Health Insurance, Michael and thinking about Grandpa Guetschow

This last few weeks I have been really tired. Michael is doing better about not needing us to go in his room when he wakes in the middle of the night but I still hear him in there complaining or moaning. I am so happy that he can put himself back to sleep most nights! I have 2 more days of treatment and new medications and then I have a break for a month as we switch over all our health care to new doctors. I will have to see be seen and re-evaluated by my new doctors before we do any other medications as well as a few tests and blood work YUCK! I think I found my new primary care doctor. I meet him in 2 weeks so I hope it goes well. It just all takes so much time. I am feeling scared about not being with Kaiser any more. Not so much because I love my doctors but I have been with them since I was a teenager and it feels safe. But I am willing to change. Its just hard.

Michael has had a hard 2 weeks and it is not letting up yet. I think he is having a growth spurt and he is hungry all the time and will only eat Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, Hot dogs, Broccoli, pasta and a few fruits. He seems to get overly stimulated really easy these days and will go crazy. It wears me out. He is always crashing into something or rolling around on toys and jumping off things. I am afraid he is going to get really hurt but so far so good. He is starting to hit and push Kaylee really hard and it hurts her. I am not sure how we can brake him of this but we are working on it.

On Tuesday we went swimming at my in-laws house and it was so much fun. We swam for almost 2 hours. Then had dinner there. The kids had the best time there. I am so happy that they both like the water. I need to get Michael into swim lessons soon. Kaylee is pretty good but still needs a few more lessons. I am looking forward to a lot of swimming this year!

I have a job interview today and I am excited and scared all at once. I am happy to have this chance though and if does not work with what I am looking for then I will move on. I am kinda excited it get out of the house though. I think anything that gets me out of the house is good. I have a few other ideas if this job does not work out.

Last night grandma invited us over for dinner and we had steaks. Ken BBQ them. They were so good but it got me think about grandpa and the night before he died we had steaks for dinner. It was Grandma, Grandpa, Lewis and I. It was a wonderful dinner and he talked to all of us so nicely. He told me I was beautiful and that Lewis was so smart. It was like he was saying his goodbye. After dinner he went to bed and did not talk again and died 4 days later with me and mom by his side. I really do miss him. This July it has been 20 years since he passed away. Crazy! So much has happened in those 20 years. There is so much I wanted him to be part of. Grandma says she mad at him for missing all these little great-grandkids running around the house. I just wish he could have been here for her these last 20 years. I can't imagine my life without Ken for a month, 20 years would hurt so bad. Strange how I think of grandpa more as a father than my own dad. Grandpa spent the most time teaching Lewis and I about gardening and always always took care of us. I also love listening to him sing. I still play his music for the kids and I love hearing them sing along with him.

April 1982 Dennis and Pam's wedding.

Grandma and Grandpa's Backyard 1983

2 of my favorite pictures of me with him. I have photos of when I was older but these will always be my favorite. His birthday is on May 28th. I always have sweet corn for dinner to honor him as well as we eat popcorn for snacks all day long. His favorite foods.

May has always been a hard month emotionally for me. So much has happened for me in May and it brings up a lot of hard memories and old emotions. I guess that it is fitting that both my parents died in May. I am going out to lunch with someone that I have not seen in a very long time next week. Almost 16 years! Crazy how time flies by. I am trying to plan a lot of fun things this week and next to help make the rest of this month Sunday swimming at my in-laws after nap time. And so much more.

Quick update on Michael's sleep test.

So Michael had a sleep study done on April 28th. I was really worried that he would on cooperate with the  whole thing but he ended up doing better than I though. He screamed during getting hooked up to all the wires and other stuff but calmed down as soon as they were done. We also took his i-pad and that helped a lot. I had to stay/sleep there too. I slept in a recliner most of the night. Michael was asleep before 9:00pm. He woke periodically through out the night but went right back to sleep. I was happy we made it through without any major problems. 

His Sleep doctor called me yesterday with the results. He has mild sleep apnea and elevated periodic limb movements. At the moment they are more worried about periodic limb movements than the sleep apnea. We have blood work pending and a new doctor to see. No wonder he is up several times a night and moves around in his crib like he is awake. That also makes me understand why some days he is a total grump. I know when I don't sleep well I am grumpy.

