Random update

Fun:
I am not sure what to think of this year so far but I know it is not going to be one of my favorites. But at least I am trying to make the best of it. Ken and I took the kids to the beach on Wednesday and it was just what we all needed! It was not crowed and the kids played and played. We stayed until 1:15 p.m. It really helped with my stress level. I am maxed out. All 3 kids fell asleep in the car and all transferred to theirs beds when we got home. Kaylee is still talking about it and wants to go back as soon as we can!

Michael:
Michael and I both had a few doctors appointments these last 2 weeks. None have gone as I would have hoped but I am dealing with it. Kaiser wont give me denial letters until Michael is reevaluated! This is so frustrating because its hard on him and the appointments take up to 60 minutes. But I am trying to think positive and hope for the best. So in the next 2 or 3 weeks Michael has a Speech, OT, PT, and Feeding OT evaluation. Not sure why they all can't be done at once but leave it to Kaiser to stress this out for the little guy. His GI doctor thinks part of his GI issues are that he is both mentally and physically delayed. So his GI system is underdeveloped. to be honest I really don't care about anything but speech. I want to find a why to communicate with him other than him grunting and whining all the time. He is slowly picking up works though but the 2 words he uses correctly are HI and BALL. I love the fact that on his good days he says "HI" to every signal person he sees! I have decided to stop pushing so hard for early intervention though. Yes he needs help but I also have Kaylee, Ken and myself to nurture too! If i get to burnt out focusing on just Michael I am not going to be any good to anyone including Michael. He has therapy twice a week and I am hoping that speech will start by July and then when he turns 2 I am hoping that there will be a lot more services available to him.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Michael. I love the expression on his face and yes he likes to wear dresses and we don't care. When Kaylee plays dress up so do Michael. He loves dancing to the Frozen sound track just as much as Kaylee.

Park time!

Kaylee:
Kaylee's first year of preschool is almost over. I can't believe it. Tomorrow she has her first dance recital and I can't wait. She is only 3 (okay almost 4) but has changed so so much so fast! She is the best big sister to Michael and helps him so much. I think she has more patients then Ken or I when it comes to his behavior! I do worry because I don't get to spend a lot of one on one with her. I try to make special times when Michael is napping or I will put him down early but I hope to make a monthly date just Mommy and Kaylee starting soon. I also hope that Ken can do the same thing. I know she will love it.

First Bath at home.

New born picture at hospital.

Favorite place #1.

Favorite place #2.

Myself:
Life is pretty stressful right now. Having 2 young kids plus and extra Monday through Thursday and Ken working such crazy hours there is no time for myself. I also feel really bad because I want and kinda need to help grandma out a lot more than I am able to these days. Its hard to have Michael anywhere other than home or outside these days and Grandmas house while baby proof is not Michael proof. So staying there all day has become to hard.
As for all my doctors appointments I am still having spotting and am extremely tired and with a few other issues my doctor has decided to put me on antibiotics for a while. I am going to have my 2nd MRI soon for my lungs. I am hoping good news. They took a lot of blood work today so now the waiting game on that starts.
I have been extremely lonely these past months dealing with everything. I am with the kids all day everyday all day long with not much adult contact. I don't even have time to talk to anyone on the phone. Plus with all the appointments I have been trying to ask for help but it feels like no one is listening. It's funny how people say just as when you need something and when you do and there is not any help there! But I surprised myself and made it through and did it all even when I thought I could not. My kids keep me going. This last hospitalization with grandma really shook me up. I am not planning on her dying anytime soon but have been trying to mentally prepare myself for it ever since mom died. I thought I was doing a good job but nope after this last event I am not even close. I know it is much sooner rather than later but I am still not ready. She is the last piece of what made me ME. With both mom and dad gone and grandpa she is my last piece of home and safety. I am not ready to lose that yet.
Ken and I have been really stressed about money. With me taking 4 weeks off work and not getting sick or vacation it hurt us pretty bad and we still need to pay for my surgery. We used the last of our savings this month and I am not sure what we will do next. I am planing on having a yard sale on the 21st to help pay for next months rent and we have decided not to send Kaylee back to her preschool next year and have registered her in our school district for Jr. Kindergarten. She is 2nd on the wait list so she most likely will get in. Ken has been looking and applying for new jobs but at this point may just have to get a second job just to help us get over this hump. He is such a great daddy and the kids love him so much. I am hoping that he does find a new job with a set schedule so our lives finally calm down some.

