is why I am fighting so hard for all of this for Michael. The sooner he receives the help the better. Yes he is young but there is no harm in extra help.
I have been worried about Grandma ever since her last stay in the hospital. I can tell it took a lot out of her physically. I know that her time is sooner rather than later but I still hate it! I try my best to help her but she still drives me crazy. I try not to loss my temper but sometimes I just can't take it. I know that she is worried about Lewis and I. I have told her over and over again that Lewis and I have each other and that's a lot but I still think she thinks we are just kids! I also think she is worried about Janet having to deal with everything. She really like her birthday gift I put together for her with the help of her family and friends. "93 reasons why you are loved and appreciated"! I catch her looking at it a lot. I just wish she could have one day of no worrying. I try to have my kids over to see her as much as possible because there is nothing better in the whole world than watching her with my kids.
The last thing that Ken and I are trying to figure out is MONEY! Ken and I are so happy with what we have: 2 great kids, a strong marriage, a great place to live, food to eat, 2 cars, and so much more than we need but still we can not pay our bills each month. I am unable to work outside the home do to child care issues and Michael's health. Otherwise I would have a job asap. I really do miss working out in the nursery. Ken has been applying everywhere but so far no luck. He is going to look into get a second job soon. I have a hard time making money more important than family but for now it is. I am sure that we will have to leave the area sooner that either of us wanted too. I wanted to stay for grandma and Ken wanted to stay for his parents but I am not sure if we are able to do that. This month we used the last of our savings. We have 16 more months to pay of my surgery and once that is done maybe we can start saving again. For now I guess we are going to be living paycheck to paycheck but at least we are happy and most importantly the kids are happy.
Life has been so crazy since my last post. The one thing I have realized it that the craziness is only going to get more crazy! LOL I helped with a week of VBS which was awesome. We did a joint VBS with Prince of Peace. It brought somethings to my attention that I had not notice and maybe wanted to see so now I am having a very hard time these days with church/faith. I really can't put a finger on it so I am also trying to work through that as well and leave it at that. I know that God is always with me even if I don't think so or want it to be so.
I had a few issues after my hysterectomy one being that I ended up with mastitis in my left breast which turned into a bigger issue than I had hoped it would. I had an ultrasound and then a biopsy and so on. Finally last week I was able to get everything taken care of and I am in a lot less pain. They have also have deiced to change my hormone therapy around as well so I have been kind of grumpy. I have also gone back to therapy once week. There has been so much stuff going on this past year and a half that I was starting to feel like I could not breath. At least I am starting to feel better.
Kaylee was sick as well with her first ever UTI as well as a Vitamin D deficiency. Kaylee does not drink milk of any type and only eats yogurt randomly these days. So she is now on Vitamin D drops. The poor kid. She has also had a hard time with school being out. She talks about it almost daily. She had VBS the last week of June and loved it. I can not wait for school to start in September for her. It will be at a new school but I know she will love it.
Michael was really sick again starting the end of June and beginning of July. It started with both kids having pink eye and then turned into a massive infection for Michael. We did not really know that he was not feeling well until we noticed yellow puss like stuff draining from his ear:
But the besting ever finally happened! Michael received a diagnosis finally from Kaiser. Michael had a 2 day evaluation done by a pediatric psychologist and a speech and O.T. therapist. This is something I have been hoping for! Not for a diagnosis per say but because there is a diagnosis he will receive treatment and therapy's that he was denied do to the fact he had no diagnosis. No more fighting with Kaiser! The Psychologist was very impressed that I had started getting him services through Kidango and Early Start so young but said because of that I have helped him more than they could have if I had waited! He will start Behavioral Health Treatment or ABA treatment as well as speech and occupational therapy! My goal as a mother is to help my children to be self-sufficient and happy and that is why I am fighting so hard for all of this for Michael. The sooner he receives the help the better. Yes he is young but there is no harm in extra help.
I have been worried about Grandma ever since her last stay in the hospital. I can tell it took a lot out of her physically. I know that her time is sooner rather than later but I still hate it! I try my best to help her but she still drives me crazy. I try not to loss my temper but sometimes I just can't take it. I know that she is worried about Lewis and I. I have told her over and over again that Lewis and I have each other and that's a lot but I still think she thinks we are just kids! I also think she is worried about Janet having to deal with everything. She really like her birthday gift I put together for her with the help of her family and friends. "93 reasons why you are loved and appreciated"! I catch her looking at it a lot. I just wish she could have one day of no worrying. I try to have my kids over to see her as much as possible because there is nothing better in the whole world than watching her with my kids.