This kid has more issues than I ever thought possible. I hope that we can get everything straightened out for him.

Updates

 The best thing ever happened this past month: Ken is now only working one job!!!! I am so happy and relived. We only have enough money saved up to do this for a few months though. ( I hate having to make everything about money) One of us is going to have to get a job. We are going to enjoy some time together as a FAMILY and I hoping that Ken and I finally get some time for just us. These last 2.5 years have been so hard and I miss having fun together. I missed just hanging out with him and I think Kaylee has as well. She keeps asking him if he is going into work every afternoon. I am just happy that he will be home more to help with the kids. Having home for only a few hours mid-day was not much help for me to get a break. I love my kids but I just want a little time apart from them! WE ALL NEED THAT.

I am working on having a big yard sell at grandmas house to help us with rent and bills for May and June. I am going to have to ask for help because Ken can't take anytime off from Costco but I am not suppose to lift anything. I am just not sure who to ask! I feel like I have asked the same people all the time and I don't want to burn them out. Anyways we are playing on getting rid of a lot of stuff that we do not need. We have so much stuff and I want to de-cluttered everything. It will be hard for Ken but once we get going it should be okay.

We are in the process of changing health insurance and it is a pain. I have never had anything but Kaiser and I am really scared/nervous about the whole thing. The kids are staying on Medi-cal/Kaiser as long as they qualify. So with all of Michael's therapies and health issues that is a good thing. As for me I am in the process of finding a few doctors and it is hard for me. I hate it because I feel like they all ask so many questions even if you give them your medical records. So far I think I found one doctor I like so hopefully it will all fall into place. I have until May 1st to get everything organized and we no longer have Kaiser. I also just started a new medication about 5 days ago and I think it is helping me with a few of my symptoms but I am not a fan of the side-affects as of right now but my doctor said the longer I take it they will subside. I seem to have a lot more energy and my pain is pretty much gone during the day if I keep myself busy. I keep praying that this will all be under control when I change doctors and hospitals. I am tired of stressing about all of this.

Kaylee also got a scholarship for summer school! I am so happy about this. We only signed her up for 5 weeks but still now she has stuff to do for the summer and to get her ready for kindergarten. She loves school and would go crazy home with me all day since we can not go anywhere because of Michael's therapy.

We have made some reservations to go camping a few times over the summer. I am not sure how Michael is going to do but we will see. I am happy that we have a few things to look forward to in this summer.

Parents, Abuse, Death and Forgiveness. (I have been working on this for a few days. This may be to much for some people)

I feel that I should worn you that if you know me or my parents you may not want to read this. It is my truth! Most of my friends and family know my childhood was hard but this is a little detailed. To be honest I can't believe I am even writing this!

The time around my birthday is always a little hard for me. Not because of my age or the fact that I am getting older but of my relationship to my parents. To me my birthday and my parents go together. I am here on this earth because they wanted a child supposedly. Now 35 years later here I am and they both are DEAD and I am still trying to understand why they wanted to have kids or if they even loved me or know what love is! Last Sunday night at Popcorn (family night) after everyone had gone home, Lewis and I for the first time ever talked about our childhood with grandma. The drugs, violence, and fear. We did leave a lot of stuff out like the sexual abuse and a lot of the more violet events of course. But it was the first time as adults Lewis and I talked and then agreed on events of our past. I am still trying to understand how this all happened in the first place and why after all these years Grandma would want to know these things. She was always adamant that our mom was not as bad as we thought!

 For many years before they both died I told myself that they where no longer my parents. I had done my best to erase them out of my life. Yes I knew that there was still there was this connection from them to me and me to them but I had tried to pretend that it was not there but it was still there and even today as my children grow and get older I am finding it harder and harder to ignore it. It is there pulling at me to acknowledge it. Now with my health issues that have come in to play (some of the medical issues are do to trauma from my childhood) it seems to be pulling at me even more. Then with grandma wanting to talk about stuff I feel a little very overwhelmed or maybe unsettled. 