Self care! That seems and feels impossible.

I have had depression and Anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have dealt with in may ways over the years. Some of which have not been the best approach but as a child you do lots of thing to cope and to be able to function. I also have had lots of sleep issues over my lifetime and still deal with them now. Before Ken and I had kids my goal in life was to be as mentally healthy as possible. I did therapy and took a lot of mental heath classes and Ken and I did marriage counseling for 6 months before we got married. So a year after we were married we started trying for a baby! Needless to say it took almost 8 years!
After Kaylee was born I suffered with postpartum depression and anxiety really bad. I started taking medication again and went to a support group for postpartum depression. By the time Kaylee was 6 months old I felt like normal me again but stay on the meds. My support group helped me set goals for self-care and time for myself. Which was awesome!
Then in late February I was really sick and in and out of the doctors not sure what was going on. Finally they did blood work and guess what I was pregnant with baby #2! (Just wanted to mention that my doctors told me that I would never ever get pregnant on my own!!) I was completely supersized do to the fact that I was bleeding at the time. My whole pregnancy was stressful. I was put on hormones right away and still bleed through most of my pregnancy! I was sick all the time and was running after a 1 1/2 year old. Ever since that time there has been no time for myself!
After Michael was born the poor child has had nothing but health problems. I can tell you for the first 4 months of his life he never slept longer that 45 minutes. I was able to get through it though and for some reason able to function and still work as a nanny. My depression and anxiety came back full swing between never sleeping and having a sick child on top of an awesome 2 year old. I went back to my support group and the first thing they said is that you need to take care of yourself so you can then take care of them. I loved the sound of that but I could never make it happen and still can't. Randomly I can go have dinner with a friend or maybe go to church by myself but other than that I suck it up and deal. Signal moms I have no idea how you do it!

So why am I going of about self care. Well there are 2 reasons

One is that: It’s World Maternal Mental Health Day

Two is this blog post. It really hit home for me so please read it!

http://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/


I love my life, my family and I am so thankful for all that I have. Yes I need to have some self care and I am hoping that time will come. For now I hold on to knowing that I will pull through this time in my life. I will post with an update on Michael soon. For now I ask for prayers and good thoughts for him as in the next few weeks he will be going through a lot of testing.
I never ever would have guessed being a mother would be this complex. I never knew how much that it would affect my total being. I knew that it was life changing but it was so much more. I would never change it for a moment though and it has helped me see who and what mattes.

Grandma

It feels like the last few years have been non stop for both Ken and I. There is a good amount of Good and Bad but as I look back its pretty much equal. We both feel like we can never catch up though. there is no time to catch out breath and just relax. After I had Kaylee it took about 11 months for life to feel settled and we felt relaxed in our new normal but ever since I found out I was pregnant with Michael life has been going full steam!! This has been extremely hard for me because I like to plan and organize and so far nothing has gone as planned. Which I understand and half expect. These past few months have been the hardest though. I have hit my max point and there is still no break in sight. 

This past week grandma ended up going to the hospital which was scary and when we first got there she was really scary for me and to top it off my aunt Janet was out of town.  Luckily the found out what was wrong with grandma and was an easy fix and she will be going home today. I am still not ready for her to die.  Lewis and I were talking the other night when she was first admitted and we both feel she is our last parent alive. Its bad enough that both our parents dropped the ball and did not raise us and both died so young we are going to be lost without grandma. We both have our own families but we think of her as our home and safety net. For me I can call and talk to her about anything and she will listen. Plus she is my only help with Michael and Kaylee. On Sundays after church she will watch one of them so I can do my shopping or anything else that needs to be done. During the week she helps me so much with Michael. She works with him in PT OT and Speech a lot. Sometimes I think more then I do. These past few months she has been working on pointing and he is slowly starting to do it more and more. She also helps me when he has his appointments. I make them at the girls nap times so I can just take Michael.