The last thing that Ken and I are trying to figure out is MONEY! Ken and I are so happy with what we have: 2 great kids, a strong marriage, a great place to live, food to eat, 2 cars, and so much more than we need but still we can not pay our bills each month. I am unable to work outside the home do to child care issues and Michael's health. Otherwise I would have a job asap. I really do miss working out in the nursery. Ken has been applying everywhere but so far no luck. He is going to look into get a second job soon. I have a hard time making money more important than family but for now it is. I am sure that we will have to leave the area sooner that either of us wanted too. I wanted to stay for grandma and Ken wanted to stay for his parents but I am not sure if we are able to do that. This month we used the last of our savings. We have 16 more months to pay of my surgery and once that is done maybe we can start saving again. For now I guess we are going to be living paycheck to paycheck but at least we are happy and most importantly the kids are happy.
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Here is whats new!
So much has happened since my last post.
- I am finally feeling like my old self after my surgery. It took almost 3 months for me to back though. I still am dealing with a few things health wise but I am hoping after this Thursday I will be in the clear for a while. I have my last MRI scheduled for July 29th(one day before our anniversary)! It has all been very stressful and scary so I am doing everything my doctor says and I am hoping that I will be 100% by October.
- Michael was really sick at the end of May. I was really worried. He ended up having pneumonia! the poor kid was miserable. He is doing much better but is still not sleeping well. I am going to order him a weighted blanket as soon as we have a little extra cash and see if it helps him. http://www.mosaicweightedblankets.com/ Both OT doctors have suggested them. So we will give them a try.
- I finally got Michael cleared for speech therapy! Of course Kaiser sourced it out to an other company and it is located downtown San Jose! http://thriveautismcenter.com/ He starts tomorrow morning and I can't wait. He is starting to copy us more but does not say to many spontaneous words other than OUT, KITTY, HI & BYE(which sound the same) and Doggy. He is slowly signing more words though still not a lot spontaneously but he has more signed words than the spoken words!! The doctor who did his speech evaluation also put in a referral for him to see a developmental pediatrician. She was concerned about a few things. He is also going to be evaluated for autism. Which I am surprised by because Michael is so social. But any help at this point I will take.
- It is getting harder for me to take him places other than the park or grandmas though. Which is hard on me because I love visiting people. I have a very hard time getting anyone to come to our house they always want me to come to them and I am not sure how to tell them that its hard on Michael. I also never know what his mood is going to be like either. I normally could tell that this is going to be a bad day but now it seems to go back and forth throughout the day. he is also very physical and for adults that's kind of okay but other kids don't understand that he is playing and he also ends up hurting them.
- Kaylee had her last day of Preschool. She did great this year and I can not wait to see how much she will grow in the next year. She is on the waiting list for a Jr. Preschool right by our house and she is the 2nd on the list so we are hopeful that she will get in.
- Work/Babysitting for Payton has been getting hard for me because of all of the stuff I do for Michael and I am trying so hard to keep him on a routine. I asked them to start picking her up from my house but I think it is to far for them. In August when Kaylee starts school I am going to have to start looking for a new job. I am not sure how that is going to work with all of the stuff going on right now but we will see. Ken has been looking for a new job as well. He said he was even willing to work a second job so I can just not work but we will see. I just can't imagine not seeing Payton anymore though it is going to be a big adjustment for me.
- Ken and I have scheduled a few things to look forward to in the next few months! The big thing is that in October we are going to take Kaylee to Disneyland for the first time and hopefully leave Michael at home with many people to care for him while we are away. Kaylee has been amazing with all the stuff that goes on with Michael and we really want to be able to do something that she wants to do. Then in July its out anniversary and last year we were unable to do anything because Michael was sick and grandma had her stroke so this year we are going to do something and I can't wait.
Here are some random Pictures:
Friday, May 13, 2016
Random update
Fun:
I am not sure what to think of this year so far but I know it is not going to be one of my favorites. But at least I am trying to make the best of it. Ken and I took the kids to the beach on Wednesday and it was just what we all needed! It was not crowed and the kids played and played. We stayed until 1:15 p.m. It really helped with my stress level. I am maxed out. All 3 kids fell asleep in the car and all transferred to theirs beds when we got home. Kaylee is still talking about it and wants to go back as soon as we can!