Before my parents died I had thought that I had resolved my issues with them as best I could and tried to move on and then when I had my first child Kaylee I soon realized that was very far from true. I even started to feel for them and have sympathy and felt that I was starting to understand them and their action and that made me so angry and then scared because I had told myself that I did not love them and did not care about them. I had tried my best to erase all feeling toward them good and bad.  I wanted nothing to do with them but do family events that was never going to happen. My mom was after all my grandmothers daughter. One of the hardest things I ever did in my life was let my mother hold Kaylee. I only agreed because of how much it meant to grandma. I literally gave Kaylee to my aunt Janet and left the room and cried. I felt broken and still am. As I look back on that day I wish I had protested more. I ended up in a postpartum support group after that and worked on letting my mom and Kaylee have a relationship. It was hard on me but I did it for Kaylee and Grandma. My the time Kaylee was born she was already in a nursing home so that help a little. I took Kaylee twice a month with Grandma to see my mom. Surprisingly Kaylee remembers my mom and the nursing home. She still talks about Grandma Judy a lot. But ever since the day I let mom my hold her I have been struggle with my relationship to my parents. What if I did love them and care about them?? What would that me for me, for them and how I related to my 2 amazing children? Then they both died. My dad died 3 year ago this May 2nd and my mom 2 years this April 12th. How do you morn someone that you thought you hated and never love? I have told myself over the past 25 years at least that they hated me and wanted me only for the attention I brought them. Why do I care?

I really do believe that my mother hated me and I will never really understand why that was or when her anger and hate started and why. I don't ever remember her being nice to me unless it was because she wanted something from me or to use me for a way for her to get attention. There are a few pictures when I was really young that you see she cared but only a few.

The following picture is the last one of everyone happy.

Even before this picture was taken I already have memories of her talking to me in a mean/hateful way. I even remember on the day she came home from the hospital after having Lewis that I ended up getting stitches above my eye because she pulled or pushed me off a step stool in kitchen because I was making a mess! Come on I was 3 1/2 years old! That is when I remember all the LIES starting. "She just fell" or "she is just accident prone". I don't even think my family knows the truth about that fall that day but at this point it does even really matter. I don't think they know about a lot of stuff that went on because of my parents. And more to the point I don't think they could handle it. Things change rapidly after that day and as a small child I knew no differently. 

I don't ever remember a time when my mom was not using or drinking but she hid it well for everyone. I do remember the last time I let my mom hug me and I am not even sure why we were hugging but I was around 8 years old and we were at grandma Arlene's house and she was leaving and while she was hugging me I started to cry and I have no idea why I was crying and even if there was a reason but I know that once that hug ended it would be the last one and since that day I never hugged her not once. There were many times that she tried to hug me and most of the time I was able to avoid it and a few times that I just stood there but I never once returned it. To be honest ever time she touche me I wanted to run away or slap her but I contained myself most of the time. The hardest part was when she was dying. Watching her her lay in the bed knowing that she would only be in this world for only a short time longer I started to to feel the need to crawl into her bed and have her hold me and at the same time I could not even hold her hand! I felt torn and so confused. I guess I wanted something that I never had and her death meant that there was no chance of ever having it. A dream of having a mother. Having all the things that I am for Kaylee and more. I was the only on with her when she passed away and I wanted to take her hand in that moment but I could not move. I stood there next to her and prayed and all that came to mind was the Lords Prayer and I said it over and over again. I never did touch her before they took her body. At this point I don't even know if it matters to me or not.

My moms family put a lot of the blame on my Dad and my dads family blames my MOM. For some reason in my eyes my mom was thousand times worse than my dad. My dad was physically abusive but my mom was much worse than that. She was physically abusive but also mentally. She played with my emotions all the time. She even gave me to her drug dealer and let him do what ever he wanted for her drug habit! During any of this did she love me? How on earth was she putting my best interested at heart? Did she even care what was happening to me? All of this craziness went on until one day I was home sick from school with my mom. I think I was in 6th grade. I made her mad because I would not make her lunch!! So she called my dad home from work  "to take care of me" I am not even sure what she said to him but I knew he was going to be mad. I remember hiding in the laundry-room closet until he found me. That by far was the scariest day of my life so far! After that day I pretty much live with my moms parents during the week. So after that my dad said that he wanted a Divorce because he was tired of all the games my mom played. My mom and brother moved in with Grandma and Grandpa as well. Soon after my grandparents found out about my moms drinking and drug uses. They helped her get into rehab! To me rehab made her worse. She became so shelf centered and blamed everyone else for all her problems and actions. She never got better physically or mentally between all the drugs, drinking and health issues she was crazy. She never really was normal even though most people thought she was until they got to know her.