I think Grandma being in the hospital affected Michael the hardest though because he spends the most time with her especially one on one. The last few days he will take a book to grandmas chair and complain and it anyone tries to sit in the chair with him he throws a fit. i wish there was a way to explain to him what was going on. He looked for her all over the house yesterday and cried a good 5 or 10 minutes when he could not find her. 

I am just happy she is going to be okay but this just reminded me that she is almost 92 and that she could die much sooner that I am ready for. But I am also reminded that I am so blessed to have had her in my life and for this long. I am also thankful that she got to meet my children and I know for sure Kaylee will remember her and I hope that Michael can too.

Michael

Michael 18 month photo

This past week I finally took the time to do a lot of research and reading into stuff for Michael. I am feeling frustrated with a lot of stuff medically and developmentally with him. I am not happy with his GI specialist and his OT doctor at Kaiser. I keep getting dismissed and told he is a picky eater and was sick as an infant for so long he is just delayed and will catch up and I am doing everything right for him. I think his pediatrician is on my side but the people she reefers me to are not. Just before he turned one she refereed us to Kidango for a mental health evaluation. http://www.kidango.org/
 We have been working with Stacie since the beginning of September 2014. She did a 6 week evaluation and noticed a few things and she then refereed us to a program called early start.
Early Start is for O.T., P.T., Speech, and Sensory issues. This program is done through the school distric and took a long time to set up and to get going. They had me fill out endless amounts of paperwork and did a 2 hour evaluation with Michael. http://www.dds.ca.gov/EarlyStart/home.cfm
We then started working with Monica in January. Each of these wonderful women come to our home once a week and work with Michael and show us how to work, help and understand Michael. Both have mentioned concerns about his:

Oral Motor Skills

Sensory Processing

Sleep issues

Talking

Blank Stares

GI issues

I have talked with his SPECIALIST and both have dismissed me. They say he is a picky eater and will catch up soon enough and I have nothing to worry about. I talked to his Pediatrician and reefers me to a new one and I hear the same thing again. His Pediatrician did say that he is really young for him to be diagnosed and help with any of these issues!! But everything I have read says that is they are diagnosed young it is all the better for them. So extremely frustrated I went to Parents helping Parents and started reading anything that seemed to be related to Michael's issues. I found 3 books that have been very helpful but the one I like the most is called:

Food chaining 

By: Cheryl Frank, Mark Fishbein, Sibyl Cox and Laura Walbert 

http://www.amazon.com/Food-Chaining-Feeding-Problems-Child%C2%92s/dp/1600940161/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460486068&sr=8-1&keywords=food+chaining

The best part is that it tells you how to talk to your child's doctor and what is important for you to explain. It helped me start a new log more detailed long book for Michael. I now keep track of his eating, drinking, sleep, moods and what he did in a day. its a lot of work but I am starting to see how much helpful this will be. I have about 2 weeks until his 18 month appointment and I am going prepared! Thanks to both Stacie and Monica I have a list of items to talk about and I am now educated in the basics of all of them. 

Stacie also refereed us to an  Occupational Therapy clinic. At San Jose State. http://www.sjsu.edu/occupationaltherapy/ot_clinics/ Michael is on a waiting list but I am hopeful. it will be nice to get a second opinion other that Kaisers. I will never stop fighting for my child but I never knew how much it took to fight. Michael's spirit is so full of happiness and life I never want it to diminish. He and Kaylee will do so much good for this world and I can't wait to see what they will accomplish!

Being a mother is the best thing that I ever had to do in my life. I knew that it would be a job that I would have to commit to for the rest of my life. I went into motherhood thinking it was going to come easy to me and that I knew pretty much everything I needed to KNOW. Well that was so not true and I am learning all the time and it is much much hared than I thought it every was going to be. But the love and joy is also so much more than I ever thought or even imagined possible. I am so bless to be a mother and even more bless that I am the mother of these to wonderful children.

Recovery and a few other things.