Michael:
Michael and I both had a few doctors appointments these last 2 weeks. None have gone as I would have hoped but I am dealing with it. Kaiser wont give me denial letters until Michael is reevaluated! This is so frustrating because its hard on him and the appointments take up to 60 minutes. But I am trying to think positive and hope for the best. So in the next 2 or 3 weeks Michael has a Speech, OT, PT, and Feeding OT evaluation. Not sure why they all can't be done at once but leave it to Kaiser to stress this out for the little guy. His GI doctor thinks part of his GI issues are that he is both mentally and physically delayed. So his GI system is underdeveloped. to be honest I really don't care about anything but speech. I want to find a why to communicate with him other than him grunting and whining all the time. He is slowly picking up works though but the 2 words he uses correctly are HI and BALL. I love the fact that on his good days he says "HI" to every signal person he sees! I have decided to stop pushing so hard for early intervention though. Yes he needs help but I also have Kaylee, Ken and myself to nurture too! If i get to burnt out focusing on just Michael I am not going to be any good to anyone including Michael. He has therapy twice a week and I am hoping that speech will start by July and then when he turns 2 I am hoping that there will be a lot more services available to him.
Kaylee:
Kaylee's first year of preschool is almost over. I can't believe it. Tomorrow she has her first dance recital and I can't wait. She is only 3 (okay almost 4) but has changed so so much so fast! She is the best big sister to Michael and helps him so much. I think she has more patients then Ken or I when it comes to his behavior! I do worry because I don't get to spend a lot of one on one with her. I try to make special times when Michael is napping or I will put him down early but I hope to make a monthly date just Mommy and Kaylee starting soon. I also hope that Ken can do the same thing. I know she will love it.
Myself:
Life is pretty stressful right now. Having 2 young kids plus and extra Monday through Thursday and Ken working such crazy hours there is no time for myself. I also feel really bad because I want and kinda need to help grandma out a lot more than I am able to these days. Its hard to have Michael anywhere other than home or outside these days and Grandmas house while baby proof is not Michael proof. So staying there all day has become to hard.
As for all my doctors appointments I am still having spotting and am extremely tired and with a few other issues my doctor has decided to put me on antibiotics for a while. I am going to have my 2nd MRI soon for my lungs. I am hoping good news. They took a lot of blood work today so now the waiting game on that starts.
I have been extremely lonely these past months dealing with everything. I am with the kids all day everyday all day long with not much adult contact. I don't even have time to talk to anyone on the phone. Plus with all the appointments I have been trying to ask for help but it feels like no one is listening. It's funny how people say just as when you need something and when you do and there is not any help there! But I surprised myself and made it through and did it all even when I thought I could not. My kids keep me going. This last hospitalization with grandma really shook me up. I am not planning on her dying anytime soon but have been trying to mentally prepare myself for it ever since mom died. I thought I was doing a good job but nope after this last event I am not even close. I know it is much sooner rather than later but I am still not ready. She is the last piece of what made me ME. With both mom and dad gone and grandpa she is my last piece of home and safety. I am not ready to lose that yet.
Ken and I have been really stressed about money. With me taking 4 weeks off work and not getting sick or vacation it hurt us pretty bad and we still need to pay for my surgery. We used the last of our savings this month and I am not sure what we will do next. I am planing on having a yard sale on the 21st to help pay for next months rent and we have decided not to send Kaylee back to her preschool next year and have registered her in our school district for Jr. Kindergarten. She is 2nd on the wait list so she most likely will get in. Ken has been looking and applying for new jobs but at this point may just have to get a second job just to help us get over this hump. He is such a great daddy and the kids love him so much. I am hoping that he does find a new job with a set schedule so our lives finally calm down some.
I am not sure what to think of this year so far but I know it is not going to be one of my favorites. But at least I am trying to make the best of it. Ken and I took the kids to the beach on Wednesday and it was just what we all needed! It was not crowed and the kids played and played. We stayed until 1:15 p.m. It really helped with my stress level. I am maxed out. All 3 kids fell asleep in the car and all transferred to theirs beds when we got home. Kaylee is still talking about it and wants to go back as soon as we can!