 The last 5 or 6 years of her life or maybe even longer she was angry at everything. Nothing could bring her happiness. The more angry and hateful she became at the world the more I told myself that she was nothing to me other than the person that gave me life. In the back of my head I kept asking myself how could a mother hate their child? What would make that happen? I knew both of moms parents had loved her and raised her well. I knew that my moms siblings where well established so what caused her to be so different. The loss of a child? Mental health? Addiction? Abuse by someone other that her parents? Or maybe all those or maybe something else all together? I still have these question and will probably never really know the answer. But in all those years of being hurt and telling myself that this woman my mother meant nothing to me was not so true. I am learning that I do have a connection to her and I guess I did love her or have some strange attachment to her in some way. I guess that once I can come to terms with the fact that is okay for me to want her or love her (this part my take me the rest of my life) I may be able to finally complete the forgiveness process.

 As a child and young adult always questioned God on why he made me and why if he loved me some much would I have these people as my parents. Lewis and I went to church every Sunday with our grandparents and sometimes our mom. It blows me away at how normal I thought was back then. When I was about 10 or 12 I was at a church youth event and the youth Pastor at the time Tim Huff would had no real idea why I was so made, gave me this verse for a game we were playing and it has stuck with me for ever.

Jeremiah 29 11-14

. 11 For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. 12 Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. 13 When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, 14 I will let you find me, says the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord,

Yes I still have a lot to work on and I am not as far as along as I had thought I was but I am more happy then I ever thought possible and after talking with Lewis and hearing him validate my memories has helped me and I am not sure in what way other than me knowing someone else was there too and saw it, heard it and I agrees with me. I guess it helps me feel validated in some way. I am so lucky to have a great husband who loves me and our kids. I am blessed with 2 kids I never thought I could have and a wonderful life full of so many beautiful people and things. I have so much more than I ever thought possible when I was younger. I am truly lucky and sometimes forget that. I did not end up on drugs or worse yet dead.

Secrets (Totally random)

I have been struggling with the meaning of Secret or secrets. What is your definition of Secret? Why is a secret all most always a bad thing? 

se·cret

ˈsēkrit/

adjective

1. 1.

   not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others.

   "how did you guess I had a secret plan?"

   synonyms:

   confidential, top secret, classified, undisclosed, unknown, private, under wraps; More

noun

1. 1.

   something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others.

   "a state secret"

   synonyms:

   confidential matter, confidence, private affair;  skeleton in the closet "he just can't keep a secret"

I was talking with a friend and it turns out we have a totally different opinion on the meaning. Ken and I seem to be on the same side of the meaning. I guess that is why we are married and tell each other almost everything. I have always assumed that everyone has something that they keep to themselves and I consider that normal and healthy. But when or how does that become unhealthy. Where is that line drawn? Okay last question is a Secret then a lie if you never disclose or talk about?

I have been trying to find something to help me under stand all of this. Bible versus, Self-help books, blogs, websites and so on. So far I am just even more confused. I would love to hear what you all think.

Tahoe trip, Kindergarten and Health stuff

February flew by so fast but I still can't believe it's already March. So much went on in that month too. I had a lot of doctor visits and Michael started OT. We even managed to take a small family vacation on top of it all. All in all it was a good month and I had a little fun for the first time in a long time. Maybe life is going to be a lot less stressful. One of the biggest helps is that I found a great therapist to work with and I made it happen. Therapy helps me so much.

Snow Trip

The trip to the snow was amazing and went much better than I thought it would. What made it even better is we went with anther family so the kids had play mates. Kaylee said thank you so many times I lost count. It was so nice to have a break from our day to day life. The kids played in the snow much longer than i thought they would.

Michael was not sure how to walk in the snow and was not happy if we made him walk!

Kaylee had a blast every day!

Sled time!!

My cutie

Family Photo

Group photo with the Muetschard Family

Playing with icicles off the roof!