Last week I received a phone call from my surgeon with the pathology results of my uterus Fallopian tubes ovary's and surrounding area. Great new no cancer or precancerous cells anywhere else!! they did find as she put it A rare pathological entity I had something called an Uterine Hemangioma!http://www.archivesofpathology.org/doi/pdf/10.5858/arpa.2011-0078-RS She was extremely surprised to find it and was amazed that I had to full-term pregnancy with no sever complications. I reminded her that after I had Kaylee I continued to bleed for almost ONE YEAR until it finally stopped. Shortly after I talked to her my OB that I have been seeing for the last 5 years e-mailed me and said she was amazed to here about the the pathology report. She also apologized for not listening to me more about my pain and amount of bleeding. My whole life I have had really heavy periods that lasted really long like 3 to 4 months which were really painful. They always dismissed me about the amount of bleeding and my pain. They said it was do to my P.C.O.S http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pcos/basics/definition/con-20028841 so I believed them. I am happy that I am done with my periods and that there is no more cancer!  I will have to have my ovaries removed at or after menopause but that is about 10 years down the road I hope. For now I will see my OB once a year and do blood work every 6 months.

As far as recovery I have been surprised how long it is taking me to get back to full strength. I get so tired so fast and if I push myself I get nausea and throw up. Pain wise i think I am doing okay. I hurt a lot more on my right side then my left but I am hoping it will be gone soon. I am taking mostly Tylenol do to my tummy upsets. I the hardest part is Michael and taking care of him. No lifting is hard with a 18 month old. I am not quiet 2 weeks in and I am not sure how I am going to make it to 8 weeks. Plus with Michael he fights me with almost everything so I am holding pulling lifting with him a lot. Kaylee is super helpful most of the time and can do almost everything for herself! I get to start driving again on Monday and I can't wait. 2 weeks no driving has been so very hard.  I have been home mostly and to grandmas a few times. Ken goes back to work full time after next week and I am hoping by then I will have most of my strength and energy back. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since this whole health scare started and if I live as long as my mom and dad did (they both died at 65) I have lived more than half my life right now at the age of 34. I really don't want to die that young. I am going to start really exercising a lot more and taking better care of myself. My regular doctor wants to run a few more tests with my lungs but after that I should be okay. I want to see my children grow up and live full lives and I want to be healthy while I am alive. I do not want to spend the last years of my life in a nursing home like my mom or go blind in my mid forty's like my dad. They both lived the last 5 to 10 years of their lives in pain and unhappiness. I am going to be different and the one good thing that I have is Ken who will help me, push me and encourage me all the way. 

I have also had the time to do some research on stuff for Michael since all I do is sit around. Michelle took me to Parents helping Parents http://www.php.com/ The people there were so helpful and I got a lot of info and a few books to start reading. I am coming up with a game for his 18 month doctors appointment. I am going to be a little more pushy with his doctor and I will be a lot more educated on what I want for him.  

Recovery from surgery and it's nothing like a C-section

I want to thank everyone that helped us out last Friday! I am so thankful to every person in my life that took care of my kids that day. I love and trust so all so much and so do my kids. It's because of you all that I was able to relax and not stress about my kids. 

My surgery went great! It was about an hour longer than expected (total time just over 5 hours) do to a lot of scare tissue everywhere. It took my doctor a long time to remove it. I got to keep an ovary. I am back on hormones again and will be until after menopause. Today it had been 6 days and the pain is so much better. It only really hurts when I stand up, sit down, bend over and lay down. The horrible part it the lack of energy and feeling nauseous all the time (and throwing up). Then the hardest part is not being able to pick up Michael and help with him. I have such a hard time watching him be so frustrated and mad. I know he needs to learn that other people deal with him differently but it still makes my heart hurt. Kaylee is doing great and wants to show everyone my ouchy! She even helps me get up and change my clothes. Ken has been doing great job. He has now told me several times I can't believe you do this everyday and don't loss it! Michael and Ken butt heads a lot. but it is good for them both. Ken has to learn that Michael is much different than Kaylee and you have to deal with them differently. 

My friend Michelle did a meal sign up for us and that has been a life saver. Ken can cook simple stuff but never has enough time. Having dinners 3 times a week is great. Good, healthy and different food for Ken to eat and give the kids each week. I don't know what we would have done with out it. It is the simplest things that make the biggest difference.