Michael:
Michael and I both had a few doctors appointments these last 2 weeks. None have gone as I would have hoped but I am dealing with it. Kaiser wont give me denial letters until Michael is reevaluated! This is so frustrating because its hard on him and the appointments take up to 60 minutes. But I am trying to think positive and hope for the best. So in the next 2 or 3 weeks Michael has a Speech, OT, PT, and Feeding OT evaluation. Not sure why they all can't be done at once but leave it to Kaiser to stress this out for the little guy. His GI doctor thinks part of his GI issues are that he is both mentally and physically delayed. So his GI system is underdeveloped. to be honest I really don't care about anything but speech. I want to find a why to communicate with him other than him grunting and whining all the time. He is slowly picking up works though but the 2 words he uses correctly are HI and BALL. I love the fact that on his good days he says "HI" to every signal person he sees! I have decided to stop pushing so hard for early intervention though. Yes he needs help but I also have Kaylee, Ken and myself to nurture too! If i get to burnt out focusing on just Michael I am not going to be any good to anyone including Michael. He has therapy twice a week and I am hoping that speech will start by July and then when he turns 2 I am hoping that there will be a lot more services available to him.
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| This is one of my favorite pictures of Michael. I love the expression on his face and yes he likes to wear dresses and we don't care. When Kaylee plays dress up so do Michael. He loves dancing to the Frozen sound track just as much as Kaylee. |
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| Park time! |
Kaylee:
Kaylee's first year of preschool is almost over. I can't believe it. Tomorrow she has her first dance recital and I can't wait. She is only 3 (okay almost 4) but has changed so so much so fast! She is the best big sister to Michael and helps him so much. I think she has more patients then Ken or I when it comes to his behavior! I do worry because I don't get to spend a lot of one on one with her. I try to make special times when Michael is napping or I will put him down early but I hope to make a monthly date just Mommy and Kaylee starting soon. I also hope that Ken can do the same thing. I know she will love it.
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| First Bath at home. |
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| New born picture at hospital. |
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| Favorite place #1. |
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| Favorite place #2. |
Life is pretty stressful right now. Having 2 young kids plus and extra Monday through Thursday and Ken working such crazy hours there is no time for myself. I also feel really bad because I want and kinda need to help grandma out a lot more than I am able to these days. Its hard to have Michael anywhere other than home or outside these days and Grandmas house while baby proof is not Michael proof. So staying there all day has become to hard.
As for all my doctors appointments I am still having spotting and am extremely tired and with a few other issues my doctor has decided to put me on antibiotics for a while. I am going to have my 2nd MRI soon for my lungs. I am hoping good news. They took a lot of blood work today so now the waiting game on that starts.
I have been extremely lonely these past months dealing with everything. I am with the kids all day everyday all day long with not much adult contact. I don't even have time to talk to anyone on the phone. Plus with all the appointments I have been trying to ask for help but it feels like no one is listening. It's funny how people say just as when you need something and when you do and there is not any help there! But I surprised myself and made it through and did it all even when I thought I could not. My kids keep me going. This last hospitalization with grandma really shook me up. I am not planning on her dying anytime soon but have been trying to mentally prepare myself for it ever since mom died. I thought I was doing a good job but nope after this last event I am not even close. I know it is much sooner rather than later but I am still not ready. She is the last piece of what made me ME. With both mom and dad gone and grandpa she is my last piece of home and safety. I am not ready to lose that yet.
Ken and I have been really stressed about money. With me taking 4 weeks off work and not getting sick or vacation it hurt us pretty bad and we still need to pay for my surgery. We used the last of our savings this month and I am not sure what we will do next. I am planing on having a yard sale on the 21st to help pay for next months rent and we have decided not to send Kaylee back to her preschool next year and have registered her in our school district for Jr. Kindergarten. She is 2nd on the wait list so she most likely will get in. Ken has been looking and applying for new jobs but at this point may just have to get a second job just to help us get over this hump. He is such a great daddy and the kids love him so much. I am hoping that he does find a new job with a set schedule so our lives finally calm down some.
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Self care! That seems and feels impossible.
I have had depression and Anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have dealt with in may ways over the years. Some of which have not been the best approach but as a child you do lots of thing to cope and to be able to function. I also have had lots of sleep issues over my lifetime and still deal with them now. Before Ken and I had kids my goal in life was to be as mentally healthy as possible. I did therapy and took a lot of mental heath classes and Ken and I did marriage counseling for 6 months before we got married. So a year after we were married we started trying for a baby! Needless to say it took almost 8 years!