I am so happy that we took this trip and even more happy at how well Michael handled the change. It gives me hope and makes me want to try and go camping this spring and summer! Anyways I hope that this is a start of a new tradition for both of our families. All 4 of the kids had a blast and there was no fighting. The 3 oldest kids all shared one room and every night everyone was asleep before 8:00pm. AMAZING right. 

Friendship

While on the trip I realized that Michelle and I have known each other for 23 years! That is over half of my life! It got me thinking about how much has happened over those 23 years and what each of us has gone through. So many changes both good and bad but still our friendship remains!

7th Grade 1993-1994

10th Grade 1997-1998

Friend 2017

So it was a great trip and we all had a blast next time I hope that we can try and stay for a one more night and do a few more things. 

Kindergarten

The first Wednesday after out trip Ken went down and registered Kaylee for Kindergarten! I can not believe she is that old already! I know that she is ready and keeps asking me when it starts and I think that is what makes it so hard for me, the fact that she is wanting to happen. She has no fear about anything and I love that about her but I feel like at 4 years old she does not need me any more :-( . She is so comfortable with everything and just goes with the flow. It is just so unreal. I am really happy that she can take care of herself and is so helpful. Just sad that she is not my baby anymore.

Insurance and Health

Also before we left on vacation I had a few procedures done and had a change of medication. Now my doctors have given me a few different choices/options for my next steps and I am not sure what to do. I go in this Thursday and we will take it from there. We are also in the process of getting new insurance with Ken's new work and they don't have Kaiser. It is all a little bit overwhelming for me. I am not sure if now is the best to change doctors and stuff with all the health issues that are going on. The kids are both going to stay on Medi-cal for now as long as they qualify. Once Michael is 3 he will stay on Medi-cal and Kaylee can be on what were. There is  no way we could ever cover the copay's for all of Michael's therapies and his medications.

A quick update but most important: Michael is talking!!

These past few weeks have been super busy, stressful, fun and exhausting! Everyone got sick over the last 3 weeks. Michael and Grandma were super sick with the flu. But both are finally feel back to normal.

About 3 weeks ago I started Michael on a new medication after doing a lot of reading about speech delays and autism and also talked with his doctor and she said it would not hurt him. So he is now taking fish oil 2 times a day. It is liquid and mango flavored but he still is not a fan. Anyways I really think it is helping him. He has started talking so much in the last 2 weeks it is insane. I mean he is saying 3 word sentences! I just can't believe it. Yes I know his therapy is helping too but I do think the fish oil had something to do with it as well.

We also had Michael's 6 month review (IFSP meeting) with S.A.R.C.! It went well. He has made a lot of improvements in many areas. We are also going to be starting O.T. next week! I am not sure if it is for 2 -30 minute sessions a week or 2-1 hours sessions So we will see. I am hoping that well help with some of the sensory and fine motor issues. He will continue with ABA 20 hours a week and speech 2 hours a week. The best part is that all of these services are now with the same company A is for Apple and Kaiser and S.A.R.C.are both communicating with them. Communication is the worst part of all of this but they are working on it because I have complained enough and these last 3 weeks everything is working a lot better. Michael's ABA therapist is amazing. She started in December and it is a great fit. We only had to go through about 4 different therapist to get the right match. But it all feels as everything is finally falling into place. I am slowly feeling less and less stressed with everything. The best part is that I am seeing the results of all of this in Michael. That makes all my this fights and pushing worth it.

Now that Michael is in a groove with everything I get to finally start focusing on me a little more. My health has been crappy ever since my hysterectomy. I feel like my body is letting me down. It is hard to be sick/not feel good and have so much stuff going on. I just try not to give in, complain or even think about it. I just keep moving a long and doing my best to enjoy ever minute I get to spend with my kids, Ken and family. I am so lucky that I get to stay home and be with my kids. I am hopeful that all will be better in the next few months. I will find out more later this week and we will take it one day at a time if we have too.

Kaylee is going to start Kindergarten in August and we are going to an open house on Tuesday to a school that we would really like her to go too. It is super close to where we live (walking distance) but we will see. I am still having a hard time believing that she is old enough to go!!

Well that is it for now it is bedtime!