I talked with my doctor yesterday about being so sick and feeling so tired. She said you had major surgery and you are doing to much! She thinks I am pushing myself to fast and that my body is telling me to slow down. I don't think I am doing that much at all but I am going to try and do a little less today. I will go in for blood work and then do nothing but rest. I am just not good at doing nothing. I am going to start a new book too. I am hoping that will suck me in enough to want to just sit and read. 

Today I am feeling much better tummy wise I will keep up on my anti-nausea pain medications and sleep as much as possible. Ken goes back to work TOMORROW and I am starting to freak out a bit. My mother in law is coming to be with me all day tomorrow and then a Jennifer is coming to stay with me on Saturday and on Sunday I will be at grandmas. So I think we have it covered but I am scared about how much energy I will have. 

disappointment and the kitchen sink! But I am going to stay positive!

My mother died almost and year ago in May and my father died 2 years ago in May. The died a year apart from each other. Which I find kinda fun since they had not seen each other in over 3 or  years. They did not raise my brother and myself my moms parents did. My grandfather died back in 1997 along time ago and I still miss him everyday and even more now that I have kids.

Grandpa and Me

 My grandmother is still alive and doing well on her own for the most part. I wish I could help her so much more than I do but its so hard with kids. Anyways now that I am having this surgery on Friday. I am kinda disappointed in how my family is handling it. I was surprised on how much that has affected me these past few days. No one is acting any different then how Ken and I thought they would act. Still dysfunction really hurts no matter how much therapy you have had. We explained to them that for ken to help me for the 3 weeks the doctor gave him a note for he is required by CVS to take a Family Leave. Which if he does he will not give paid for the first 2 weeks! We can't afford to do that. I am already missing 2 or 3 weeks of work and I don't get leave or vacation. My grandma said she can help if we leave one of the kids with her. There is no way that is going to happen she is 92 years old and my kids are hyper. She would be to worn out by the end of the day she would need a week to recover! My aunt (who has never given birth or had a c-section or even a hysterectomy for that matter) told me that I would be fine after a few days and said just do everything on the floor with the kids. I almost punched her. After I had my c-section with Michael the day after I got out of the hospital which was Halloween , I got on the floor to help Kaylee put on her costume and it took me over 10 minutes to get off the floor even with Ken and my brothers help. Ken's parents are a little more sympathetic but not by much. They are more concerned about his job and that he keeps his boss happy and that I need suck it up and deal because his job is important. Yes his job is important but they are not going to fire him over this.
Ugg. I just hoped/thought my family would be different. Maybe they are in denial or the are just scared. I expecting some to step up and act as my parents. But that wont happen because my parents sucked and I have to move on from that. I think that is the little kid in me that has not completely healed from everything that happen when I was a child. I know that God is always with me and as Kaylee says "God is in your skin and is always  with you no matter what!" I love that kid.
Ken is so awesome, supportive and encouraging. I also have some truly great people/friends in my life that are going to help me and see me through this. My MOPS group is going to do a meal sign up and bring us dinner on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays for the first 3 weeks! Friday of my surgery my friend Michelle is taking Kaylee all day to do some fun stuff while I have had several people volunteer to come to my house in shifts to take care of Michael (who is a handful). I am amazed at the amount of love that surrounds me. I am truly blessed and lucky to have so much.
Today has also been a very stressful day. We found a major leak this morning coming from our kitchen sink! I am sure it is going to take several days to fix. It has been extremely hard to get a hold of our landlord and their handyman. Now the handyman wants to talk with them before he  starts the work because of how big of a job it is.  So I hand no sink all day and with little kids that is hard. With Michael been so sensitive to milk I was stuff all day long and he still is on a bottle. it is just going to be harder for a while. I am not sure how this is going to work with people watching Michael on Friday and there is going to be people working in the kitchen and there been no water. But we will worry about that then. Maybe it will all work out and it will be done by then!
My goal all week is to try to turn all my disappointment and frustration around and remind myself of all the good and joy that I have in my life and that's all around me. focus on the good all around me and not the bad. There is so much beauty I just have to take the time to see and hear it. So I took the kids outside in the rain and they loved it.