After Kaylee was born I suffered with postpartum depression and anxiety really bad. I started taking medication again and went to a support group for postpartum depression. By the time Kaylee was 6 months old I felt like normal me again but stay on the meds. My support group helped me set goals for self-care and time for myself. Which was awesome!
Then in late February I was really sick and in and out of the doctors not sure what was going on. Finally they did blood work and guess what I was pregnant with baby #2! (Just wanted to mention that my doctors told me that I would never ever get pregnant on my own!!) I was completely supersized do to the fact that I was bleeding at the time. My whole pregnancy was stressful. I was put on hormones right away and still bleed through most of my pregnancy! I was sick all the time and was running after a 1 1/2 year old. Ever since that time there has been no time for myself!
After Michael was born the poor child has had nothing but health problems. I can tell you for the first 4 months of his life he never slept longer that 45 minutes. I was able to get through it though and for some reason able to function and still work as a nanny. My depression and anxiety came back full swing between never sleeping and having a sick child on top of an awesome 2 year old. I went back to my support group and the first thing they said is that you need to take care of yourself so you can then take care of them. I loved the sound of that but I could never make it happen and still can't. Randomly I can go have dinner with a friend or maybe go to church by myself but other than that I suck it up and deal. Signal moms I have no idea how you do it!
So why am I going of about self care. Well there are 2 reasons
One is that: It’s World Maternal Mental Health Day
Two is this blog post. It really hit home for me so please read it!
http://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/
I love my life, my family and I am so thankful for all that I have. Yes I need to have some self care and I am hoping that time will come. For now I hold on to knowing that I will pull through this time in my life. I will post with an update on Michael soon. For now I ask for prayers and good thoughts for him as in the next few weeks he will be going through a lot of testing.
I never ever would have guessed being a mother would be this complex. I never knew how much that it would affect my total being. I knew that it was life changing but it was so much more. I would never change it for a moment though and it has helped me see who and what mattes.
After Kaylee was born I suffered with postpartum depression and anxiety really bad. I started taking medication again and went to a support group for postpartum depression. By the time Kaylee was 6 months old I felt like normal me again but stay on the meds. My support group helped me set goals for self-care and time for myself. Which was awesome!
Then in late February I was really sick and in and out of the doctors not sure what was going on. Finally they did blood work and guess what I was pregnant with baby #2! (Just wanted to mention that my doctors told me that I would never ever get pregnant on my own!!) I was completely supersized do to the fact that I was bleeding at the time. My whole pregnancy was stressful. I was put on hormones right away and still bleed through most of my pregnancy! I was sick all the time and was running after a 1 1/2 year old. Ever since that time there has been no time for myself!
After Michael was born the poor child has had nothing but health problems. I can tell you for the first 4 months of his life he never slept longer that 45 minutes. I was able to get through it though and for some reason able to function and still work as a nanny. My depression and anxiety came back full swing between never sleeping and having a sick child on top of an awesome 2 year old. I went back to my support group and the first thing they said is that you need to take care of yourself so you can then take care of them. I loved the sound of that but I could never make it happen and still can't. Randomly I can go have dinner with a friend or maybe go to church by myself but other than that I suck it up and deal. Signal moms I have no idea how you do it!
So why am I going of about self care. Well there are 2 reasons
One is that: It’s World Maternal Mental Health Day
Two is this blog post. It really hit home for me so please read it!
http://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/
I love my life, my family and I am so thankful for all that I have. Yes I need to have some self care and I am hoping that time will come. For now I hold on to knowing that I will pull through this time in my life. I will post with an update on Michael soon. For now I ask for prayers and good thoughts for him as in the next few weeks he will be going through a lot of testing.
I never ever would have guessed being a mother would be this complex. I never knew how much that it would affect my total being. I knew that it was life changing but it was so much more. I would never change it for a moment though and it has helped me see who and what mattes.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Grandma
It feels like the last few years have been non stop for both Ken and I. There is a good amount of Good and Bad but as I look back its pretty much equal. We both feel like we can never catch up though. there is no time to catch out breath and just relax. After I had Kaylee it took about 11 months for life to feel settled and we felt relaxed in our new normal but ever since I found out I was pregnant with Michael life has been going full steam!! This has been extremely hard for me because I like to plan and organize and so far nothing has gone as planned. Which I understand and half expect. These past few months have been the hardest though. I have hit my max point and there is still no break in sight.
This past week grandma ended up going to the hospital which was scary and when we first got there she was really scary for me and to top it off my aunt Janet was out of town. Luckily the found out what was wrong with grandma and was an easy fix and she will be going home today. I am still not ready for her to die. Lewis and I were talking the other night when she was first admitted and we both feel she is our last parent alive. Its bad enough that both our parents dropped the ball and did not raise us and both died so young we are going to be lost without grandma. We both have our own families but we think of her as our home and safety net. For me I can call and talk to her about anything and she will listen. Plus she is my only help with Michael and Kaylee. On Sundays after church she will watch one of them so I can do my shopping or anything else that needs to be done. During the week she helps me so much with Michael. She works with him in PT OT and Speech a lot. Sometimes I think more then I do. These past few months she has been working on pointing and he is slowly starting to do it more and more. She also helps me when he has his appointments. I make them at the girls nap times so I can just take Michael.
I think Grandma being in the hospital affected Michael the hardest though because he spends the most time with her especially one on one. The last few days he will take a book to grandmas chair and complain and it anyone tries to sit in the chair with him he throws a fit. i wish there was a way to explain to him what was going on. He looked for her all over the house yesterday and cried a good 5 or 10 minutes when he could not find her.
I am just happy she is going to be okay but this just reminded me that she is almost 92 and that she could die much sooner that I am ready for. But I am also reminded that I am so blessed to have had her in my life and for this long. I am also thankful that she got to meet my children and I know for sure Kaylee will remember her and I hope that Michael can too.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Michael
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| Michael 18 month photo |
We have been working with Stacie since the beginning of September 2014. She did a 6 week evaluation and noticed a few things and she then refereed us to a program called early start.
Early Start is for O.T., P.T., Speech, and Sensory issues. This program is done through the school distric and took a long time to set up and to get going. They had me fill out endless amounts of paperwork and did a 2 hour evaluation with Michael. http://www.dds.ca.gov/EarlyStart/home.cfm
We then started working with Monica in January. Each of these wonderful women come to our home once a week and work with Michael and show us how to work, help and understand Michael. Both have mentioned concerns about his:
Oral Motor Skills
Sensory Processing
Sleep issues
Talking
Blank Stares
GI issues
I have talked with his SPECIALIST and both have dismissed me. They say he is a picky eater and will catch up soon enough and I have nothing to worry about. I talked to his Pediatrician and reefers me to a new one and I hear the same thing again. His Pediatrician did say that he is really young for him to be diagnosed and help with any of these issues!! But everything I have read says that is they are diagnosed young it is all the better for them. So extremely frustrated I went to Parents helping Parents and started reading anything that seemed to be related to Michael's issues. I found 3 books that have been very helpful but the one I like the most is called:
Food chaining
By: Cheryl Frank, Mark Fishbein, Sibyl Cox and Laura Walbert
The best part is that it tells you how to talk to your child's doctor and what is important for you to explain. It helped me start a new log more detailed long book for Michael. I now keep track of his eating, drinking, sleep, moods and what he did in a day. its a lot of work but I am starting to see how much helpful this will be. I have about 2 weeks until his 18 month appointment and I am going prepared! Thanks to both Stacie and Monica I have a list of items to talk about and I am now educated in the basics of all of them.
Stacie also refereed us to an Occupational Therapy clinic. At San Jose State. http://www.sjsu.edu/occupationaltherapy/ot_clinics/ Michael is on a waiting list but I am hopeful. it will be nice to get a second opinion other that Kaisers. I will never stop fighting for my child but I never knew how much it took to fight. Michael's spirit is so full of happiness and life I never want it to diminish. He and Kaylee will do so much good for this world and I can't wait to see what they will accomplish!
Being a mother is the best thing that I ever had to do in my life. I knew that it would be a job that I would have to commit to for the rest of my life. I went into motherhood thinking it was going to come easy to me and that I knew pretty much everything I needed to KNOW. Well that was so not true and I am learning all the time and it is much much hared than I thought it every was going to be. But the love and joy is also so much more than I ever thought or even imagined possible. I am so bless to be a mother and even more bless that I am the mother of these to wonderful children.
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